Oh no! Where have the elves gone?
Fear not.
I have made a thread for just the story to appear. Feel free to use this thread as a feedback, discussion, and critique thread.
This thread (http://rmrk.net/index.php/topic,48966.0.html) will be where the story will continue.
Until then.
:blizj:
"Two Star", my butt. :mad: So far, I think it deserves more than that, my friend!
As for the intro to the short story: it's lookin' good so far! There are a small bit of pesky grammar errors that mostly look like missing commas. Granted, that could just be me. I tend to use a lot of commas when writing.
Anyways, I like the way the characters and races are depicted. It's a bit cliche for elves and dwarves, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. After all, wouldn't it just get confusing if they were the opposite of what people are used to? The character dialogue is written well, which is always a huge plus!
I also respect the way Holve and Roland are contrasted (sometimes that carries over to the book, too). Using details, such as Holve's dislike for travel by ship, is always really neat! It brings the characters to life, you know?
It's here (http://rmrk.net/index.php/topic,48966.0.html) now.
Good job bluntsword!
Be careful of the commas. And also this tripped me up:
Quote from: bluntsword on March 17, 2014, 04:04:51 PM
By stark contrast, Ealrin Belouve felt ready to lose what was left of his lunch. For a man who was supposedly a sailor, he certainly felt like anything but. Ealrin thought back to the last few weeks of his life. He had been found nearly dead among the wreckage of a ship on the shores of the island of Good Harbor. After a few weeks of recovery in the only inn on the island, The Rusty Hook, Ealrin had recovered most of his health and all of his passion to find a purpose. The only thing Ealrin had not recovered was his memory.
....
Perhaps it was because when he was with Holve he felt like he had purpose. He had followed him aboard this ship with another companion, Roland, in an effort to rendezvous with the king of Thoran and inform about the goings on the other countries and people of the continent of Ruyn.
Is Ealrin informing the King on the goings on with the other countries and people of the continent? I assume so because why would a King meet people to let them know what is going on.. they would have to go to him. And if so how can a man who can't remember anything inform the king about anything? :S
Maybe this is all answered in the book. If so then I'm rambling for nothing. If not then I am totally confused. Actually either way, I am totally confused lol
Good catch Jules. Holve works for king Thoran and Ealrin is along for the ride. I'll correct that! Thanks!
Duh-duh-double post!
Fixed the bit about Ealrin having no clue what's going on and reporting to the king.
Thanks Jules!
No problem, sometimes it is just me being obtuse lol I catch myself having more and more "senior" moments. I'm glad you understood what I was saying, and I reread it. Awesome!
One other small thing I saw was this paragraph:
QuoteHe was beginning to find out that living without any idea of who he used to be allowed him to experience the world in a new way each and every day. His mind was full of questions and each new day seemed to be filled with possibilities. There were times that he wished he could recall if he had a family or friends or even someone who loved him more than that. Yet with each new dawn he was discovering new things.
"New" is in there 4 times. And maybe this just jumps out to me because it is a pet peeve of mine? I dunno, it just seems like a lot. But I honestly don't know how to fix it lol Perhaps something like: ... allowed him to experience the world anew each day. His mind was full of questions and the world seemed full of possibilities.
I dunno, maybe I'm being to persnickity lol Either way, I'm a fan *_*
You aren't persnickity, though I love that word.
And I'm glad you're a fan!
The new paragraph reads:
He was beginning to find out that living without any idea of who he used to be allowed him to experience the world anew each and every day. His mind was full of questions and each time the twin suns of Gilia would rise it seemed to Ealrin that there were wonderful possibilities. Though he at times wished he could recall if he had a family or friends or even someone who loved him more than that, with each dawn he was discovering things he hadn't known the previous one.
Perfect. ^_^
Along the same vein, there are a few places where words are repeated. I do this a lot myself in first drafts, and it makes me cringe. It just seems bijou, where we try to be pro. Know what I mean?
Every time I do it I flagellate myself with vigour for an hour per repeated word. I find it keeps me from repeating the mistake. Oh, no... *grabs the scourge*
Other than that, you had me captured!
Doh. I'll keep looking at it.
This is very first draft and I appreciate you guys catching these things!
