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[Writing] Sunset

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The theme is mystery. Its about 700 words, I don't enjoy for writing for longer than I feel I need. The theme is Mystery, I hope you enjoy it, though just with my last story I don't think its very good.

Spoiler for:
Allis awoke soaked with his own sweat, his hands and feet bound loosely behind him. A moment of struggle removed the ropes that constricted him and allowed him to move freely. Struggling to his feet, his muscles screaming with pain, he looked around his surroundings, hoping to find something familiar. It looked like he was in some kind of vast chamber, with thick marble walls that were crumbled and torn. It was if some mighty beast had torn the place apart. Stars and strange symbols were carved into the walls, and in some places the symbols gave off a very feint glow.

There was no ceiling to the chamber, nor any visible exits, and looking up at the beautiful twilight sky that loomed above him made him feel dizzy. He noticed, however, that there were several stone steps that led up to an empty doorway. Deciding that his best action would be to gain higher ground, he stumbled across the cool stone floor to the first step, his footsteps shaky and unsure like that of a newborn deer. Occasionally he could feel something smooth and hard shatter under his feet. However, it was too dark for him to see what it was exactly and so he decided it would be better for him to focus on reaching the staircase.

Reaching the bottom step, he let out a long sigh, a mixture of relief and exhaustion. He was cold, tired and confused, and wanted nothing more for this dream  - for it must be a dream - to end. Climbing the staircase was agony for his tired legs, and when Allis finally crested the last step, he retched from the pain. He had to practically drag himself through the door, clinging to the walls and shuffling through. The doorway led to a balcony, and the view from it took away the little breath Allis had left.

The sky was an explosion of colour. Purples, reds, yellows and pinks blended and swirled as a fat, blazing sun sunk beyond the horizon to his left. To his right, a beautiful jewel of a moon had begun to rise, the sky turning into a deep midnight blue as it did so, stars twinkling into life as if on command.  Below this spectacular sky lay a dark forest, where strange violet and blue fir trees grew, the forest stretching to a strange part of the horizon where everything seem to fade out of existence in a thick haze. The sun and the moon before him were huge, and the sky felt strangely close, as if he could reach out and touch the heavens itself.

Suddenly, as the last bit of sunlight vanished beyond the fog of the distant horizon, he heard a loud thunk, and the moon stopped moving. The very night itself came to a standstill, even the wind had ceased. Allis broke out of the spell he was under, and remembered to breath.

Before him, jutting out of the balcony, sat a lever. A thick, ancient piece of technology, with intricate details carved into its marble handle. It had stopped half way, with what seemed to be a small bone jammed into it. Leaning down, he plucked the bone from the mechanism, and the lever slammed back into its starting position, and as it did, the moon slid quickly back beyond the horizon. Allis gasped in shock, jumping back from the lever. Had he done that? What kind of trickery was this?

Cautiously, holding his breath, he approached the lever again. He gave it a gentle touch, then another, and then finally, he grasped it with both hands, and pushed it with all his might. It was impossibly heavy, resisting his efforts with an incredible force. He was determined, however, and tripled his efforts. Sure enough, it began to give in, the lever moving agonizingly slowly as he pushed, the moon slowly rising back into the sky. Beads of sweat dripped down his forehead, the the tanned skin of his face going red with the sheer effort it took. Finally, the level clicked into place, and the moon held in the sky, the stars blinking back to life and beautiful azure clouds swirling into view.

Allis collapsed, his energy spent, and he fell into a deep sleep.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 09:21:28 AM by boe »


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Dang it.

This passage was beautiful. The imagery was lovely, particularly the description of the sunset- and I love how you referred to the moon as a jewel. You took me there, and I felt as though I was living a game of Myst!

The mechanism you made is intriguing as hell. I wish it had been my idea and I can totally see it being a central focus of an adventure game or movie.

It seems as though you are the kind of writer who needs to "warm up", and if I am correct, you started this passage "cold", so to speak. There is an instance where an adjective is used twice in close proximity, and a mispelling here and there, but nothing that crashes the story. And to be honest, you speak the Queen's English- for all I know that's how it is over there. I learned to spell from an Irish woman... But anyway, by the time you reach the third paragraph or so, your engine is purring and it takes me to the scene!

