[Writing] "Goodnight, lord-lings..." (Short Scene by B.Williford)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Level 44
Bronze SS AuthorBronze Writing Reviewer
This next scene is actually from my book ALMEGA. :3
Well, my book in progress...
But it's the beginning of the story, and I was hoping to get some feedback on it. ;]

It best categorizes for the theme Dreams/Illusions.
And, as a note, this is also me trying to edit a tale I wrote when I was 9yrs old.
SO... I hope it doesn't crash and burn. XD

The word count came to 2,221 words.


"Goodnight, lord-lings..."
Theme - Dreams/Illusions

Spoiler for:

Darkness and flame...
Blood and screams...
Fear filling the atmosphere...
He reveled in it.

The crowd scurried away squealing and scattered throughout the city to escape his shadow.
He pursued slowly, his guards ahead cutting them down one by one along with the resisting soldiers. He found himself stopping in advance at the courtyard, gazing upward to a majestic castle before realizing he was towering over an injured soldier that lay there helplessly at his feet.
He felt a wicked smile etch onto his face just before a writhing tongue from his mouth caressed his lips.
The struggle. The heaving breaths.
The raw blood and flesh.
He knelt.

The soldier gasped, suddenly coherent enough to fear him, clawing aimlessly at the cobblestone path in attempt to crawl away.
He chuckled darkly, the laugh echoing in his own ears. Like a predator stalking its prey, he toyed with the crippled man, allowing him futile efforts to retreat for sheer enjoyment. When the wait became mundane, and the hunger impatient, he snatched the wretch by his head tightly.
The soldier whimpered now, foreseeing his fate.
He brought the casualty close, opening his maw to growl viciously.

And then...
With his other hand he plunged into the victim's chest, quickly removing a freshly dripping heart before discarding the rest for scraps.
He smelled the muscle in his palm. The scent was so delicious.
Closing his eyes with a smirk, he went to bite into the juicy red-- 


The door creaked open, a sliver of light entering the master bedroom to cast his small shadow on the wall.
"Jade...", the young voice called out, calm yet concerned before bursting into a fit of coughs.
A moan from the bed came, followed by the rustling of covers.
"What is it?"
"It's Redd", came the hoarse response. "Will you go to him?"
There was a groggy sigh this time, and before long a figure was leaning out of the cot in the darkness.
"I'll be right there..."

_ _ _

The house was still in the twilight.
He had gotten up from his bed, however exhausted and over worked, to light his way through the corridors with a lantern for the sole purpose of following very faint sounds.
The softness of these sounds grew louder as he made his way to a certain small bedroom in the west corner of the little residence.
Though tired, he believed his body was beginning to expect interrupted rest. He had made such visits before, throughout his life even, but his time spent awake in the after hours were becoming more frequent lately.
That was truly worrisome. 

The door was open.
He stood there in the door-frame a moment as the lantern swayed slightly by the chain, illuminating the room further to reveal two small children waiting patiently in their respective cots.
One had come to get him, and now was nestled back into his covers while attempting not to bark and wheeze from a stubborn ailment.
The other was terrified, sitting there in his bed with his knees pulled up to his chin, arms wrapped tightly around his legs, shedding a stream of tears as he struggled not to be afraid.
He sighed with concern for them both, and then moved into the bedroom to tend to the youngest first.

Take responsibility. Care for your family.
That's what he had always been told.   

"Hey, lord-lings..."
Jade, seventeen and the eldest of five brothers, spoke with a warm tone housing real parental instinct as he came over and placed his lantern down on the dresser between the two youngster's beds.

He then gently sat down on the edge of one cot, facing the little ten year-old boy that shivered beside him now to gaze deeply into a single, ocean-shaded eye.
The child was staring back intensely, eye like that of broken glass as more and more tears came, managing to bring one trembling hand to the scarred side of his face while the other reached out to grasp firmly around his older brother's arm.
"J-Jade... Jade, I--"
Fear interrupted, causing the boy to simply break into a whimper, but Jade moved immediately to catch his brother in an embrace, holding him close like any real father would.
"Redd... Hey, I got you, ok?"
He glanced over to his other young brother that lay watching solemnly nearby as he pressed Redd into his chest, stroking his head to calm the boy.
"Azul is here for you, too - being a big brother like he should", Jade then adds, smiling at the now coughing child in the other bed before going further. "I know this is hard for you, I know you are scared. Now, tell us about it."
Azul leaned up from his covers with a nod, wheezing slightly with a hoarse question that was every bit concerned.
"Was it the part with the soldier and the heart?"

Redd, the little boy haunted by recurring nightmares for as long as he could remember, lift his head to rest on Jade's shoulder as he looked over at Azul and found himself settling down enough to actually make sentences.
"Y-Yes... The part where I...kill...that man. And his heart--"
He swallowed, shaking, eye squinting with pure disgust as he imagined the pictures over and over in his mind.
"I can see his face, hear all those people screaming! I can still taste the blood in my mouth! I hate it! I hate it..."
He hid his face again in the shirt of his oldest brother, sousing the fabric more, crying out now in pain and fear that was muffled by a tight hug.
"Jade, am I going to be a bad person? I don't want to hurt anyone! Make the dreams stop! Please..."

