Joshua sat on the bare floor in the darkness of his kitchen, with his back against his refrigerator and his fluffy white tail curled around his front so that he had something to hold tight to chest and bury his muzzle into. A heavy gray rain poured loudly outside the nearby window, seemingly mocking the fountain of tears that flowed freely from his trembling blue eyes. A pair of triangular fox ears, though normally like two erect pyramids atop his head, were now pressed back flat against his skull in crushed defeat. His knees were drawn up close to his chest, the claws of his bare foot paws scratching gently at the cold tiles below them.
The soft, sad sound of a violin could be heard coming from the second floor of the house next door. Though it was obvious that Josh’s neighbor was simply trying to perfect his music practice, it almost ironically seemed as though he were trying to provide a musical score to the moment. The music fit perfectly in tune with the pain that wretched its way through Josh's body; no, more like it fit perfectly with the emptiness that echoed inside his heart.
The phone on the far wall across from him began to ring. It had been ringing every five minutes prior, but like all of the other calls before it, Josh couldn't and wouldn’t budge a single muscle in an attempt to go and pick it up before the answering machine kicked on. There was no phone call on Earth possibly worth getting up from his spot to answer. Even if it had been Publisher’s Clearing House calling to inform him that he had just won some Grand Sweepstakes or something, he still would not have moved.
The phone rang exactly four times before the answering machine finally clicked on.
'Hello? …ha-ha, I’m just kidding, I’m not really here. This is just a recording. If you haven’t already guessed by now, you’ve reached the residence of Josh Pitman and Kenji Landers. Please leave your name, number, and a very short message at the tone, and I’ll try to get back to you as soon as I feel like it.'
BEEEEEEEP. “Josh, its Ethan. If you’re there, please pick up. I… I know you’re probably really upset with me right now, but… please, I want to talk to you. I’m—” Click.
The old-fashioned answering machine had a glitch somewhere in it where it only recorded a part of the message, and Josh didn’t have enough time or money to get a new one. At that moment, however, Josh could have cared less about it. He wanted nothing more than to have the machine break down completely and not record any message at all; especially if it was a message that was left by Ethan: his former roommate, an avid musician, and a person whom Josh had until that very evening considered as something more than just a friend.
*****
Things are easiest to explain when one starts at the beginning. To begin with, Joshua Pitman was an arctic fox with snowy white fur, deep blue eyes, and a dream-like view of romance. He stood at only 5'9” (not including ears) and was usually an overly energetic person, albeit extremely shy when it came to talking to anyone he deemed as cute. He loved to draw comics and tell jokes, and always tried to be the best person that he could. All in all, he was a nice person with only one downfall: he was a hopeless romantic and an extremely closeted homosexual. It was his dream to someday find the perfect companion and do nothing but dance with him from dusk to dawn, with his head buried softly into his partner's chest. But every day that passed by that he realized he still hadn't even come close to accomplishing this dream yet felt like a petal falling from the withering rose in his heart.
Only a little less than a year ago, Josh had graduated from Redfield University with an art degree. He had wanted to be a professional comic artist, but as he quickly found out, being a comic artist didn't pay much at all unless their work was really good. The first thing he made sure to do after graduating was to find a good, cheap little house to live in while he attempted to reorganize and build his future. But, like almost all fresh-out-of-school college graduates, Josh couldn’t afford to pay the rent all on his own. So, about eight months ago, he put out an ad in the local newspaper and found himself two roommates to help pay the rent.
The first roommate was a guy named Kenji Landers, a 5’11” kangaroo with tawny gold fur and a thick brown tail that he had a constant bad habit of accidentally hitting people with whenever he turned around a corner. He didn't really have a solid job as far as Josh knew, but between the money Kenji got from his parents and the money he made on various deals made over the internet, he always had enough to pay both his share of the rent and have some subtle frivolities. He tended to be a bit of an oddball oftentimes, and was most often seen working away on some mystery project on his computer. Still, he was a nice person who tried his best to help out when needed, and was an excellent cook to boot.
