I have a funny joke...

Ok, it's a doctor patient joke.

Doctor: I have some bad news for you...
Patient: What, please do tell!
Doctor: Well, you have Alzheimer's and Cancer.
Patient: Oh, good! Well at least I don' have Cancer!

Any one else have some?

A young man who just got his driving license loves to pick on other drivers.
When someone wants to park his car, the young man waited for a while until the car is almost in, then he raced and take over the parking place.
"You have to be young and fast to do it," is what he always says after doing that.
One day, an old man, driving a limousine, wants to park his car.
The young man did the same, then get out from his car, saying, "You have to be young and fast to do it."
The old man didn't stop, he keeps driving back and back, crushing his own car and that young man's car. The young man can't say anything. He was shocked.
The old man stepped out from the car, and he showed a piece of insurance paper.
"You have to be old and rich to do it," he smirked.

A young man who just got his driving license loves to pick on other drivers.
When someone wants to park his car, the young man waited for a while until the car is almost in, then he raced and take over the parking place.
"You have to be young and fast to do it," is what he always says after doing that.
One day, an old man, driving a limousine, wants to park his car.
The young man did the same, then get out from his car, saying, "You have to be young and fast to do it."
The old man didn't stop, he keeps driving back and back, crushing his own car and that young man's car. The young man can't say anything. He was shocked.
The old man stepped out from the car, and he showed a piece of insurance paper.
"You have to be old and rich to do it," he smirked.

Funny!

Ok: What is Gray and White on the inside and Red and White on the Outside? -

Spoiler for:

Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup

mmm...elephant, had some of that for dinner last night. Its pretty good, except the skins kind of rough.

haahaha 

A doctor walks into the room with an x-ray in his hand and says to the patient:

"When I was young my dad always told me a picture's worth a thousand words! But, all this says is your screwed"

sorta funny...

On the mailman's last stop of his last day of work, he arrives at a beautiful woman's house. She comes to the door, and is wearing only a very small pair of panties. The mailman is flabbergasted when she invites him inside. After an hour of intense sex, the woman cooks him a delicious meal of bacon, eggs, and pancakes. When he is finished, she shows him out, and hands him an envelope with a five dollar bill inside. The mailman turns and says, "I don't understand. Why did you do all of this?"
The woman says, "When I found out that it was your last day, I asked my husband if we should do something special for you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him five bucks.' Breakfast was my idea."

Funny. 

More, I can't think of any...I'll have to check my joke book.

So little billy is hanging with his friend right after Christmas morning, and Billy says "Look what I got! I got  some rollerblades, a sports watch, a gameboy, a new tv for my room and a DIRT BIKE! What did you get?" to which his friend replied "Just this new hat" so Billy said "I guess your parents don't love as much as mine" and his friend said "No. it's because I'm not dying from leukemia".

hahahahahahaha!  Nice one.

My turn:

A man calls up his house from work and a strange voice answers and says "hello"
"Who are you?" Says the man
"I'm the maid"
So the man says "We don't have a maid!"
"Well, you do know, your wife hired me today!"
So the man asks "What is my wife doing?"
The maid replies "She's in bed with her lover"
"IN BED WITH HER LOVER!??!" shouts the man
"Ok, what I want you to do, is go into the coat closet and get the shot gun and shoot my wife and her lover"
"Ok" the maid replies
She sets down the phone and the man hears two gun shots.
The maid comes back and picks up the phone
"Ok, I did it, now what?"
The man says "Take the bodies and through them in the pool"
"Sir, what pool?"

I have another one:

A boy was hiding in his parents closet one day when he sees his mother come in the room with a guy. As they are about to do it, a car pulls up and the lady rushes the man into the closet saying that her husband is home.
The little boy says to the man: Gee, it's dark in here, I think I might scream!
The man says: No, here, I'll give you 10$ 10 not scream.
The little boy repeats this: Gee, it's dark in here, I think I might scream!
The man again says: No, here, I'll give you 20$ to not scream.
The boy does it again: Gee, it's dark in here, I think I might scream!
The man again stops him: No, please stop, I'll give you 50$ to not scream.
The boy shuts up.

The next day the mother takes the boy to confession and tells the boy to tell the priest his sins.

After a minute or so, the boy says this: Gee, it's dark in here, I think I might scream!
The priest says: Let's not start that again!

Both aren't that funny, but ehh...

This is a very old one.

