[Writing] D&R: Follia

Part 2 of the D&R Saga

Genre: Insanity, Decline

Word Count: 2059

NOTE: This story contains graphic language, mature and possibly upsetting/offensive content, and deals thoroughly with the mentality of a major character. Therefore, some portions may be shocking to readers and might trigger some deep thought.

Spoiler for:

A new day in Vermont.

Me, Allen Benski, after all these years, finally being put in jail like so many people wanted. After all the felonies, cruelty, stupidity, blood and insanity, it's been put to rest. No more lives will have to suffer the mess that is my mind. My perspective will no longer corrupt my loved ones (for a certain degree of 'loved' at this point, anyway), and everything is safe and sound.

What a load of shit, if you ask me.

How could those assholes I call "friends" abandon me in my time of need? I've been ARRESTED, for Christs' sake. This isn't an episode of Oz, or a GTA plot; this is honest-to-god abuse of the law. I'm a man that is obviously mentally disturbed, and they treat me like any other criminal. Really shows the lack of respect and common sense in these people. If these fuckers want me to rot to the bone and 'think about my actions' when I've done nothing wrong, then they're sure as hell going to have to try harder than this, because I ain't having this shit.

I heard the voices of my friends, my girlfriend and the officers that have placed me under custody down the hall from my cell. I finished up the Ritz crackers I stole from the Food Lion a day ago, then I shouted "YOU FUCKING PUSSIES! STOP CIRCLE-JERKING IN THE CORNER DOWN THERE AND FACE ME LIKE MEN! THIS IS FUCKING DEGRADING!" while rattling the bars as violently as I could. A minute passed, then I saw them coming down to talk to me in a certain order; the first in line was the chief police.

"I don't know where to begin, Allen. From the day you were born, I had such high hopes for you; you were such a wonderful little boy growing up, and from grade school to college, you've proven yourself a capable, intelligent young man. As you know... well, before you killed them, anyway... I was close friends with both of your parents, and we spoke all the time of your growth and progress. You would not BEGIN to comprehend how proud they were of you, and how much they loved you. Then, you graduate... and it all deteriorates. Ever since you've reached your early twenties, you've become increasingly mean-spirited, ungrateful and unsympathetic when it comes to everything. Mercilessly beating people up, having very little positive things to say in general, shop-lifting... but I tolerated it. I knew you were just going through a rebellious young adult phase after accomplishing so much at such a young phase, but that phase hasn't stopped for almost 4 years.

Then it reached its peak in the last few days, and I cried so hard at hearing you burn down a church solely out of psychopathic impulse that I felt it went on for hours. I'm sorry, Allen, but I simply cannot idly stand by and let you do these blatantly illegal things anymore. You've destroyed too many lives at this point for me to release you in good faith for the next 5 years". After his speech, he calmly left the room.

Up next was Randy, Jason and Terrance; however, Randy had decided to speak for them, due to the latter two being too shell-shocked to voice their views.

"Allen... the things you've done... the acts you've committed... BEYOND horrible; BEYOND unforgivable. If I were naive, fuck, I'd assume you were the second coming of Satan right about now. It's all been downhill from your college graduation, and your birthday showed that you do not know how to be a model citizen anymore; hell, I doubt you were ever one on the inside. You probably just waited until you were out of the education scene to exact pain onto everyone in your path without fear of being criticized. But I have a newsflash for ya; YOU CAN GET IN TROUBLE NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, and your actions over the past several years have demonstrated that fact to the absolute fullest. I speak for myself, Jason and Terrance when I say that we don't even know who the fuck you ARE anymore. In fact, riddle me this...". He then paused, and with a calm, but clearly distraught, angry look, said "...are you really our friend?".

"...are you on fucking CRACK, Randy? Of course we're fri-"

"Well, FRIENDS DON'T DO THIS SHIT. FRIENDS DON'T CONSTANTLY YELL AT THEIR OTHER FRIENDS OVER THE MOST MINOR SHIT, BEAT PEOPLE UP, COMMIT MURDERS, AND THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T BURN DOWN FUCKING CHURCHES. YOU'RE A SICK PIECE OF SHIT, AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I HOPE YOU ROT BOTH IN HERE AND IN HELL, YOU COCKSUCKER"

I then tried as hard as I could to reach out and strangle the fucker to death from my bars, but he left like the sensitive little shit he was, along with the other two little shitheads. "FINE, ASSNECK, LEAVE. IF YOU GUYS CAN'T TAKE A GODDAMN JOKE, THEN I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. EVER". After I cooled down, Carrie approached me, completely wrecked emotionally.