*flogs himself*
I dunno who said it, but the best piece of advice I ever heard: "Never fall in love with your first draft."
For a first draft, it's stellar, dude!
Thanks Frank!
Ridiculously tired but I told myself I would write.
Added the first part of Chapter Two.
Enjoy! :blizj:
I LIKE THIS CHAPTER!
I was really caught up in it. You did a great job! The only thing I saw in the entire chapter was:
Quote from: bluntsword on March 17, 2014, 04:04:51 PM
[spoiler= Chapter Two: An Old Alliance]
Exhaustion wore on there faces as arrows were loosed from bows and blades wet with the blood of trolls cut through the hordes that sought to overcome the elven city.
[/spoiler]
their*
Really excited for chapter 3 ^_^
Thanks Jules! And good catch!
Ok, adding some more to Chapter Two. Not that exciting, but progress.
I absolutely LOVE your invented elven words. Beautiful work, Ron!
Thanks Frank!
I finally got Chapter 2 finished. Let me know if you see anything that needs fixing!
Just finished Chapter 3. Let me know what you think of the set up of the story so far!
Update: Chapter Four.
I'd love to hear what you think.
Cause, you know...
I would.
Sorry, been busy this week, so I'm catching up on my reading now.
[spoiler=Spoilers here :o The Good :) ]
Let me start off by saying I am not that great at grammar. As my stories show xD So when I review, I review on how well I understand what is going on, the flow of the story, and how well I can immerse myself in it. And on those points, you did fabulous. I could feel Aldor's reluctant resignation to the war, his desire to have a normal life back ;_; Poor thing. The details you add to your story are perfect and paint the picture well. Chapter four had me zooming through it just to see what happened.
[spoiler=don't read this if you haven't read Chapter 3]
Though he was an enemy of the elves, I really wanted Snarlgut to win :( [/spoiler][/spoiler]
[spoiler=The nitpicky]
These are things that I picked up on while reading.
Chapter 2Quote"Aldor," Eled said as he placed an hand on his shoulder, "No war last forever."
Wars? Or maybe no war lasts forever? Something just isn't clicking with that lol
QuoteThough Aldor longed to return to his home and embrace his wife, Imroden, whom he at the window busy preparing a meal he knew that she nor he would eat, they marched on.
Whom he saw*
QuoteHis wife was always considered the needs of others greater than her own.
Drop the was, His wife always*
QuoteEven when they passed Aldor's house, with his wife and parents inside it, they did not stop.
.. then a paragraph or so later:
QuoteThe military had been the closest thing he had known to a family since his own parents had passed away.
Huh? 0o
QuoteYet seeing so many where the colors of the army now reminded him of the difficult times they lived in.
wear*
He wondered if the fighting would ever get bad enough to, of necessity, use the young ones in battle <--- add those commas
QuoteTo join the military, one must be fifty elven years and have completed the training in the military tower.
Drop one of the the's? .. completed training in the military tower.
QuoteThe selection of the elders was a mysterious and secret tradition of the elves
I think this sentence could do without "of the elves" We know they're elves by this point. So just ...mysterious and secret tradition.
Quote"I've just been discussing with the future of Talgel."
Is that with supposed to be there?
Her eyes, that Aldor thought could look into his very being, were as blue as the bluest summer sky. <--- add those commas
Aldor was both impressed that she had been able to remember such a small encounter all those years ago, and embarrassed that he had been seen that night.<--- add a comma
Chapter 3It was what had happened earlier that day, the army Snarlgut led down to the southern peninsula to raid the elven cities retreated back to the northern mountains and woods where they had lived for generations. <--- add a comma
[/spoiler]
I have a thing with characters people tend to root for
[spoiler=if you don't want a minor spoiler.] and killing them. [/spoiler]
I really appreciate the nitpicky. I can edit my own stuff, but only to a point. Thanks for the edits!
