RMRK is retiring.
Registration is disabled. The site will remain online, but eventually become a read-only archive. More information.

RMRK.net has nothing to do with Blockchains, Cryptocurrency or NFTs. We have been around since the early 2000s, but there is a new group using the RMRK name that deals with those things. We have nothing to do with them.
NFTs are a scam, and if somebody is trying to persuade you to buy or invest in crypto/blockchain/NFT content, please turn them down and save your money. See this video for more information.
[Writing] "You Threatened Her..." (Short Scene by B.Williford)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Level 44
Bronze SS AuthorBronze Writing Reviewer
This is more of a scene than a story, I suppose.
If I tried doing a full short story, I'd go waaaay overboard!
This came to 1857 words, going for 2k. :3

And if anyone gets interested, there's actually MORE to this story than you see here!

"You Threatened Her..."
Theme: Revenge


Morton City...

There was a scent in the awakening night sky as he flew over building tops of downtown, the smell moist and warm as it entered his lungs, and yet, familiar as it came to his senses.
All too familiar...
His eyes glazed, jade gems into mint leaves in color, as he could almost taste the aroma, and, unlike ever before, aware that this meant disaster.
His feathered wings of black glided downward to investigate...

The Dark Angel found himself landing quickly, as there were bodies up and down the sidewalks, each one still lit in a kindle of blue flame that arose from huge holes in the flesh, blood still pooling beneath the corpses as the fires dealt with the rest.
He pressed his lips together, nodding.
The scent of blood and burning remains.
Of course.
Titanium then realized something, eyes now scanning down the streets, following the trail of demise carefully, studying the faces of the dead.
Whatever or whoever killed these people, they were merciless, with emotions having lack of empathy, not hesitant to take the life any innocence that drew breath.
A lot like him in all his reality.
But not quite.
Because he was, at the moment, looking for the only thing he had allowed himself to give any thought about in an age...

"Mevi... Where are you...?"

Titanium whispered to himself, over and over, his mind racing with possibilities, the destruction left behind only telling him all his heart didn't want to listen to, nor believe.
He followed the trail of bodies, every once in awhile stooping down to dip his fingertips into a puddle of blood, and tasting it.
It wasn't hers.
The Dark Angel continued, coming to a bridge that overlooked a strange lake, passed by a long deserted kindergarten, moved across the fields of a park.
And then...
He stopped.

There was blood droplets that dotted bushes, trees, and a pathway to the center of the park.
Not only that, but he heard hushed voices.
One being female.

The Prince of Darkness narrowed his eyes...

_ _ _

As they neared the center fountain of the park, he nudged her harshly in the back with his blaster, and, when she didn't move fast enough, he then shoved her completely to the ground.
The young girl gasped loudly, her fall unexpected, and hit the side of the fountain with all her body. She winced in pain, biting her lip, as she felt her leg muscles pounding where he had stabbed her with her own Azukian knife.
Mevi turned her head back to look at him as his shadow swallowed her, eyes still damp with tears, shaking in all her fright. She tried to stand, but his gun raised threateningly along with his voice.
"Sit down."
She immediately sat on the edge of the stone, forced into submission.

Rudy looked at her nearly without emotion at this moment. Slowly, he withdrew his blaster from aiming at her head, arm at his side, positioning his body directly before her. Now he smiled deviously, purple eyes shining from inside his tinted sky shades.
Mevi breathed softly, shaking.
"I-... I didn't recognize you at first...", she says, eyes pulling away, scared that even her look might cause him to shoot, or worse, her voice. "And t-then... You said my name. Your clothes, I knew, you were Avaritian, too..." She grit her teeth because otherwise they would have chattered, so scared, and her eyes wet heavily again. "Y-You are Ruderyn Chase, are-aren't you? You knew my brother??"
She heard a scoff.
Her eyes dared to look up, and she saw his weapon take aim again at her body. She didn't move, just stared back.
"Correction - I know that coward of a brother of yours", Rudy snaps, eyes sharpening. "Kyros could run from the Wingdron, but he was a fool to think he could run from me! No goddess can save him, no life form from this planet, either. However, your brother does have the ability to hide very well. But as I have done so many times in the past, I will flush him out with bait."
He smirked now.
"I can see you and I spending a lot of time together, Mevi..."

