[Writing] poems i wrote, lemme know what you think

[thechromeninja]

This first one is a sonnet in iambic pentameter (pre-divorce):

This ethereal person, I declaim,
Is the angel of my interior,
And the Mephistophelian young dame
Who has ensnared my heart behind locked door.
This damsel is quite a phenomenon,
Her yearning hesitant heart ravages my
Soul but, she also is like my bright sun,
Whose shining rays amiss, I would soon die.
How can my beauideal, also the
Destroyer and Restorer of my world,
Change my whole life by just smiling at me?
My eyes are blind to all except this girl.

Truth told, no line of mine is ersatz sound.
Thoughts voiced, I swear my love to her unbound.

This next one is free verse (post-divorce):

Play him a morbid psalmody, a death song,
To pay your debt to nature and end a life of long
Suffering. There is not but to sink into the grave,
No need for a struggle or to be strong or brave.
Release all anguish. No reason not to embrace
Azrael. Run, and kiss this saving angel's face,
This champion of cessation. Show no fear, gather
To your fathers, unwind, release, leave this rather
Lonely plane. Give in, embrace the king of terrors,
Only he can severe your heavy, mortal tethers.



So lemme know what you think of my work.

[Holkeye]

It's like you looked up a bunch of random big words and tried to put them together to make sense, but it didn't work out right. I can tell because you spelled "ethereal" wrong. Also, your stanzas are awkward and disjointed.

[Lazer Ki]

I pretty much agree with Holk. I could hardly even understand anything in the poem. And yeah, you spelled etheral wrong.

[thechromeninja]

ty for letting me know i misspelled a word. i changed it.
also though...
Insert Quote
It's like you looked up a bunch of random big words and tried to put them together to make sense, but it didn't work out right. I can tell because you spelled "ethereal" wrong. Also, your stanzas are awkward and disjointed.

do the big words scare you holk? or are you just angry because you and i both know that being a super moderator doesn't mean your intelligent...it just makes people think you are...?

[modern algebra]

I locked this thread, as I can hear the opinionless bandwagon on their way.

@thechromeninja - I apologize for severing any additional possibility for useful feedback, but I doubt that any would have come. I suggest you find a creative writing forum if you want some feedback on these poems. My own opinion is that the poems are decent and better than a lot of stuff in the Librarium, but I do find that the rhythm is disrupted rather frequently without any readily perceptible reason. Also, I found some of the word choice to be poor. "declaim", for instance, generally refers to rhetorical declaration; proclaim would be better. "Mephistophelian" screws the rhythm up completely. Other words seem remarkably unromantic for a romantic poem, such as "phenomenon" and "ersatz" (I don't even understand what that line means).

[Holkeye]

do the big words scare you holk? or are you just angry because you and i both know that being a super moderator doesn't mean your intelligent...it just makes people think you are...?

Do the big words scare you, Holk, or are you just angry because you and I both know that being a super moderator doesn't mean you're intelligent? It just makes people think you are.

I went ahead and took the liberty of checking and correcting your spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors.

[Zylos]

I take several writing classes and, to be honest, this isn't good. Sorry.

[Redwyn]

To be honest I like the premise of it, but not the way he put it in stanza, it doesn't flow right to me when I read it in lines. Try to space it out while keeping in mind how something other than you perceives it.

Otherwise, I also dislike his attitude :\