"Allen Tito Benski... I absolutely... positively... CANNOT believe you. At all. I really can't"

"Carrie, save your breath. It was just a minor chain of events on my part. It'll be fixed so-"

"MINOR?!". She then kicked the gate so hard that the bars dented a bit. She did it at least five or so more times before she lost breath.

"You stupid CUNT; WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? Do you not realize that I'm in jail right now? Do you mind having some sympathy for me for a change? Y'know... maybe some fucking cour-". By that point, she finally lost her temper and completely unloaded on me.

"Sympathy? Courtesy? A single shard of respect? After every single thing you've been doing since you've turned 21? FUCK YOU; YOU DON'T DESERVE A SINGLE THING FROM ME, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. We still live on EARTH, you know; not everything revolves around you, but that hasn't stopped you from giving yourself that idea for ages. That hasn't stopped you from treating every single human being in your path like complete and utter DIRT and someone to use for your own twisted desires. And that CERTAINLY, I imagine, HASN'T STOPPED YOU FROM COMPLETELY DEFACING MY FUCKING RELIGION. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG MY FAMILY HAS FOLLOWED CATHOLICISM? If it were up to the pope, you'd be fucking beaten senseless by now. OH WAIT, THOUGH; YOU BURNED HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE WITH FUCKING GASOLINE OR WHATEVER FOR YOUR EVIL PLEASURES OR WHATEVER. Guess he can't do that!

If your parents were here, they would undoubtedly disown your ass. Oh, wait; YOU KILLED THEM RIGHT AFTER YOU GRADUATED. And where in the flying FUCK do YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE, get off telling your GODDAMN CLOSEST FRIENDS that you're completely in the right and that they're "PUSSIES" for acting like people that're actually... y'know, RIGHT IN THE HEAD?! Where do YOU get off blowing up restaurants, killing people for absolutely no reason, blowing up over the slightest fallacies in logic, and overall acting completely unpleasant in general because YOU'RE SO GODDAMN PERFECT AND PURE? Your hypocrisy is so massive, that if if were a bag of extracted human fat, I could FUCK IT FOR MONTHS ON END. You lack so much empathy that if I were to open up a box of chocolates and find NOT EVEN ONE THERE, THAT'D PERFECTLY REPRESENT SAID LACK."

She then stepped back a bit, and with a soul-crushing stare, red face and tears pouring down her eyes, said "I could go on, I honest-to-FUCK could... but I figured I'd end on this simple fact; I don't love you anymore". As I said "WHAT?! EXCUSE ME?!", she replied "A-are you really that DENSE, Allen? Have you accumulated severe ignorance along with your sociopathy and bipolar disorder? ...I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. YOU'VE SPAT ON ME, YOUR FRIENDS, EVERYONE YOU LOVE, AND THE ENTIRE WORLD AT LARGE FOR THE LAST TIME. I. DON'T. WANT. TO. SEE. YOU. EVER. AGAIN. I WANT YOU TO DIE ALONE IN YOUR OWN SHIT AND URINE. I WANT YOU TO DIE WITH UNPARALLELED GUILT, IF YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS; WHICH YOU MOST LIKELY DON'T. I... I...".

She then lost whatever sanity she had left, then kicked the cage until her leg got completely tired and she could barely walk. "You're starting to annoy me", I said, then I took out the pistol I'd saved from the mental clinic and shot her with absolutely no emotion whatsoever. Felt fucking great, if you ask me; that bitch was letting her pretentiousness get the best of her. A prison guard walked out from the door down the hall, noticed her corpse, and said in the most shocked, angry voice possible "you're a fucking asshole. Seriously. GIVE ME THAT FUCKING GUN". I gave him it, let him search my room thoroughly, then let him take Carrie's remains out of the cell room when he was done... then right before he got to the door, I raced over to the corner of the cell with broken floor fragments, took out a gun I cleverly hid there for safe-keeping, ran back then got a head-shot in before he could leave.

I laid down on my bed for the next 5 hours, then I heard footsteps from down the hall coming towards my cell; it was the doctor that tried to extract me from the clinic.