Rudy stepped forward, blaster coming only a few inches away from her face, and then he knelt down to draw closer to her.
Mevi shied away, shivering, pulling her legs in close while sheltering them in what little fabric she could of her short sundress, eyes closing to avoid his gaze
She now flinched, feeling the smooth, myrh-built silver against her cheek, and below her wrist being clasped in his other hand.
"Call him."
The girl flickered her eyes open, mouth open in shock.
"W-What? You want me to do what?"
The sky rogue chuckles, evilly smiling. He lifted her arm up, letting her eyes fall on the contraption around her wrist.
"You heard me", Rudy answers. "Don't act like I don't know what these are. Without a doubt, your brother has a brace on his wrist just like it. The Wind--"
"He sold it!", Mevi cries out, then sitting back.

They both now fell silent.

Rudy lifted his head slightly, eyes rolling back with intense rage building in him, body jolting immediately into a stand before pacing like a fierce animal.
Mevi hugged herself, eyes darting all over him, sensing that he was not stable, and, at any moment, he would kill her for her lack of value now.
The sky rogue stopped, turning to her now, blaster taking aim between her eyes.
She froze as she stared death in the face.
"If you are lying to me, I swear this rising sun will be the last you ever see!", Rudy bellows, his gun clicking.
She yelped, tears streaming down her face.
"N-No, please! I'm t-telling you the truth!"
He growled, weapon whirring with blue energy.
"Why don't I believe you?"
Her eyes widened.
He was going to shoot her, and she knew that!

Just as the blaster hummed with full charge, ready to blast a hole of burning flame in her head, a slicing of metal was heard, so sharp but smooth, and then the length of the weapon was peeling off the hardware, sparking, falling to the ground to render the gun useless.
Rudy watched in horror, jaw gaping open in all his surprise as the firearm fell apart.
Mevi was still, eyes still wide, dazed to the point that she barely realized that she was still alive.
Then, after a few moments for them both to take it all in, they turned their heads to see a purely black sword, the blade that had flown past at lightspeed, stuck into the nearest tree.
The sky rogue felt his teeth grind.
"What in--!"

He was cut off as he was suddenly rammed into from the side, taken for a tumble across the grasses of the park, rolling with another body that was clearly overpowering him.
When Rudy landed on his back, and the being on top of him, he flinched with remembrance.
"Y-You... In the bar, that was you!"
The darkness spread over the face in waves, though the eyes still glowed verdant with intense rage, and the mouth opening to show fangs, hissing viciously.
The Avaritian pulled away, scurrying back on his hands and legs, shaking now.
"W-Who are you?! What do you want with me?!?!"
The creature stood, shadowing the human, drawing closer as his wings stretched out hideously.
"Rudy, was it?", a voice darkly says, laugh echoing out after. "You brazenly looked into my eyes then, now look again! If you stare into the darkness long enough--"
The sky rogue stood, stumbling back into a tree, eyes never able to leave the glow of the possessed.
The being advanced, catching him by the throat with his claws.
Another laugh.
"Hahahaha!! FINISH IT!!!"
Rudy swallowed, quivering.
"--The darkness s-stares...back at you......"

The light then passed over them, coming now between the leaves of the tree, and revealed Titanium there, eyes gleaming with deranged bloodlust, fangs fully together in an sparkling, heinous grin.
Rudy couldn't look away, his eyes stunned, as if he was now seeing all the terror that his killing had caused, as if he was seeing all the massacre the being before him had done.
The Dark Angel now drew in close, his face coming only an inch from the human, tilting his head as his eyes continued to leer at his prey.
"You threatened her...", Titanium whispers sharply.
Now his eyes narrowed, burning in green flame.
"You will pay the price... In blood..."
Only then, at that moment, did the Avaritian come back, drawn out of the spell, to see now that it was too late.

Titanium pulled his arm back, nails lengthening, and then plunged his claws into the pit of his victim's stomach.
Rudy choked, not a scream escaped him, mouth quaking as his eyes expressed all the cries of his agony.
The prince smirked, then twisted his hooks, mangling the insides of the wretch.
The eyes of the human dimmed, glazing, and then his head slumped forward against the dark one's shoulder, gasping a few wisping breathes, and began sliding down his figure to the ground.

Titanium just watched, his victim laying out before him dying, all the while lifting his bloody nails to his tongue to get a taste of sweet, sweet revenge.