An old man was dying because of cancer. Today is decided to be his last day. In great sadness, his family are surrounding him in his room.
"My wife, are you there?" he asked.
His wife, sobbing and cried greatly, said, "Yes, I'm here, dear."
"Steven, my son, are you there?" he asked.
His son, Steven, trying to hold his tears, and said, "Yes, dad."
"Are you there, Stephanie?" the old man asked.
"yes, dad," answered the daughter, covered her face in tears.
Suddenly, the man wakes up in anger. He shouted,
"THEN WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF OUR SHOP??"

So this patient is at home, waiting for the results of a test. He gets a phone call and it's his friendly doctor.
He says to the doctor, 'Hello, what were the results?'
'Well, I have some good news and bad news,' tells the doctor.
'I'll go with good news,' he says, jokingly.
'You have only twenty-four hours to live.'
'What? How is that good news?!'
'Well the bad news is I was supposed to tell you yesterday...'

That's funny! 

Hmm.... I got one. I didn't get the one about the lover. Anyways...

A girl goes to the doctor and tells him, "Well, I believe every bone in my body is broken!" The doctor replies, "That can't be true." The girl says that it is so. She takes her index finger and pokes her leg. "OW!" cries the girl. The doctor asks her to poke another part of her body. The girl pokes her arm. "OW!" The doctor finally says to her, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The girl, just like the patient in ataraxy's joke, wishes to hear the good news first. She is told that all her bones in her body are not broken. The bad news is that her finger is broken. XP It was funnier when I heard it because it was blonde joke but I didn't want to be mean

what has more brains than kurt cobain?

Spoiler for:

the wall behind him XD

Hmm.... I got one. I didn't get the one about the lover. Anyways...

A girl goes to the doctor and tells him, "Well, I believe every bone in my body is broken!" The doctor replies, "That can't be true." The girl says that it is so. She takes her index finger and pokes her leg. "OW!" cries the girl. The doctor asks her to poke another part of her body. The girl pokes her arm. "OW!" The doctor finally says to her, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The girl, just like the patient in ataraxy's joke, wishes to hear the good news first. She is told that all her bones in her body are not broken. The bad news is that her finger is broken. XP It was funnier when I heard it because it was blonde joke but I didn't want to be mean

Heard it.

I forgot to put in the last part about the lover joke.

The punch line is he called the wrong house.

what has more brains than kurt cobain?

Spoiler for:

the wall behind him XD

Oooo Sooo Funny!

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Spoiler for:

Sal

Spoiler for:

Sal Who?

Spoiler for:

Salmonella

Not that funny, but ok.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Spoiler for:

Feminists can't change anything.

Here's a rather crude joke I heard quite some time ago...

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Spoiler for:

Kick his sister in the jaw.

Lol. That's pretty funny. But circumcision doesn't mean chopping off the whole gol'dang thing!

i dont know if this is really that funny to most ppl but...


whats grosser then gross

Spoiler for:

opeaning the refrigerator and the rump roast farts in your face...

Lol. I lol'd because I'm immature.

haha, that is funny.

Ok, it's not too funny:

Why does Bill Clinton where boxers?

Spoiler for why?:

For leg warmers

A boy was hiding in his parents closet one day when he sees his mother come in the room with a guy. As they are about to do it, a car pulls up and the lady rushes the man into the closet saying that her husband is home.
The little boy says to the man: Gee, it's dark in here, I think I might scream!
The man says: No, here, I'll give you 10$ 10 not scream.
The little boy repeats this: Gee, it's dark in here, I think I might scream!
The man again says: No, here, I'll give you 20$ to not scream.
The boy does it again: Gee, it's dark in here, I think I might scream!
The man again stops him: No, please stop, I'll give you 50$ to not scream.
The boy shuts up.

The next day the mother takes the boy to confession and tells the boy to tell the priest his sins.

After a minute or so, the boy says this: Gee, it's dark in here, I think I might scream!
The priest says: Let's not start that again!

That's hilarious.

I have a knock-knock joke, but I need someone to help me with it. I'll start posting it when someone agrees to help me.

An 8 year old girl is in the shower with her mom, and she asks, "Mom, what are those?"
The mother replies, "Those are breasts, honey."
The girl asks, "When will I get those?"
The mother responds, "In a few years."
The next day, the girl is in the shower with her father, and she asks, "Daddy, what is that?"
He says, "That's a penis."
The little girl is curious. "When will I get that?"
The father says, "As soon as your mom goes to work."