"Hello, Allen", he said. "I don't feel like looking at your ugly mug. Get out of here", I replied.

"I just dropped by to tell you something". He then took out his wallet, and showed pictures of a familiar face. "See the girl in this picture? That's Pearl. She was the nurse that diagnosed you a while ago". "And you're showing me this... why?", I asked. He then stepped back and told a story about her and him.

"Pearl... was very special to me. When I was still in high school, I noticed how tough, smart and beautiful she was; she was training to become a marine for the United States Marine Corps, and she made quite a lot of practice. I soon fell in love, approached her, then we hit it off for a few years before getting married. We were married until our 30's, then we unfortunately had to break up due to lack of concrete mutual support, but we remained very close friends and decided to enter the psychiatry field together and support the Brattleboro Retreat hospital here in Vermont after she retired from her military career. She remained a very tough, but kind, supportive and intelligent woman and benefited our clinic for years. ...then you two had that dispute, and you apparently pistol-whipped her... I understand the severity of your disagreements, but I hope you understand how hard I'm taking this de-"

"YOU JUST CAME IN TO CHASTISE ME AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU? I'VE ALREADY BEEN YELLED AT BY EVERYONE ELSE, YOU FUCKING DICKHEEEEAAAADDD-". I then shot at him with my hidden pistol until he dropped to the floor and was riddled with bloody holes. This was at night, so thankfully, security wasn't quite as tight as it was during the day. Little did I know, though...

...that this scene was the final nail in the coffin for me. My life started flashing before my eyes, I developed a borderline migraine... and then I just laughed; laughed hysterically, seemingly endlessly as I fell onto the floor and jerked around like a dying insect until I lost my breath and simply chuckled unnervingly for the next hour or so.

You're still probably exactly HOW I became the man I am now; stripped down to being in a jumpsuit, laughing my ass off at the madness that is life... the madness that is my life... it has been mentioned numerous times that my downfall began sometime after my graduation from college, but that is a story better saved for another day. I'm exhausted right now, and I wouldn't know where to begin, frankly.

As I sleep, I constantly hear in my head "...follia...". Probably just my mind letting out steam from my breakdown, though. I dunno.

Definitely insanity.

I actually kinda liked where this was going at first, but the turn it took kinda shocked me. o.o

The writing itself is pretty good, and I don't really have a problem with the grammar or structure. It's easy to read and follow.

My concerns lie with the highly unrealistic conditions and reactions. In this one, specifically, there would be no way that he could hide two guns in a jail cell - they'd search him before throwing him in.

And the reactions? They were all freaking out at him, yes, but it still felt kinda off with the way his girlfriend said "OH NEVER MIND YOU KILLED THEM". Realistically, those people would probably not even want to see him after all of that. o.o They'd likely be more scared than anything.

The thing that really confused me was the way the cop reacted when he went in there and saw her body. He was just like "now, now, gimme the gun, you asshole."

And also...he killed his parents? o_o I think they might have arrested him for that first. O_O Oh, man. Allen, Allen, Allen. Dude is cray.

I actually would have really liked to see this turn out to be a scenario entirely made up by Allen. Not just because it's a lot of really depressing stuff, but because it's a bit unrealistic and that would be a plot twist to tie up the loose ends. Basically - whoa! Allen made it all up! It would explain some of the gray areas, too. B)

Just my two cents! B)

Aha! I see why you write this way. Excellent outlet.

On subject, though- I finally figured out how to say succinctly what I would like to see from your writing: you must edit! I am anxious to love this stuff, but I find I cannot because it is cluttered. Underneath the clutter I see such awful beauty, and that's hard to pull off IMO... but the ideas you have are getting in the way.

@Yu

Keep in mind that I'm not going strictly for realism with these stories; if I were, then yes, he wouldn't have the guns in the first place, and his former friends wouldn't have bothered to visit the cell, much less even acknowledge he exists, and they'd just let their initial reactions speak for themselves. I'm mostly focusing on a realistic setting with (somewhat) believable characterization, as opposed to going out of my way to play things out like a real life situation. I understand your criticisms regardless, though, and I probably should have looked over the fallacies a bit more. And the guard WAS quite shocked at the body; the reason he asked for the gun after seeing it was BECAUSE he was so mad at the sight of her corpse, and he didn't want Allen to kill anyone else.