Finishing, turning and walking away, the Prince of Darkness made his way over to her, seeing her sitting there curled up by the fountain, and yes, staring with eyes in awesome fear of him.
Titanium came to her, knelt down, emerald optics looking over her face as he, without her knowing, pulled the knife out of her leg.
Mevi breathed shakily, slowly slipping her legs down, fingers reaching out to touch his other unsoiled hand.
The Dark Angel smiled now.
"I will be the end of you, draw you into some dark place you cannot escape from, to become like some outer shell of who you are. I do not deny that; I won't. It would take endless time to tell you of all the evils I've done, to explain what kind of monster I really am, or for me to even atone for my sins. Bloodshed is my name, to bring pain and death, to cover all the universe in darkness. It my choice..."
She began to draw away, but this time, he reached out to take her by the shoulders, aligning their eyes.
He laughed gently.
"You didn't let me finish before..."
Mevi looked confused.
Titanium then scooped her up in his arms, holding her close, smile still warm as he looked at her.
"It is my choice... But I would never hurt you, Mevi..."

She was just about to say something, but as she went to, sirens went off in the distance with lights other than the sun approaching.
The Dark Angel nodded to her and took flight, both fleeing the scene before any law enforcement had the chance to take record of their presence.

And all the while...
Rudy remained, gasping for air, for life...

« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 09:24:26 AM by boe »

RMRK's Mom
Level 88
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
2014 Most Missed Member2013 Most Mature Member2013 Kindest Member2013 Best Counsel2013 Queen of RMRKBronze SS AuthorBronze Writing Reviewer2012 Kindest Member2012 Best Counselluv u bb <3Secret Santa 2012 ParticipantFor taking a crack at the RMRK Wiki2010 Kindest Member
0_0    AWESOME!!   

It's really hard to pick out errors when you guys write so well :mad:  I noticed a couple of grammatical errors, but only after I read it the second time lol  You also get two thumbs up


Level 44
Bronze SS AuthorBronze Writing Reviewer
Oh, fantastic! ^^ So glad you liked it!
All last night I was thinking, Oh, man, I'm throwing people in the middle of all this and it's going to confuse everyone!, but I'm glad that it was at least holding up somewhat, enough to be interesting. :3

If you know where those errors were, let me know. I re-read just now and probably missed them easily. XD

But I am just thrilled that you enjoyed it!
I was thinking of using these two characters again in a different theme, since they have such a great story. :3
« Last Edit: March 25, 2014, 10:20:47 PM by FlameMaster5 »

The Hero of Rhyme
Level 83
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
2014 Best RPG Maker User - StoryProject of the Year 20142014 Queen of RMRK2011 Best Newbie2014 Best RPG Maker User - Creativity2014 Kindest Member2013 Queen of RMRKBronze SS AuthorBronze Writing ReviewerSecret Santa 2013 ParticipantFor taking arms in the name of your breakfast.GOOD!For frequently finding and reporting spam and spam bots2012 Best Yuyubabe Smiley2012 Best RPG Maker User (Creativity);o
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Amazing writing, Bree! This is the first time I've got to read some of your stuff and I'm really impressed! ^_^

I loved Titanium! :gracie: Would marry <3

The structure was amazing. It was nice and broken up and easy to read. The writing style flowed very well and I never found myself confused at what was happening. I loved the use of extremely short sentences to the get the point across.

Now, the content itself was outstanding! You really put a lot of detail into exactly what happened and how it happened, even down to the small body movements. The story was pretty suspenseful and already started off with a character that draws attention by not being human - and through his dark personality! I'm personally attracted to stories like this - fantasy, romantic, mythical, with a charming and dark, dashing bachelor!

You've got me hooked, girl! :gracie: Looking forward to moar!
Spoiler for My Games and Art:

My Artwork Thread

The Lhuvia Tales [Current]

Ambassador [Complete]

The Postman [Complete]

The Wyvern [Complete]

Phoenix Wright: Haunted Turnabout [Complete]

Major Arcana [Cancelled]

Level 44
Bronze SS AuthorBronze Writing Reviewer
I think that was the BEST compliment I've ever gotten! ^^

Hahaha! Every girl wants to marry Titanium! XD
Who wouldn't? He's so gorgeous...  :gracie:

I find that in contrast to other story styles I've read so far that I tend to move fast, I don't linger too long.
Sometimes that is a BAD thing, but I try to incorporate detail where necessary.
But even dialogue can create detail, so this scene did well on not losing people. :3

You're hooked? Fan-damn-tastic! ^^
Looks like I know what next to write out! :3

The Hero of Rhyme
Level 83
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
2014 Best RPG Maker User - StoryProject of the Year 20142014 Queen of RMRK2011 Best Newbie2014 Best RPG Maker User - Creativity2014 Kindest Member2013 Queen of RMRKBronze SS AuthorBronze Writing ReviewerSecret Santa 2013 ParticipantFor taking arms in the name of your breakfast.GOOD!For frequently finding and reporting spam and spam bots2012 Best Yuyubabe Smiley2012 Best RPG Maker User (Creativity);o
I actually really like the fast-paced writing style. o.o I'm obviously not someone to linger (most of my stuff is less than half of the word count limit). :B So, I have no qualms about that! ^_^

