Well, my parents took the computer up to Best Buy last week, and it finally came back today. Turns out the problem was about 124 viruses that Norton had missed, much to my parents shock. Maybe they'll finally get something else now. The Geek Squad transfered everything from our computer to an external hard drive that my brother bought for my mother a few years ago (and she never bothered to learn how to use). Unfortunately, my mother somehow lost the AC adapter for it so we can't put anything back on the computer yet. She even lost the CD needed to install the external Motorola modem, so I couldn't get online until after stopping by the local Comcast store for a new one. Lots of other, more stressful shit happened while I was "away", but that's for another topic.
Anyway, the good news is that I'm back~