@M00s

What ideas in particular are detaining your enjoyment? If you happen to offer some examples, I'll most certainly keep them in mind. I read your previous notes on the vulgarity in the first installment, and since most of the major events in this saga happened, it's very likely that it'll be toned down apart from perhaps flashbacks, since this story is meant to go both downhill and up, in a sense. I can certainly understand if the rampant edginess gets in the way of my articulacy, but I assure you, as the situation becomes more positive (which it will), there will be less and less of a need for extreme reactions and obscenities.

As far as the killing of the parents goes, the third story will explain that, since this one was mostly about Allen receiving his karma on a silver platter. I'm disappointed that I couldn't work in more concrete details for this one, but I felt I had something going here that worked enough on its own.

The way the girlfriend is yelling is how I might see myself yelling at my dad.
Yeah, he's an asshole, too. XD

Anyway, I can see how both Yuyu and M00s sees some of the unrealistic areas about the hidden guns, reactions, etc. I see them, too, but I kept going because I firmly believe there is a point to all those unrealistic happenings.

Besides... The guy is insane.
He might be thinking it all up as we speak. XD


The language and presented words don't bother me, and with the crazy anger that you can feel these people have for Allen is definitely more of what I would expect rather than, Oh Allen, you're a terrible person... Boooooo!, so yeah. XD


I look forward to the next part. :3
Not everything is all it seems, and I'll keep an open mind. ^^

Alright, for example: the police cheif adresses Allen, and it's a little unclear as to why; one surmises that through his career of violence they came to know ech other, but the depth of their relationship is a tad fuzzy and seems contrived.

I'd assume at this point that this will be explained in a future installment, but when writing a short story- even if it is linked to other short stories- each installment has to be an entity unto itself.

In a similar vein, the segment about the hidden pistol is rather poorly inserted. What was it doing in the clinic? How did Allen get it past the guards? A sociopath would have been proud of the way he fooled the guards enough to slip it past them and would love to talk about how he did it.

The dialogue is good, and is your best assest in your writing. The only criticism I have there (for this entry) is that when  Carrie is talking to Allen, she is shouting and uses the word whatever. Whatever indicates that she is unsure of her meaning or words, and people who shout are doing so to make sure their message is clear and heard. It just doesn't work in that sentence.

But again I will state, there is something compelling under all the flaws. I encourage you to read your passages aloud, in character, and see if you can't find some fuzz you can trim off.

My concerns lie with the highly unrealistic conditions and reactions. In this one, specifically, there would be no way that he could hide two guns in a jail cell - they'd search him before throwing him in.

And the reactions? They were all freaking out at him, yes, but it still felt kinda off with the way his girlfriend said "OH NEVER MIND YOU KILLED THEM". Realistically, those people would probably not even want to see him after all of that. o.o They'd likely be more scared than anything.

The thing that really confused me was the way the cop reacted when he went in there and saw her body. He was just like "now, now, gimme the gun, you asshole."

And also...he killed his parents? o_o I think they might have arrested him for that first. O_O Oh, man. Allen, Allen, Allen. Dude is cray.

I actually would have really liked to see this turn out to be a scenario entirely made up by Allen. Not just because it's a lot of really depressing stuff, but because it's a bit unrealistic and that would be a plot twist to tie up the loose ends. Basically - whoa! Allen made it all up! It would explain some of the gray areas, too. B)

Aha! I see why you write this way. Excellent outlet.

On subject, though- I finally figured out how to say succinctly what I would like to see from your writing: you must edit! I am anxious to love this stuff, but I find I cannot because it is cluttered. Underneath the clutter I see such awful beauty, and that's hard to pull off IMO... but the ideas you have are getting in the way.

Basically what they said. The one thing you really have going for you, in my opinion, is that you know how to draw people in. We want to know what happens. We keep waiting for Allen to get whats coming to him, and that's good.

But I find myself less and less inclined to keep reading simply because it's so unbelievable.  (See m00s post above this one lol) I get that you aren't going for complete realism, but we tend to lean toward what we understand. And the best stories are ones that draw us in with things we know to take us on journey's with people and places we don't know.