Quote from: Ser bluntsword on April 06, 2014, 02:05:20 AM
I have a thing with characters people tend to root for
[spoiler=if you don't want a minor spoiler.] and killing them. [/spoiler]
Yeah, no kidding. I liked that troll... :mad:
*is still crying over what you did in wayward* ;_;
Quote from: Queen yuyubabe on April 06, 2014, 03:34:47 AM
*is still crying over what you did in wayward* ;_;
Quote from: Ser EvilM00s on April 06, 2014, 02:27:35 AM
Quote from: Ser bluntsword on April 06, 2014, 02:05:20 AM
I have a thing with characters people tend to root for
[spoiler=if you don't want a minor spoiler.] and killing them. [/spoiler]
Yeah, no kidding. I liked that troll... :mad:
Can't just kill the bad guys.
Ronald R. R. Martin :mad:
*maniacal laugh*
Alrighty.
I've made Baroness Von Trap's Jules' changes and finished Chapter Four.
Bon Appétit
Oh, and we're at 11,000 words.
:o
Wow I really messed up last time :o I don't know how I thought I was reading Chapters 3 & 4 lol
You really know how to weave a yarn, sir. Your descriptive skills are excellent as always, you hold me captive. I want to continue reading and to know more. And I'll be honest with you, when I first started reading, I was not expecting to like it. I have a confession, I saw Elves and trolls and thought.. oh great, another LOTR fan fiction. But it isn't at all. This is a wonderful tale! I'm a fan :ladyj:
[spoiler=the nitpicky]
QuoteWhen they were younger and before they join the military
joined?
Quote"General Galebre," interjected a short elf who was pondering the map that rested on the middle of the a table that occupied most of the room.
Aldor himself took a moment to look around the room. The circular stone room was covered in tomes and books on shelves that took up nearly the entire surface of every wall. ...Not one was being used at the moment to hold a resting body at the moment.
Lots of repeating words, threw me off a bit when reading.
Most of them, however
, if they had been able to
, fled to the protection of the more fortified cities.<--commas
QuoteOf course he had heard tales of the distant men who well naturally shorter than elves and of the dwarves who were shorter still, but Tanare had always struck Aldor as an oddity.
distant men who were*?
QuoteThe commander uniform he wore: a purple shirt underneath a plate of metal armor that cover his chest and white breeches seemed immaculate.
metal armor that covered*
QuoteAldor looked ahead of him now. He was certain that just beyond his seeing, which of course was quite far for an elf, that there was an expanse of grass without a single tree on it.
that that again lol xD
QuoteThey house her parents called home was directly beside their own.
The*
Every elf their age
, as well as a few older and younger
, envied their love, for as much as Eled defied what was typical amongst the elven race with his pranks and antics, Aldor and Imroden showed their love more publicly and beautifully than any other couple in Talgel. <--commas
[/spoiler]
Ps. I hope you don't mind my being nitpicky >_< I'm honestly just trying to help out. And maybe save you a bit of money hiring an editor lol xD
I greatly appreciate your nitpickiness!
And I'm glad you like the story too Jules. It means a lot that you're enjoying something you didn't think you'd like at first.
Truly.
:)
I have two chapters left of Winter's Tale, and Wayward has been bumped to the top of my reading list ^_^
I'm very excited for you to meet my favorite goblin: Stinkrunt. 8)
I think I may be editing this post around a bit. Just heads up for all you faithful readers (all 4 of you :P).
Alrighty, just made the change. This is the elves discussion thread now. The actual story will be here (http://rmrk.net/index.php/topic,48966.0.html) for you to enjoy.
Chapter Five (http://rmrk.net/index.php/topic,48966.0.html) is finished.
Don't cry.
Edit: Also there is now Chapter Six. Which is more troll goodness.
Oh man, I am so far behind! I'll try to get to this next week too. So much reading! *_*
Quote from: Baroness Jules on April 17, 2014, 11:59:14 AM
Oh man, I am so far behind! I'll try to get to this next week too. So much reading! *_*
Lol. I've even waking up early to write. Which would explain the nine chapters that are ready to read. :P
Exciting news!
The Elves of Talge is now published!
Grab your copy here (http://www.retrovertbooks.com/the-elves-of-talgel.html)!
And please be kind, leave an honest review.
Late response ;9
Daaaaaaang, man. You're a machine! B) Will have to take a look sometime~ Still trying to catch up on the other one ;_;
I forgive you for your tardiness.
An apology in the form of an honest review of anything I write is also acceptable!