GHOST NATIVE
The pilot
NARRATOR: When Dallas moved to Dakota, Wisconsin and took a position as the local sheriff, he had no idea that his office was built on an Indian burial ground…
DALLAS: Whoa, did you know my office is built on an Indian burial ground? I had no idea!
NARRATOR: Then he made an even more startling discovery. He was gay! And even more startling, he could see ghosts!
DALLAS: Holy Shit! You’re a fucking ghost!
G. NATIVE:: Fucking Casino Dan killed me
NARRATOR: Life would be simple in the forest except for Casino Dan. And his life would be simple except for… GHOST NATIVE!
CUE THEME MUSIC
(crazy guitar riffs set to someone screaming GHOST NATIVE over and over again, with stock footage of native Americans dancing)
SHOW DISCLAIMER:
No natives were filmed during the making of this episode.
ACT I
It’s a small diner. Dimly lit, it has a sexy feel. If the lights would be brighter, it would not be as sexy.
GIRL: There’s something about this place.. I can’t quite put my finger on it… but it’s sexy.
DALLAS: I agree. (He leans over, and as they stare at each other, he extends his tongue and licks her eyebrow. Finally, he puckers up and clamps his lips over her eye, slowly massaging the moist gooeyness with his tongue..)
GIRL: OW! What the FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!
DALLAS: Oh, sorry. You don’t do that here?
Dallas spots something out the window and stands up quickly.
DALLAS: A smoke signal now? Fuck, sorry baby I gotta git going!
He’s about to leave when he looks back at the Girl and without a word slaps her across the face with the back of his hand. She’s shocked for a moment, but then nods, and begins to write down the ingredients for an apple pie.
(too sexy)ACT II
It’s the scene of a horrific crime. A man is lying on the ground, impaled through the face by a 60 foot douglas fir.
DALLAS: lol
Grace enters. She is a sexy news reporter that Dallas has wanted to nail for a while now. Unfortunately, since he is gay, these feelings leave him rather confused. Fortunately, Grace is very butch, so things might be OK.
GRACE: I’ve seen some sick things [insert mirror joke] but this is by far the sickest.
DALLAS: Makes you wonder how people like us can get on with our lives when the way people are living gets to us… everyday.. where we live at home.
GRACE: lol
DALLAS: (looks to his left) What do you think, Ghost Native?
G. NATIVE:: Fuckin murder
DALLAS: Ya?
G. NATIVE:: I knew this guy, Tim Redwater, he fucking couldn’t jump fuckin sixty feet, don’t make sense. Fuckin taking his shoes.
DALLAS: Stoppit that’s evidence. Fuck Ghost Native when are you gonna learn to follow protocol?!
G. NATIVE:: Cock! Solve your own shit I don’t need this. Fucking leaves. ( leaves)
DALLAS: Fine. GET OUTTA HERE! I WORK ALONE!……. Fuck Grace, get a load of that cockass, eh?
GRACE: Wait…. (kneels by body)…Dallas… Ghost Native was right!
DALLAS: WhatGHOST NATIVE PLEASE COME BACK I’M SORRY!
Dallas runs madly off into the underbrush. Branches scrape his skin off as he madly runs.
DALLAS: COME BACK GHOST NATIVE I NEED YOU!
Dallas screeches to a halt as something huge approaches through the bushes. A huge wall of fuzzy furry claws and teeth suddenly pounces at him!
DALLAS: AH!
G. NATIVE:: FUCKIN BEAR
Ghost native wrestles the mighty beast before finally putting it in a half-nelson and snapping it’s neck.
DALLAS: Ghost Native… you saved my life!
G. NATIVE:: My legs said run but my heart said love…
ACT III
Back at the office.
DALLAS: Well, that wraps that up.
GRACE: To be honest, I don’t think you got around to solving that murder. You were off in the woods or fucking something.
DALLAS: Case closed.
G. NATIVE:: It turns out Casino Dan was trying to steal our educations by shutting down the public schools on the reserve. We thwarted him somehow.
DALLAS: But he got away.
G. NATIVE:: We’ll catch that wolf-ass fucker don’t you worry. (starts to head out door)
DALLAS: Hey, where are you going?
G. NATIVE:: (catchphrase) I’m goin’ to the casino
DALLAS: lol
GRACE: lol
END OF PILOT
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