This piece is also frustrating, but in a good way- I want to know what precisely the fizzle is going on. Why was Allis there? What's wrong with his legs? What was he stepping on? Who made the device? Why were the trees purple? Was it the ambient light or were they a different strain of evergreen? Does the presence of the device mean that he's in a fake fake lie of a world?

Answer me, story! ANSWER MEE-HE-HEEE!
:tinysmile:

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Thankyou ;u; <3

When I start writing, I have a vague idea of what I want to achieve/do, and I just kind of go from there. I rarely have a concrete idea of what will happen and that's one of that main reasons a longer narrative is something I struggle with since I'm just eager to get whatever idea I have out onto paper. If this was something I planned on actually doing something serious with, I would have gone back after writing it all out and rewritten it again.


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I dig it, and I like your free form approach to writing.

You're good, kid.
:tinysmile:

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Dang it.

This passage was beautiful. The imagery was lovely, particularly the description of the sunset- and I love how you referred to the moon as a jewel. You took me there, and I felt as though I was living a game of Myst!

The mechanism you made is intriguing as hell. I wish it had been my idea and I can totally see it being a central focus of an adventure game or movie.

It seems as though you are the kind of writer who needs to "warm up", and if I am correct, you started this passage "cold", so to speak. There is an instance where an adjective is used twice in close proximity, and a mispelling here and there, but nothing that crashes the story. And to be honest, you speak the Queen's English- for all I know that's how it is over there. I learned to spell from an Irish woman... But anyway, by the time you reach the third paragraph or so, your engine is purring and it takes me to the scene!

This piece is also frustrating, but in a good way- I want to know what precisely the fizzle is going on. Why was Allis there? What's wrong with his legs? What was he stepping on? Who made the device? Why were the trees purple? Was it the ambient light or were they a different strain of evergreen? Does the presence of the device mean that he's in a fake fake lie of a world?

Answer me, story! ANSWER MEE-HE-HEEE!


I was wondering the SAME things!
Oddly... The exact same things. XD

And a new question that I had was what WAS this world?
It was like a quirky, magical, outlandish place and I wanted to go there!
I REALLY want to know now!
Because the picture you painted was spectacular! ^^


I adore the descriptive wording for the sun and moon, and how you could see what contraption it was up in the sky operated by the lever, everything! And it was all very much a fantasy place - and that's my favorite genre, so i'm totally biased to your style now.  ;8


You were "cold" at the start, as M00s said, but I felt an adventure unfolding for this story so I was eager to follow along. It would definitely be perfect for a game or movie, absolutely. :3
I honestly liked this one better than the last.
And I LOVED the last one. :3

Keep going!  :moar:

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Posting so I don't forget to read this later. It sounds too good to miss out on! B)
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I know this won't be a m00s approved review, but I agree with everything that was said here so :julesapproved:
 

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Jules Approved!

:tinysmile:

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More wonderful storytelling from our lovely Uni.

I really did want to know more about how Allis got to where he was, but I kind of felt that the story spoke for itself despite how self-contained and mysterious it was. The imagery is, of course, beautiful and fit the struggle he went through to a T. For some odd reason, I almost wanted to take a walk outside due to all the sky-oriented descriptions and whatnot.

Overall, a wonderful story; it pulled off the uncertainty/mystery feel perfectly and it made me want more, but in a good way.

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In after all the good comments make their dues. ;9 Basically, I agree with all of thee above.

Your strength certainly seems to lie with the descriptions - especially when it comes to the imaginative aspects. In many ways, I actually think I liked this story a lot better than the last. It was very open-ended, which both confused me and left me in a daze of thoughts and feelings. Once you got past the "cold" beginning, the whole story exploded into something that could easily ferry me away on a ship of...whatever is going on here.

I liked it. It's as obscure and strange as my favorite dreams - challenging me to think for the meaning, but also to not want to know and simply enjoy the ride. B)

Great work with this one! It has the...uhhh...yuyubabe stamfpth-whatever-thing of approval. :yuyu:
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