Jade, exhausted and stressed, then took Redd by the shoulders firmly and shook the boy once to get his attention completely. When the child was quiet and only his tears streamed down, that's when his face was aligned to look into the set of deep blue that gazed back before him.
"Now, you listen to me: You're not a bad person, and you're not going to be", Jade states, ever so calm and certain. "I know how the sequence of these nightmares go, and I know tomorrow night I will hear all about how you kill another man and raise an army of your own. I've heard these stories that you see at night so much that I could probably picture them perfectly myself. They are dreams, though, and they can't hurt you or me."
He warmly smiled at last, brushing back a few stray strands from Redd's damp face.
"All I try to prevent is you becoming anything like your brothers Solis and Shayden, and even I don't worry about them becoming like what you describe in your head. I tell you that we will get through this, and I wouldn't say it unless I believed it myself! Alright?"
The boy nodded as his brother gently released him, finding it in him to breathe evenly as he laid back down into his pillow and covers.

Redd sniffled, wiping away any remaining drops on his cheek, as Jade remained there on his bedside until he could doze off.
Azul managed a weary smile at this despite fighting a fever, at least glad that his nightly visits to to Jade paid off with his little brother feeling more at ease. However, the twelve year-old knew that sleep for him and Redd both wouldn't come very easily, and so he decided to make a request suddenly.
"Jade... Can you tell us more about mother and father?"

The young man laughed lightly, brushing his hands over his tired face and eyes, before positioning himself more on the edge of the cot to face the inquiring child.
"At this hour?", Jade yawns.
Azul gave him his best performance of an innocent, begging pout until he managed to make himself giggle between wheezing. 
Redd gently tugged on the edge of his sleeve, too, before snuggling further into his blankets.
"Pleeeease?", the boys plead.
Jade passed them both a raised brow as he smiled, finding himself more than willing to give in to them and their playful antics.
"All right. What would you like to know?"
The children exchanged looks, in thought and in conversation with one another, and then they both turned to their eldest brother.
"What were mama and papa like, Jade?", Redd asks.
"Do you think mother, wherever she is now, is with the gods in the sky?", Azul adds. "And father... Do you think he is alive, that we'll see him again??"

Jade fell silent for a moment, staring off into the soft, orange glow of the lantern as memories of their parents came back to him in both calming and haunting whispers. He could feel something gripping him within that felt an awful lot like anguish, but he wouldn't allow a tear to form. Not tonight.
The stand-in parent for these children then reached over slowly to the dresser to collect the glass figurine of a canine beast, holding it up to where the light glittered in the crystallized quartz.
"Mother was an honorable woman, one of the finest people in this kingdom, and anyone would say so that knew her. She enjoyed the simple things, saw the blessings of the gods in places and people that you or I might not. She gave more of herself, expected nothing in return, and always wore a smile, even in the darkest of times. Father would say she was like the glint of light on the edge of his blade - radiant in beauty, dancing with grace, and shining beside him no matter the circumstance."
He paused, turning the statue in his hands.
"If there was ever anyone worthy of passage to the Highe Gods, it was her. I am certain a Kalsamtorr escorted her spirit to the heavens, if not by the Den Mother herself."

He then returned the idol to the dresser, the replica of the beast now facing him in its captured position for attack against foul beings.
"Like this statue, father was a protector of his family, too, and of the kingdom itself as a Sword of Lloryn. The people of Lloryncia befriended him, supported him, and even honor him for his heroic nature as a knight. He was virtuous, did what was asked of him within reason, and defended his people selflessly in a number of battles. Most of all, he was everything I wanted to be, and still strive to become."
Jade managed a smile through the agony of remembrance.
"On the day the Kvasian War began... Father took me aside and explained to me that I was now the provider, that I would take care of all of you and all else that we had until he returned. It has been years since we parted, but... I know in my heart he is still alive. I know he will come back to us."

He then pulled his gaze away from the mesmerizing imitation to the young faces of his brothers, whom both now appeared to be at ease from the stories and slowly drifting to sleep.
"Jade...", Redd speaks, quite drowsy now in his pillow, "I sometimes hear you talk to mama and papa, like they are with you. Do they protect you like the Kalsamtorr?"
The young man smiled warmly at this, leaning over the cot now to look deeply into the single, sleepy blue orb of the ten year-old.
"More than the Kalsamtorr, if I may be so bold", Jade whispers, placing a kiss on the child's forehead.
Redd seemed content with this, nodding, and then closed his eye entirely to slip into slumber.