Josh's other roommate was Ethan Golbez, a 6’1” husky with storm-cloud gray fur and emerald green eyes. He was a mixed breed, having a husky for a mother and a wolf for a father, but almost no one ever seemed to notice the differing traits; they either assumed he was one or the other. He worked every weekday at a music company just outside of town, and was usually the one who brought in most of their extra luxuries, including a humungous flat screen TV and stereo system. He was also your regular athletic jock who worked out at the local gym at a few times a week. He wasn't overly buff or anything, but he could easily have broken Josh in half if he wanted to. Yet, despite his size and muscles, he was actually a giant softie at heart. He was mostly a quiet person seen walking around with his chin down and his paws in his pockets, but he once you got him opened up and talking, there was always bound to be a laugh and a good time in store. Perhaps it was this “shy teddy bear” aspect of him that made Josh feel so attracted to him in the first place...
Josh, Ethan, and Kenji were all great friends, and they worked extremely well together. Josh took care of most of the cleaning and daily needs, Ethan took care of most of the house problems and “home improvements” (such as fixing the sink when a pipe breaks, or climbing on the roof to check what's wrong with the satellite), and Kenji took care most of the groceries, meals, and the general food situation. Between the three of them, they created a nearly perfect home that was both beautiful and convenient, yet cheap enough to hold even with what little money they made.
And then the phone rang again, its electronic melody a piercing disturbance to the quiet atmosphere that had for but a brief moment allowed Josh’s mind to slowly drift away from the painful present. Neither the patter-patter of the rain or the gentle flow of the violin music from the house next door could drown out the horrible tone until the answering machine finally clicked on.
BEEEEEEEP. “Josh, please, pick up. I need to talk to you. I know you’re there; the old lioness across your street says that your car is still in the driveway. Please Josh, just pick—” Click.
*****
A few weeks back, Ethan had found a new apartment across town that was closer to the music company where he worked at. Josh had tried his best to persuade him to stay, saying things like they were all great friends and that they worked great together to create a wonderful place despite having virtually no money. But, since Josh couldn’t bring himself to explain the real reason why he wanted Ethan to stay, his argument had fallen just short of its goal and Ethan moved away to his new apartment.
For three weeks after that, Josh had fallen into a mild depression. He didn't draw as often, and what seldom jokes he told to people always seemed a bit forced and out of place. Kenji had put out another ad in the paper for a new roommate since Josh was too indisposed to do so, but the few applicants who actually responded to the ad weren’t the type of people either Kenji or Josh wanted in there (either because they would never be able to keep up their share of the rent, or because they were the filthiest drug junkies in the neighborhood). So the two of them went without a third roommate for the time being, at least until someone suitable replied to their ad.
Then, earlier that very day, Josh received a phone call from Ethan. “Hey Josh,” Ethan had said, “Long time no hear.”
“Ethan! How've you been?” Josh asked excitedly.
“I'm good, I'm good...” Ethan replied distractedly. “Well, things could be better for me, but, um, I'll talk about that with you later.” He whispered the last part, giving Josh the feeling that there was someone else in the room with Ethan, thus making Ethan feel uncomfortable about talking about what was wrong. “Anyways... hey listen, the music company I work at is holding this fancy party over at the Halbrind Hotel tonight to celebrate their 10th anniversary, and I was wondering if you and Kenji wanted to come along or not...”
Josh's heart stopped for a split second as his brain comprehended the proposal. “Y-you're inviting us to come too? That sounds awesome! Um, hold on one second, let me just ask Kenji first.”
He quickly bounded off to Kenji's room, and within a few moments he returned with happy news (well, at least it was happy news to Josh). “Kenji says he can't make it tonight due to some work he needs to do,” he started, nervous about what he going to say next. “But, you know that I'm still free. Mind if it's just me and you instead?”
Ethan chuckled on the other end, and Josh couldn't help but start a light wag to his tail as he held his breath. “Sure then, I guess that still works,” Ethan said happily. “You'll have to get dressed and ready, like, NOW though. The party starts at six, and it's about 5 o' clock right now. The party ends at midnight, but we can leave anytime you want really, since I'm pretty sure you have work tomorrow. Oh, and it's also a rather formal party, so you'll have to make sure that you put on something nice.”
“Alright then, it's a date,” Josh said excitedly, only realizing how it sounded after he had already said it. He hadn't really meant it as a date or anything; it was just a figure of speech he had grown used to using, and he prayed that Ethan wouldn't think anything else of it.
“I'll meet you outside the hotel entrance in an hour then. See you later!” Click.
Josh hung up the phone with a goofy smile plastered on his face and sighed like the love struck puppy that he was. Ethan had just invited Josh to come to fancy party at a luxurious hotel with him. It was like a miracle, a phone call from heaven! 'Who knows what could happen at the party?', he thought to himself. 'Maybe if I'm lucky tonight and I play my cards right, I can convince him to move back in with us, or maybe even... nah, don't go there Joshua. One step at a time, and the first step is to ask Ethan to come back.'
Pulsing with newfound energy, Josh rushed to put on a nice, long-sleeved white polo and khaki dress pants that matched perfectly with his snow white fur. He checked quickly in the mirror to make sure that he looked okay. In the reflection, a short white fox in a nicely pressed white polo and golden tan pants happily stared back at him. A long, fluffy tail wrapped involuntarily around his leg as he shyly stood before the mirror, and two black spots marked the sides of his muzzle and the tips of his ears in a way that most people described to him as cute looking (usually after which he would blush a bright pink). He didn't really think as beautiful or attractive, but even in his modesty he couldn't deny that the fox in the mirror looked fairly handsome. Satisfied that he looked reasonably presentable for a formal party, he quickly rushed outside to his car and drove out to the Halbrind Hotel without any concern for stop signs or speed limits. This was possibly his only chance to make his dreams come true, and he wasn't going to miss it for the world.
Then, the phone rang yet again, painfully reminding him yet again that no miracle had occurred that night, that his dream had still not come true. In fact, the very opposite had happened in its stead.
BEEEEEEEP. “Please, Josh, please, pick up the phone… I’m so, so sorry… I… I just didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t... if there’s anything I could have—” Click.
*****
The party was being held at a luxurious hotel near the edge of town. When Josh arrived at the building, he found Ethan waiting for him by the main entrance in a dark gray suit that seemed to bring out the lightness in his fur. Ethan smiled and quickly led him inside, checking the two of them in with some security guards by flashing an invitation card, and proceeded to pull Josh into a gigantic ballroom that instantly took Josh’s breath away.
The room was huge! Elegant crystal chandeliers hung from a marble ceiling painted with heavenly clouds and cherubs, while several large golden pillars scattered along the walls acted like Atlas and held the skies above at bay. There were dozens of round tables with beautiful bouquets of flowers, fine crystal wine glasses, and overly smooth silk table cloths. A humongous buffet table was set up off to one side of the room with almost every type of food imaginable on it to cater to any creature’s appetite, whether they be carnivore or herbivore (not to mention the several bowls of fruit punch with enough alcohol in them to make even the bravest men pass out after only a few cups). On the other side of the room was a slightly elevated wooden stage, in which a pianist sat at a grand piano and played various songs upon request from the people who sat nearby. And in the middle of the room was a small, circular clearing where several people danced to whatever happened to be playing at the time.
The gentle sound of the piano floated through the atmosphere with a melody that faintly resembled a mixture of Greensleeves and Scarborough Fair, sending a strange but soothing tingle up Josh’s spine. The party was much more formal than Josh had imagined it would be (considering that Ethan’s music company mostly produced rock and heavy metal music), and he felt somewhat out of place wearing only a simple white shirt. Almost every man there had a full dress suit with tie and jacket (if not their finest tuxedos), and almost all of the ladies wore stunning gowns in almost every color of the spectrum.
There were creatures of nearly every species there at the party. A tiger couple tangoed in the middle of the dance floor, having too much fun to care if it was the right music for a tango. In one corner, an old gray lion shouted loudly at some poor young cheetah who had accidentally stepped on the lion’s tail, giving raise to a boast of laughter from a nearby hyena. A bunch of snow leopards kits sat at a table throwing food at each other, whilst an extremely agitated mother franticly tried to get them to stop without causing too much of a commotion. At a nearby table, a silver fox with a white suit and brightly dyed purple hair sat smiling dreamily at another arctic fox wearing a black tuxedo, who stuck his tongue out between his teeth as though in retaliation to some silly comment. The pianist, a husky with pale white fur and neck-length hair as yellow as corn, sat chatting with a gray wolf and a tawny raccoon about the next song they wanted on the queue list. Near the bowl of fruit punch, a pair of otters could be seen laughing at a joke with a behemoth of a bear (who turned out to be the president of the company, hence why the otters made no comment as the bear constantly refilled his cup several times over). Had they not been on solid ground inside a building, Josh might have wondered if he had accidentally stumbled into Noah’s Ark.
Ethan dragged Josh along to grab some food from the buffet before going to sit down at a vacant table. For a short while they ate their food in silence, Ethan being naturally quiet and Josh simply being too nervous to speak, before Josh finally cleared his throat and said, “So! What’s new? Is your new apartment working out for you?”
“Oh, it's good, I guess. Not really as nice as your place though,” Ethan said, scratching the back of his neck as though feeling a little guilty for leaving the hospitality of Josh's place. “I live with three other cool guys, and the rent is cheap, but, well, let's just say that two of my roomies are less than courteous.”
“Oh? How so?” Josh said, wondering if he might be able to pull any strings with it.
“Well, for one, they are pretty heavy drinkers and smokers,” Ethan said with a grimace. “There's ashtrays and empty vodka bottles all over the damn place, and there isn't a single room in our apartment that doesn't smell like a bad pub that hasn't been cleaned in weeks. You see this suit I'm wearing? I had to put it on straight at the dry cleaning place right before coming here just so that it didn't smell like cigarettes.”
Moments later, they were talking nonstop about all that had happened in the three weeks they had been apart. They talked about how Ethan’s new place was the slums in quality compared to Josh's place, about how a hot new vixen moved in next door to Josh's place one week after Ethan left, and about how Josh and Kenji were having a problem of finding a new roommate that wasn’t either a street bum or a drug dealer. When it finally seemed the right moment in the conversation for it, Josh took a deep breath and readied himself to ask Ethan if he possibly might like to move back in with him. Unfortunately, Josh had barely even opened his mouth when Ethan spotted a pair of black panthers approaching their table. One was a tall, bulky looking guy who wore a black tuxedo that almost completely blended in with his fur; the other was a slender female panther in a beautiful, glittering purple gown that seemed to hypnotize anyone who stared at it for too long. Ethan smiled and stood to introduce them.
“Josh, I’d like you to meet my immediate supervisor and eternal partner in rhyme, Angelo Lamardo, and his lovely wife, Maria.” Josh quickly stood and shook paws with the pair of them, politely smiling to hide his annoyance at being interrupted while Ethan waved for them to sit. “Angelo, this is my old roommate, Joshua Pitman. He’s a comic artist.”
“Glad to meet you. A comic artist, eh?” Angelo said while firmly grasping his paw.
“Yes. Well, right now I’m just a part-time technician at the local computer store. You know, the guy that everyone brings their busted laptops to when they accidentally drop it down a flight of stairs or something. But yeah, someday I hope to get some of my works published.”
“Really?” Maria said with enthusiasm. “My brother draws comics for the local newspaper. Maybe he can find a spot for you in the funnies.” Josh smiled at the thought of it. A newspaper comic wasn't exactly what he had in mind, but it'd definitely be a good start if his comics made it in there. The four of them then talked and laughed for the longest amount of time, making it sadly impossible for Josh to get a chance to talk Ethan alone.
*****
The party wasn’t going to end until midnight, but a number of people seemed to have already left by 9:30 PM. Most people probably had business to attend to in the morning, or perhaps they just wanted to get out before the thunderstorm that the weatherman predicted rolled in. Unfortunately, Angelo and Maria weren’t of the number that wanted to leave early, and it seemed to Josh as though they weren’t going to leave him and Ethan alone until the very end of the party. So, Josh sighed and bucked up his courage to just ask Ethan if he’d like to move back, despite the presence of other people.
“Um, Ethan? There’s something I wanted to ask you…”
Ethan, who had apparently been laughing at some joke Angelo had told, turned to look at him with curiosity. “Hm? What is it?” Ethan asked, unknowingly making it more difficult for Josh to speak by staring straight into his eyes. God Josh loved those emerald eyes, but right now they were doing more to hinder Josh from asking than to help.
“Well, I wanted to know if…” Josh started to say, but he stopped suddenly when he noticed the enchanting piano music that was being played.
Fate had an interesting sense of irony: the song that was playing was the piano version of “My Heart Will Go On”, the theme song from the movie “The Titanic”. It was his absolute favorite love song of all time. The dance floor was filled with several couples swaying in circles to the slow rhythm of the song, just as he had always dreamed of someday doing himself. The song simply enchanted him, and the sight of the happy couples dancing just made his heart long even more for someone to share a life with.
“I wanted to know if… you would…” he started to say again, but the words he wanted just couldn’t come out. Between Ethan’s bright green eyes staring right into his own, and the almost intoxicating sweet music, he couldn’t think straight. Ethan couldn’t help but smile at Josh’s nervousness. “What is it?” he said again, wagging his canine tail behind him in mild bemusement.
The smile didn’t make things any easier for Josh. For some reason, he couldn’t shake the thought of a smiling Ethan holding him in his arms, dancing slowly around in circles as the crowd around them breaks into a loud applause. It kept running through his mind like a looped movie, even though he knew it was a dream that he couldn’t turn into a reality like that. Josh shook his head to rid himself of his daydreams, took a deep breath, and prepared himself to just ask Ethan to move back in with him once and for all, no matter how embarrassing it would make him feel.
“W-would you… like to… dance with me?”
It took Josh only two seconds to realize that he had just made the single greatest Freudian slip of the tongue in his whole life. The smile instantly vanished from Ethan’s muzzle and his eyes grew wide. The room suddenly seemed to go silent (even though in truth it was only their table that had stopped talking, and the rest of the room was still as loud as ever). A few of the people who had been “accidentally” listening in to the conversation turned slightly to briefly look at them and whisper. Angelo, who had been mid-sip of a glass of wine, suddenly spat it back into the glass and said, “Say what?”
Ethan's eyes trembled, but Josh couldn't tell why. Was that fear in his eyes, or was it anger? Either way, it suddenly didn't look good for Josh. He shrank back in fear as the room around him seemed to twirl around him. No one said anything at their table, until Ethan then slowly opened his mouth, and told Josh his answer...
*****
Josh tried hard to suppress the exact memories of what happened after that, but the words Ethan had said to him kept echoing through his head like a repeating record player, sounding its cold voice through a tunnel. “What are you, one of those fucking queers?” one of the voices said to him. “I thought you were my friend...” echoed another. “You’re the worst type of fucking scum on the face of the planet.”
He wasn’t sure how he managed to drive back home in one piece, or how he came to be slumped like a lifeless doll up against the refrigerator in the darkness of his lonely kitchen, crying both his eyes and his heart out. He didn’t know what he was doing or what he was thinking; all he knew is that the one single person he had been attracted to, the one single person in his entire life that he had fallen in love with, had not only rejected him but had verbally beaten him to a pulp. Between the tears that had clouded his eyes and the sudden outbreak of rain, it had been a miracle that Josh hadn’t swerved and crashed along the roadside somewhere. ‘Then again’, Josh later thought, ‘Maybe it would have been better if I had.’
The phone rang yet again on the wall opposite him. When it had rung the first time after he had arrived home, he had thought to rip the phone off the wall, or smash the answering machine, or possibly just grab one of the nearby kitchen knives and end all of his pains all at once. It seemed like a good idea; but, it just wasn’t worth the effort of getting up from where he had fallen. Nothing was worth it. So, he let the phone ring and tried his best to just ignore the sound.
