It still has a few minor grammar errors in it. You should look in to it if you want people to purchase the game.
Now as for it being a commercial game and made in RPG Maker XP I don't see an issue with this. After all even big companies like Level 5 use 3rd party software (not saying they use RMXP/VX/Game Maker), and that's all RMXP is, is a 3rd party software. However, I personally wouldn't sell a game because even encrypted games can be decrypted and take or look at how you did it.
I suggest continuing and if you do make any profit upgrade to something a little more professional like like Torque Game Builder (C++/C#). An indie license is only $99 (USD).