Now for the actual constructive critcism lol  Try to avoid repeating words. I believe it was m00s who said it tends to draw you out of the story, and it does. For example:

She then lost whatever sanity she had left, then kicked the cage until her leg got completely tired and she could barely walk. "You're starting to annoy me", I said, then I took out the pistol I'd saved from the mental clinic and shot her with absolutely no emotion whatsoever. Felt fucking great, if you ask me; that bitch was letting her pretentiousness get the best of her. A prison guard walked out from the door down the hall, noticed her corpse, and said in the most shocked, angry voice possible "you're a fucking asshole. Seriously. GIVE ME THAT FUCKING GUN". I gave him it, let him search my room thoroughly, then let him take Carrie's remains out of the cell room when he was done... then right before he got to the door, I raced over to the corner of the cell with broken floor fragments, took out a gun I cleverly hid there for safe-keeping, ran back then got a head-shot in before he could leave.

Good eye, Lady J. Yeah, I think now that you mention it (and I'm surprised I didn't see it myself) the overuse of certain words syncopates the rhythm of the story to a metronome quality. IN other words, the tempo is formulaic. Good for music, not so good for writing.

Basicaslly, a lot of your paragraphs have several instances of conjoined senences. Perhaps experimenting with different rhythms would yield a more dynamic flow?

A very good eye indeed!
I didn't notice that until now...

Maybe I was imagining stuff too much. XD

Wow, I'm getting some interesting replies here.

Alright, for example: the police cheif adresses Allen, and it's a little unclear as to why; one surmises that through his career of violence they came to know ech other, but the depth of their relationship is a tad fuzzy and seems contrived.

I wasn't necessarily trying to convey a possible relationship despite the wording; it was more of a savvy type of thing (he doesn't really know Allen himself, but being someone that's worked with the law for a long time, he can more-or-less sense sociopaths a mile away), really.

I'd assume at this point that this will be explained in a future installment, but when writing a short story- even if it is linked to other short stories- each installment has to be an entity unto itself.

I can understand that.

In a similar vein, the segment about the hidden pistol is rather poorly inserted. What was it doing in the clinic? How did Allen get it past the guards? A sociopath would have been proud of the way he fooled the guards enough to slip it past them and would love to talk about how he did it.

That was one thing I, regrettably and admittingly, didn't go too into apart from him somehow hiding it in the floor. Probably the most glaring plot hole, looking back; I have a minor tendency to forget to clear up things like that, though I usually do my best effort to provide a decent explanation for most situations.

The dialogue is good, and is your best assest in your writing. The only criticism I have there (for this entry) is that when  Carrie is talking to Allen, she is shouting and uses the word whatever. Whatever indicates that she is unsure of her meaning or words, and people who shout are doing so to make sure their message is clear and heard. It just doesn't work in that sentence.

The usage of 'whatever' is kind of a way of showing the possibilities Allen has. Carrie's known him for quite a while, and she knows about his intelligence and the utterly broken mind-set he often combines it with, so it was kind of a roadblock of sorts that fits both his unpredictability and the long list of things he's capable of doing.

But again I will state, there is something compelling under all the flaws. I encourage you to read your passages aloud, in character, and see if you can't find some fuzz you can trim off.

Thank you. Despite there being several instances of unrealistic circumstance and some outright random things thrown in that the protagonist can use to his advantage (I'm rather faulty with logic on occasion, not gonna lie), I'm glad you get some degree enjoyment out of my stories, and your criticisms are very justified and understandable.

And yeah, I've always had an enormous problem with run-on sentences (like the huge amount of thens; I didn't realize how glaring that was until I looked at it again, I feel like such an idiot lol). I'll do my best to tone it down in the next installment. Probably won't release it until tomorrow, though, since I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night and god knows that I'll make the flaws in my writing even worse if I write with a barely running mind, lol.

And as I've stressed before, I know the saga so far seems quite unrealistic and has somewhat ham-fisted edginess in-between the ambiguous and often confusing events (a big theme apart from typical grammar and literacy errors that I'm noticing here is that people are often trying to comprehend the events; as I've said in the first story's topic, the beauty behind this series is the ambiguity and how open to interpretation most things are. Some situations can definitely just be chalked up to mediocre/poor writing on my part, of course, so I'm not using the 'YOU JUST DON'T GET IT' card by any means, since ya'll're intelligent readers), but I'm positive that things will make at least a bit more sense in the latter two entries.