Suddenly, the front door of the house sprang noisily open, and Josh heard the footsteps of someone making a mad dash to the phone (along with a small crash of a thick marsupial tail banging against the wall as its owner rounded a corner). The phone had just started to ring for the fourth time when the out-of-breath kangaroo finally picked it up.
“H-Hello?” Kenji asked with a wheeze. “Ah, Ethan… … …yes, of course I’m at the house now. Think about what number you're calling for just a second… … …no, I don’t think so… … …well, his car’s in the driveway, and the front door was unlocked, but all of the lights were off, and I don’t see him anywhe—”
And then he turned and saw the outline of the pathetic figure huddled in the shadow of the refrigerator. “Uh, can I call you back?” he said with uncertainty in his voice. There was a small click as the phone was quietly put back, and then nothing but silence.
For a moment, no one moved or made a sound. Then without warning, Kenji strode over to the light switch, and the small dim light over the kitchen sink came on, showering just enough light into the room to reveal Josh’s hiding place.
Kenji quietly sat down against the refrigerator next to Josh (after making sure not to squash his bulky tail beneath him) and stared off at the phone on the opposite wall. “Ethan called me up on my cell phone and told me what happened at the party.” Kenji paused for a moment before turning to look at Josh. “Wanna talk about it?”
Josh looked over at him with the corner of his teary eye, but remained motionless.
“I don’t think that was the wisest way for you to come out of the closet, bud,” Kenji said with a sigh. “I’ll grant you that it was pretty brave of you doing it in a public place like that, but it’d probably have been better if you had simply waited until after the party to talk to him. That way, you could have avoided this present situation altogether, dontcha think?”
Josh turned his head and looked at Kenji (who despite the seriousness of the situation had a smile plastered on his muzzle). “I… I just wanted to ask him… to move back in with us, but… I… I made a mistake… a slip of the tongue... and he… he said… that I was a…” Josh sobbed.
Kenji wrapped his arm around Josh and pulled him to his shoulder. “Shh… I already know what he said. I’ve already chastised him harshly for saying the horrible things that he did to you, and you have no idea how many times he told me that he was sorry for it. He was crying over the phone as badly as you are now.”
“I-it doesn’t really matter if… if he’s sorry or not… it doesn’t change what he said. It doesn't change... how he feels... about me.”
“Josh, Josh, Josh. You have to understand, bud. You put him on the spot not only in front of a bunch of possibly homophobic people, but in front of a bunch of his friends. They would never let him forget this if he had been lenient on you, or if (god forbid) he had actually agreed to dance with you. By the way, did I ever tell you that Ethan is a bisexual?”
For the first time in almost a solid hour, Josh stopped crying and looked up at Kenji with a look of bewilderment on his face.
“Yup,” Kenji continued. “Found out when I borrowed his laptop one time and accidentally stumbled on his porn collection. Turns out that he’s even deeper in the closet than you were, so, I can pretty much guarantee you that all of the ill comments he said about you was him simply trying to prove to his friends and co-workers that he wasn’t gay. Mind you, I think he did go WAY overboard with how he handled it, but… can you really blame him?”
Josh stared at Kenji’s face for a moment, trying to figure out whether he was telling the truth or just making things up to try to cheer him up. He then looked back down at the floor again. “But, he… he still chose to say those horrible things about me… right to my face… rather than risk—”
“Ok, now you’re just plain grasping at straws for a reason to be miserable,” Kenji interrupted, firmly shaking his shoulder a little bit. “He got scared and he made a mistake. So what? He’s not perfect, and I’m willing to bet my own tail that you won’t find anyone on this planet that is. Life’s not a perfect little fairy tale, but just because it isn't how you dreamt it to be doesn't mean that it's some tragic soap opera either. You're taking this all way too seriously. You just gotta look at the bright side of life and shrug off the not-so-bright side. Learn to laugh at life a little, even when you don't really see a good reason to be laughing for.”
