[Writing] Answering Machine

Answering Machine

PART I:

   “Hey! Wake up James I’m hungry,” Sarah shouted cheerfully.
   James rolled over to look at his alarm clock, the red lights looked right back with 11:36. “It’s kinda late, do I really have to? We did eat dinner, that new spaghetti recipe, remember?” he mumbled into his pillow.
   “Well, I’m really craving chocolate and I couldn’t find any, can you please get some?” she pleaded.
   “Alright, alright, just hold your horses, I’ll be right back okay baby,” James whispered with a peck on her cheek. He sluggishly got dressed and strolled down the corridor towards the elevator. Soon after he pressed the down button the elevator came up revealing three strong men with unshaven beards and menacing looks. James just looked away and got in the elevator. He got outside and hailed a taxi to the convenience store five blocks away. He walked into the poorly kept store and searched for the candy aisle. He got there and realized he had never asked her what she wanted. He casually picked up his cell phone and called his apartment.
   It rang six times and the voicemail picked up with Sarah’s voice telling James that they weren’t there and would call back later. James started to wonder and called again, and again, and again. He started to walk briskly towards his apartment with still no answers. He began to run, then sprint towards their home. He took the stairs to their room just to find the door ajar. He dashed in to find a horrific scene.
   The drawers had been thrown out, nothing was left unturned. He yelled for Sarah and did not get a response. He walked to the bedroom to find the door shut. He creaked it open to the most gruesome thing he could imagine. His wife was strapped to chair with her guts spilled out all over the floor and all eight piercings ripped out. He stopped.
   James went numb and fell to the floor and wept all over his wife. He called the police and told him about the men and his wife.



Do you want more? And if you say no too bad.

PART 2:
   The police man grabbed at the box to get the treat of the day, strawberry jelly-filled doughnuts. “Yo Rick, your really treating yourself today aren’t yah?” said the cop in the driver’s seat.
   “Shut up Pete, this is the first thing I could grab for breakfast,” whined Rick.
   “Your not helping the common police stereotype at all,” lectured Pete.
   “You are just a lousy son of a-” said Rick before he was cut off by the radio.
   “Officer Pete, can you read me?” said the radio, Pete picked up his end, “Loud and clear Denise.”
   “The mass murderer has finally been caught in the act and he’s in your area, over by the hospital.”
   “Gotcha,” said Pete as he set his end down, “put those doughnuts away and get in gear Rick.”
   “Yes sir,” Rick said sheepishly. They turned on their sirens and sped off towards the hospital. They saw a scrawny man sprinting towards their direction. Pete pulled off a quick u-turn as Rick’s doughnuts flew out the window. “My doughnuts!” he complained.
   “What a shitty breakfast bud,” said Pete. The thief began to run down an alley. Pete slammed on the brakes and ran out of the car while cocking his gun. He caught the murderer in the alley with his gun pointed “Freeze criminal! This is the police, now you come nice and easy, or you can make a fuss about it,” barked Pete. When Rick clamored up, the murderer rushed at him. “Rick, no!” It was too late; the murderer knifed him in the gut. Pete then made a lunge and tackled the criminal and slapped handcuffs. He called for an ambulance and Pete threw the criminal in the backseat. Pete didn’t even yell at the man like he used to have done. He just closed the door and rushed to Rick to make he was alright.

Comments so far?

PART 3:

"There he is, the famous serial murderer." said Officer Pete. He looked onto a scruffy man who lacked a sense of hygiene being questioned by a detective. The man was handcuffed to the table because the crime lab deemed psychopathic.
All of the sudden, the man abruptly stood up and began to yell at him. The detective did everything he could but could not calm the man down. Pete ran in and forcefully grabbed him and took him away to the outside.
"I can't believe the madness is finally over." said Detective McCain as the other detective walked out of the questioning room. "Did he rough you up at all detective?"
"No, I am shocked though." said the other detective.
After an awkward pause, detective McCain finally spoke up, "So what were the contents of his pockets?"
"His knife, a cell phone, and some lint. You want to know the weird thing though?" whispered the other detective. He pulled out the murderer's cell phone and started pressing buttons. "Look at this," he said coldly.
McCain examined the screen and began to scroll down the menu. "Fifty-two calls to one person. Who is Sarah? Is she a murder victim?"
The other detective looked at McCain. He then glanced down over the criminal's files. "Not quite," he began, "she is his wife. I wonder how this all happened, the murders, the criminal."
"Easy," said McCain, "rage." He took a sip of coffee. "Rage for his lost wife, James McPherson tried to call her, thinking she would pick up. Obviously, she didn't and he couldn't take it any longer. James has not physically died yet, but he let his soul die with Sarah."

THE END

Comments?

I liked it.. a little rushed.  Maybe take time to develop your characters more, and the storyline.  It was interesting and suspenseful, caught my attention.. only one part lost me:

“Rick, no!” It was too late; the murderer knifed him in the gut. Pete then made a lunge and tackled the criminal and slapped handcuffs. He called for an ambulance and Pete threw the criminal in the backseat. Pete didn’t even yell at the man like he used to have done. He just closed the door and rushed to Rick to make he was alright.

 

"There he is, the famous serial murderer." said Officer Rick. He looked onto a scruffy man who lacked a sense of hygiene being questioned by a detective. The man was handcuffed to the table because the crime lab deemed psychopathic.
All of the sudden, the man abruptly stood up and began to yell at him. The detective did everything he could but could not calm the man down. Rick ran in and forcefully grabbed him and took him away to the outside.

Wait he was stabbed and then.... I assume Rick should have been replaced with Pete in the third one.  Either way.. as I said, it was a good read.  Take the time to develop your characters/storyline more.  Aside from that, keep writing 

Oh wait... uhh... what are you talking about >_>

And it was rushed I admit.

HUH SARAH AND MCCAIN

COINCIDENCE?

I also noticed that lol
Overall it's a pretty interesting read, keep it up Forcystus.

HUH SARAH AND MCCAIN

COINCIDENCE?

I actually had wrote part 1 before sarah was mccain's running mate. And I just like the name mccain.

Sure you do.