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[Writing] School Exam : Document-Based Essay Question

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I'm practicing for an upcoming school exam that happens to require to write a convincing and relevant essay, and here is what I came up with for practice. Please give critics and advices on how to improve the quality of essay, any help would be appreciated. :lol:

Spoiler for The Essay:
"Conflict is inevitable and will eventually bring about the human race's doom"
To what extent would you use the two documents provided to support this statement?
Docs : http://www.wowessays.com/dbase/ad1/keb118.shtml
www.cnn.com/WORLD/europe/9911/09/wall.anniversary.03/

 
   The evidences given, “The Rise of the Nazis” and “The Fall of the Berlin Wall” mainly supports to a large extent the statement as following : “Conflict is inevitable and will eventually bring about the human race’s doom”. The first source, supports the statement to a large extent whilst the second source both support and does not support the statement given to a certain extent. The word “conflict” is often defined as a struggle between opponents over scarce values, power, or status and “inevitable” in a nutshell means something that just cannot be avoided.
   In the first source given, titled “The Rise of the Nazis” which is a text document based on the uprising of the German Nazis which was lead by Hitler during the 2nd World War. This document shows how far man can extend a conflict into an all-out war between many nations, as Germany took the opportunity to “invade other countries and ultimately, invade Poland”, this resulted in the start of the 2nd World War. Hitler promised “jobs and benefits to all classes of people” and Hitler was to most Germans,“their last hope”. Through the people’s “fear and insecurities”, Hitler succeeded in regaining Germany’s strength. All this shows that conflict is bred from everyday situations and the requirement of basic needs, which at that period of time was scarce for Germany, for they lost many resources and land during the 1st World War and plunged the nation into a state of economic chaos. Furthermore, this document spoke of how a single man can lead the world into an international conflict which suggests how conflict can easily be bred even from a single individual like Hitler. Everyday feelings of “fear and insecurities” can also blind the people into war, out of desperation. This document supports the given statement to a large extent because it also stated that many rules were broken and although there was the Treaty of Versailles (that was intended to be a peace agreement), the conflict – World War II – continue to happen; that the conflict was indeed inevitable. From the author’s point of view, the author sees the matters of conflict negatively and gives a favor to the success of Hitler and the Nazis in plunging the world into World War II. In this way, the source is not completely reliable because of some personal opinions towards Hitler. The purpose of the document was to inform how dangerous and unstoppable conflict can be and how conflict can pop up from practically anything. Even the simplest of reasons can lead into an all-out war between nations.
   The second document provided, “The Fall of the Berlin Wall” which is also a text document, both supports AND does not support the statement. Although the Berlin Wall was created because of the World War conflict which could not be avoided, the Fall of the Berlin wall meant the end of the conflict between East and West Germany. Stated, “….the Wall that had divided their city had crashed to the ground figuratively and literally.” marked the end of the “fall of the communist role in Eastern Europe”, an achievement that are “pictures of joy” which should be remembered as “foundations for the future”. However, the conflict between the East and West Germans is not completely over; even “some years after the reunification” which is a long period of time the cultural differences between them is still something to fight over. “Mauer im Kopf” which means “the wall in the head” describes how some percentage of East and West Germans still wished they were once again “cut off by the Berlin Wall”. This second document elaborates on how even after a long period of time - “28 years of forcible separation” – conflict still remains, inevitable. An intangible barrier still divides the East and West Germans, one that cannot be “crushed to the ground”. Even though the conflict has been resolved, it has not been completely resolved but only partially. The origin of the source is confirmed to be a very reliable source, since CNN is a veteran and provides professional, accurate, and reliable world news. There are no significant prejudices nor generalizations, which in turn cannot be decided whether this source support or does not support because it does BOTH. The author sees conflict in a rather neutral way, saying none of the pros and cons of conflict. Content of the document is clear and concise, and the purpose of the author is to send a message that conflict cannot be completely be resolved. Hence the document does not support the given statement, “Conflict is inevitable and eventually will bring about human race’s doom” by saying that the conflict can be resolved, and at the same time supports the statement by saying that there are still some Germans that wished the Berlin Wall is still standing – that the conflict can only be partially resolved, still unavoidable and inevitable.
   In conclusion, although the sources “Rise of the Nazis” and “The Fall of the Berlin Wall” tell us that conflict cannot be avoided or settled completely, it may not be that conflict cannot be controlled and contained. The second source indicate that the fall of the Berlin wall did crush the communist rule over the Eastern Europe - even though some Germans has envisioned “the wall in the head”- this  minimizes the communist power all over the world. Hence from the sources given, although man is ever connected to conflict and indeed it is inevitable; it will not bring human race’s doom as long as it can be controlled or contained.

Thank you :)
   


« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 10:03:42 AM by boe »
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Quote
The first source, supports the statement to a large extent whilst the second source both support and does not support the statement given to a certain extent.

Should be

Quote
The first source supports the statement to a large extent whilst the second source both support and does not support the statement given to a certain extent.

I would recommend you rewrite the line to something along the lines of...

Quote
The first source supports the statement while the second source both supports it and, to a certain extent, does not support it.

Changing 'whilst' to 'while' simply because it's simpler and 'whilst' does not fit with any of the language used in the first paragraph. Remember, you want it to flow.
Ex: "Thou shalt smack that whore like there's no tomorrow G'!" or "Smack that whore like there's no tomorrow G'!" ?

I did not read all of it seeing as my attention span is unusually short today, but I do have some other advice having scanned most of it.

1. Learn to use commas. Most of the commas you use are correct, but there are some places you either add an extraneous comma or you do not place one where it is needed. This is not an insult; it is merely advice learned from experience.

2. Use less quotes. Quotations are a nice addition to any essay or paper, but, looking at the third paragraph, it appears, "...to a certain extent...", that you are having the quotations write the paper for you.

3. Read the essay aloud, or in the event of an exam, read it aloud in your head. Most of what you say is coherent, but there are times, such as in your conclusion, that it is difficult to understand what you are saying. What I do ,whenever I'm writing a paper, is (do not laugh :P ) pretend that Morgan Freeman is reading it. This way you can hear if the paper flows or not. It also helps to put extra emphasis on things - such as breaks in the line, pauses, phrases, etc. - so you will be able to receive the full effect of your writing and problems with the flow of the paper will become more evident.

Hope this helps. :3
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