Josh fell silent, not sure what to think or feel, until the sound of a car pulling into the driveway broke the silence. “That’s probably him now,” Kenji said softly, pulling himself back to his feet. “Now then, you are going to get up to go talk to him, you are going to listen to his apology for his actions, and then you are going to give an apology of your own. Got it?”
And before Josh even had a chance to open his mouth, the front door opened again and someone hesitantly came into the living room. Kenji left the kitchen and went to go greet the visitor, leaving Josh to decide whether to get up or not on his own. For a moment, Josh did nothing. He didn't move, he didn't cry, he didn't think. He just sat and listened. He heard the sound of the rain outside and the ticking of a distant wall clock; he heard the sound of his hardened breathing and of his unsteady heartbeat; and most frightening of all, he heard the creaking of the living room floorboards and the hushed whispers he decided that he could not avoid.
Gathering up the last of his energy, he shakily pushed himself to his feet, using the refrigerator to try and steady himself. His legs wobbled unsteadily beneath him as he tried to regain his balance, and it took him a few moments to compose himself enough to stand without feeling as though he was going to fall back down again. Then, he took a deep breath and slowly made his way to the living room, grasping everything and anything he could for support so that he didn't crumble back to a heap on the floor from lack of strength.
When he finally entered the living room, he felt his heart pace quicken. In the darkness of the room, Josh saw two whispering figures huddled together on the couch, one firmly grasping the other by his shoulder. They turned and saw Josh standing in the doorway, vaguely outlined by the dim light coming from the kitchen. Then, one of the figures slowly stood up and approached Josh. They stopped a few feet away, clearly hesitant and unsure of what to do. Without warning, the other figure flicked a nearby wall switch and showered the room in light. Josh blinked for a second, and slowly focused his eyes on the person before him.
Sure enough, it was Ethan. He was still dressed in his formal gray suit, but it now bore numerous wrinkles and wet blotches where tears had apparently fallen. He slouched guiltily in front of Josh, his body uncontrollably shivering nervously. Trails of tears marked his facial fur from where he had been crying, and a small patch of dried blood lay matted in his forehead fur, as though he had possibly banged his head against a fall in his grief. His emerald eyes quivered, trying hard to fight back the rain of tears that wanted to be free, and his ears were pressed back so deep on his head that someone might have thought that he had no ears at all.
“Josh... I…” Ethan started, but like Josh had only a little more than an hour earlier, he couldn’t find the words he wanted to say. So, without warning, he pulled Josh into a tight hug and soaked Josh’s shoulder with tears no longer able to stay welled up in his eyes. “My God, I’m so sorry, Josh…” Ethan sobbed into Josh. “I just… I was so afraid. I didn’t know what to do…”
Josh couldn't move. He didn't know what to do, or what to think. The sensation of having someone so close, to have someone hold him that way, was like nothing he had ever known. It frightened him, yet at the same time it made him feel more safe than he had ever felt before. Almost subconsciously, Josh slowly wrapped his arms around the crying canine in front of him and gently returned the hug.
“Ethan...” he slowly said, barely able to hold back his tears again. “You really hurt me back there...”
Ethan pressed his head harder into Josh's shoulder as his worst fears were confirmed. He had been hoping that he hadn't really hurt Josh, but the plain truth was that he did. “I'm so sorry...” he cried, his voice cracking from the effort. “I-I didn't really mean any of the things I said… it's just… I was scared that people would find out about me... find out who I really am. It's a s-secret that I've kept hidden so long… and I… I just couldn't cope with the thought of people knowing…”
Josh already knew what that secret was, but he knew that he had to press on. “What secret, Ethan? What was so important that you would cause me so much pain and break my heart so badly?”
Ethan hesitantly pulled himself off of Josh's shoulder and looked him in the eyes. His still streaming eyes seemed almost as hurt as Josh's eyes had been only moments prior, but Josh needed to know the truth. “D-Didn't Kenji a-already tell you?” he stammered, clearly not wanting to talk about it. But Josh merely shook his head, and pressed on. “I want to hear it from you, Ethan. I want to hear the truth from your lips.”
Ethan had guarded this secret so much that his self-defense mechanism had crushed Josh's feelings in order to protect it. Josh felt that unless Ethan finally let go of that secret, he would not be truly sorry for what he had done. Ethan looked down at the floor for a moment and said nothing. “Ethan?” Josh asked, worried that he might have pushed him too far. Ethan then picked his head up and stared into Josh's eyes again, no longer crying.
“Josh... I...” he began with a cracking voice. He took a deep breath, gave out a sigh, and then firmly said, “I think I love you.”
Josh's heart stopped for a moment. That hadn't the answer he had been expecting! Kenji (whom both Josh and Ethan had nearly forgotten about) suddenly sat up straight on the couch, clearly surprised by the answer almost as much as Josh was. Ethan forced himself to continue. “I'm a bisexual, Josh, and in the eight months that we lived together, I think I fell in love with you. But... but I couldn't act on my feelings, because I wasn't really sure if you were too, or... or if you reciprocated the feelings that I felt for you. I was raised in a religious homophobic community, and had been constantly told that it was wrong, that it was a sin against God and so forth, so... so, I kept my sexuality under extremely close wraps. I... I was terrified that someone would learn my secret, and... and even now, in a new town where being gay isn't as big of a deal, I'm still so afraid of letting anyone know...”
Ethan was crying his heart out again, perhaps even harder than he had been before. He had just put his deepest, most hated secret out into words for all to hear. Josh felt Ethan's legs shake beneath him, so he quickly led him to the couch where Kenji was sitting, and gently sat both of them down into a seat before Ethan's strength gave out. He leaned against the back of the couch and let his head hang back, letting his salty tears flow silently down the sides of his face. Josh pressed his head into Ethan's shoulder and rubbed his soft chest gently with a paw.
“Ethan...” Josh began, no longer afraid of what he may say. “I've loved you since the first day you walked in the door. You were just... perfect. You were kind, sweet, shy, and quite possibly the most beautiful husky I've ever met. But, like you, I was afraid because I didn't know how you would react. I thought that, if I confessed my feelings for you, and you turned out to be a homophobic straight person or something, I thought you might reject me, run off, and never speak to me again or something like that. You are the first person I had ever actually had strong feelings for, and I couldn't think of a world without you, even if you were straight and uninterested in me. I suppose that's one of the hard parts of being gay; you can almost never tell who is available for you and who isn't.”
And then Josh nudged Ethan's chin with his nose and made him look Josh in the eye. “I should have come out to you a lot sooner. I'm so sorry that I put you on the spot like that in front of your friends. I... I didn't mean to... I... I just wanted to...” Josh said, starting to cry once more. He rested his head on Ethan's chest, letting the tears fall out onto the wrinkled gray suit. Ethan, not sure what to do, wrapped his arms around him and rested his head on top of Josh's.
“I love you, Josh,” Ethan repeated, rocking Josh gently in his arms.
The fox smiled despite his tears and said, “I love you too, Ethan.”
And the two of them fell quiet, simply cuddled together on the couch in silence as they listened to the gentle rhythm of the rain. All that needed to be said that evening had already been said, and despite the confusion and fear that they still held in their hearts, they felt safe just where they were in each others arms. Josh’s heart, which to now had been flailing around searching for another heart to latch on to, had finally found itself a home where it felt at peace. Neither Josh nor Ethan had enough energy to get up, but even if they did, they probably wouldn't have wanted to. They simply wanted to stay there together for eternity. A blissful eternity.
Less than an hour or so ago, Josh had felt so miserable that he had wanted to end his life in order to end his pain. But now, he realized that the entire experience had been a lesson for him. ‘Things happen in life that I may not like’, Josh thought to himself. “But if I’m too busy grieving over what’s passed, I’ll never see the happiness that lies ahead. Life's not kind, but if you keep strong you will reap the benefits.’
Josh pressed tight to Ethan with a smile and wondered what the new dawn would bring…
Discord
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