P.S: I love romance. ;_;
Spoiler for My Games and Art:

My Artwork Thread

The Lhuvia Tales [Current]

Ambassador [Complete]

The Postman [Complete]

The Wyvern [Complete]

Phoenix Wright: Haunted Turnabout [Complete]

Major Arcana [Cancelled]

Level 72
2014 Best Artist2013 Best ArtistFor taking arms in the name of your breakfast.Gold - GIAW 10Contestant - GIAW 9
;o; so sweet of an ending! There was a few grammar errors but they were so small that my brain tuned them out :p

RMRK's dad
Level 86
You know, I think its all gonna be okay.
For going the distance for a balanced breakfast.Project of the Month winner for June 2009For being a noted contributor to the RMRK Wiki2013 Best WriterSilver Writing ReviewerSecret Santa 2013 Participant
I'm not sure how I feel about this piece.

There seems to be a lot of background I'm not privvy to. I'm finding it diffcult to see past the stuff I don't know and see that characters.

Your descriptions are great. I can hear the sound of metal being cut as Rudy's gun is sliced! Man, I just can't help imagining this scene as a japanimation cartoon!

On that note, however, because there is so much action, I feel that 2k words just doesn't do it justice. So in a nutshell, yes I am interested in :moar:, and I want to see the whole work that his piece is from. I would however encourage you to read through every sentence and find the places where participles were dangled, or lines where conjunctions were missed.

Level 44
Bronze SS AuthorBronze Writing Reviewer
I definitely must seek out these errors then if multiple people found them! XD
Might have been my tired brain, or maybe I'm just used to doing something I shouldn't...

Yeah, EvilM00s, I get what you're saying since this was a piece of a puzzle instead of a whole where you had more detail, like the in-depth descriptions of people, or the scenery, etc. I agree, 2k words won't fully fill anyone in, but I'm glad you all at least tried for me. ^^

Yeah, please, continue to see this at least in anime-ish style characters, or fantasy, some type of drawing anyway because I have never done anything considered close to 'real'. That's just not how I work, I like fiction completely.
And it's how I see it in my head, so awesome that it kept its charm in yours. ;]

Since I got a lot of cheers I did NOT expect, I'd be happy to add more of this story in themes to come for the challenge. I'm rather excited about that! ^^

Level 98
2010 Best Veteran2014 Most Mature Member2014 Best Use of Avatar and Signature Space2014 Best IRC Chatterbox2014 King of RMRK2014 Favorite Staff Member2014 Best Counsel2014 Best Writer2013 Favorite Staff MemberSecret Santa 2013 ParticipantFor the great victory in the Breakfast War.Secret Santa 2012 Participant2011 Best Writer2011 Best Counsel2010 Funniest Member2010 Best Writer
This was a good story. Your writing style is very spot on with capturing tension, mentioning the small movements between two characters goes a long way. I could feel the anxiety between the opposing parties throughout the story very easily, and I can see why you would need to write more.

Not a lot of information was given out about certain details, and more to the story would be an easy read to speed through, as everyone else is raving as well. M00s is pretty spot on about the puzzle aspect. However, I was really thrown by your grammatical styling. You have so many commas that a lot of your sentences are hard to swallow fragments.

Whatever, or whoever, killed these people, they were merciless, with emotions having lack of empathy, not hesitant to take the life any innocence that drew breath.

This was one of the biggest offenders. Comma usage is welcome in dialogue, because people do talk with this kind of staggered motion, but in writing it is harder to read. It feels as though someone is telling this story vocally, rather than in planned writing. Varying your sentence structure between simple and complex throughout would benefit you greatly. Don't be afraid of having a longer sentence with less (or no) commas! They are meant to branch two adjoined clauses together.

Other than my OCD nitpicking, your story is well written and I look forward to scrolling up to read what else you have down, and what comes in the future!
you awoke in a burning paperhouse
from the infinite fields of dreamless sleep

Level 44
Bronze SS AuthorBronze Writing Reviewer
Thank you! :3

I actually really appreciate that feedback so I can fix this scene up where possible.
That tells me I may end up doing that in other areas without truly realizing it.
AND... I may have been trying a little too hard. XD

But I'm glad it kept everyone's interest so far.
Now that I know, I can be mindful of this in the future.