Azul made a smile, however feeble in his sickness, at Redd falling asleep when Jade quietly came over to sit on the edge of his bed.
"I miss mother and father...", the boy says quietly, holding back a fit of coughs to not wake his little brother. "I can barely remember their faces, but I know being with them made me happy."
Jade nods to agree, gently stroking the boy's face as his expression molded into something of concern.
"Yes, mother and father are not with us, which is exactly why I am taking care of you all the best I know how. Azul, have you been feeling any better?"
The ill child shrugged slightly, eyes opening and closing wearily.
"I don't feel all that bad tonight - just sleepy", Azul lies, and not very convincingly to his older brother.
Jade sighed, and then gave the boy a kiss on the head as well.
"If you need me during the night, just come to my room, you hear me? I will look after you if you continue to get worse."
Azul smiled, closing his eyes.
"I will, Jade, I promise."

The young man then got up quietly from the cot, picking up his lantern from the dresser as he did, and then started for the bedroom door.
"Goodnight, Jade. We love you."
He turned slightly to hear the mumbling voices of the children fall into silence, and he smiled warmly as he walked out of the room to head back to bed himself.
"Goodnight, lord-lings..."

« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 09:19:04 AM by boe »

RMRK's dad
Level 86
You know, I think its all gonna be okay.
For going the distance for a balanced breakfast.Project of the Month winner for June 2009For being a noted contributor to the RMRK Wiki2013 Best WriterSilver Writing ReviewerSecret Santa 2013 Participant
Having a horrible dyslexia day. WIll come back later, so I'm posting here for a reminder.

The Hero of Rhyme
Level 83
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
2014 Queen of RMRKProject of the Year 20142014 Best RPG Maker User - Story2011 Best Newbie2014 Kindest Member2014 Best RPG Maker User - Creativity2013 Queen of RMRKBronze SS AuthorBronze Writing ReviewerSecret Santa 2013 ParticipantFor taking arms in the name of your breakfast.GOOD!For frequently finding and reporting spam and spam bots2012 Best Yuyubabe Smiley2012 Best RPG Maker User (Creativity);o
Very neat! I probably should have read this one before reading "Ray of Sunshine" - because that one has still left me awed and shell-shocked. ;_;

But either way, I found this one to be very well written! I was a bit confused about the characters and what was going on, but it also made me feel quite curious. Especially about the dreams Redd was having! (Remembering your characters' names is always easy. o.o Kudos!)

I think part of the confusion is coming from the fact that it's a part of the novel and that I'm thrown in the middle of it. ;9 But, hey! I still really liked this! B) You especially did a good job with depicting the movements, emotions, and dialogue of the characters! I'd say that's your specialty, my friend! B)
Spoiler for My Games and Art:

My Artwork Thread

The Lhuvia Tales [Current]

Ambassador [Complete]

The Postman [Complete]

The Wyvern [Complete]

Phoenix Wright: Haunted Turnabout [Complete]

Major Arcana [Cancelled]

Level 44
Bronze SS AuthorBronze Writing Reviewer
It's because this didn't end in tragedy. ;]
I found out that you guys here like reading heartbreaking stories that leave you stunned.  :o

Yeah, I'm going to be definitely continuing this on my own forum, so maybe you'll eventually see a major bigger puzzle than just the tiny piece at the start. At least it left you curious. ;]

Yes. I feel dialogue is my best aspect in stories. I've learned in life to be careful what you say and how you say it, because words speak from the heart - and I have had many hearts with many ill words to say to me. I use that knowledge to my advantage in my writing, I find it very important to portray how one actually feels.

The Hero of Rhyme
Level 83
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
2014 Queen of RMRKProject of the Year 20142014 Best RPG Maker User - Story2011 Best Newbie2014 Kindest Member2014 Best RPG Maker User - Creativity2013 Queen of RMRKBronze SS AuthorBronze Writing ReviewerSecret Santa 2013 ParticipantFor taking arms in the name of your breakfast.GOOD!For frequently finding and reporting spam and spam bots2012 Best Yuyubabe Smiley2012 Best RPG Maker User (Creativity);o
Very well said, good maiden! (I'm still stuck in old english mode, I'm sorry ;_; )

Actually, I'm really glad it didn't end with tragedy! ;_; I was like "noooo! Don't kill one of the little guys!!" ;_;
Spoiler for My Games and Art:

My Artwork Thread

The Lhuvia Tales [Current]

Ambassador [Complete]

The Postman [Complete]

The Wyvern [Complete]

Phoenix Wright: Haunted Turnabout [Complete]

Major Arcana [Cancelled]

RMRK's Mom
Level 88
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
2014 Most Missed Member2013 Queen of RMRK2013 Best Counsel2013 Kindest Member2013 Most Mature MemberBronze SS AuthorBronze Writing Reviewer2012 Kindest Member2012 Best Counselluv u bb <3Secret Santa 2012 ParticipantFor taking a crack at the RMRK Wiki2010 Kindest Member
good job! :yuyu: