[Writing] Redwyn's First Poem

[Redwyn]

Yeah, heyo guys! I did a poem a few months back, my first one. (Haven't made more since) And I figured I may as well share it with you all....

I gave it a unoriginal title but oh well ;(

{My Life}

At the morning break of dawn I wake.
In the glittering evening I break.
In the mist of twilight I cry;
For you are the only one that I have wanted.
We share each others pain, slowly in the rain.
Though I feel that one day we will break.
I will stand here by you, until I crumble.
So please my love, why won't you see....
That you are hurting me....

Comments please

[Leventhan]

The theme is........love?
It has essence, that's for sure :3

[Nightwolf]

It's nice, very nice. But make it a little bigger.

[Esmeralda]

It is very beautiful, yes. A bit longer wouldn't hurt but it's nice when short, too.

[Malson]

Your words were beautiful so I improvised a quick guitar line and sang to it ^^

[Tezuka]

The poem and Malson's improv was awesome.

+rep to both of you.

[Redwyn]

Thanks for the responses guys! And very good song Malson, I thank you very much for it, it's lovely.

[Nightwolf]

Your words were beautiful so I improvised a quick guitar line and sang to it ^^

FUCK YOU I WAS GONNA TAB IT WHEN IT WAS LONGER <\3

[Holkeye]

I think its ok, but some of the rhyming words are obvious and simple. Mix it up a little bit.

[Redwyn]

Hey guys, I'm sorry that I'm posting in this topic, but I wanted to keep this one. Well, to let you know, I worked on the poem again.... I dunno if it's a poem anymore, but here it is.

P.S. I made up a new name for this.

{Cosmetic Life}

At the morning break of dawn I wake.
In the glittering evening I break.
In the mist of twilight I cry;
For you are the only one that I have wanted.

We share each others pain, slowly in the rain.
Though I feel that one day we will break.
I will stand here by you, until I crumble.
So please my love, why won't you see....
That you are hurting me....

Through the phases we go, from love to pain;
Though today I gave up, unwillingly.
Looking out of the window, I see your tears,
Wishing that I could comfort you.

Laying in this bed, unmoving and unwaking,
Day by day, I see you sitting next to me.
I see the things I haven't before, crying unseen tears.
My wish was to comfort you, but my body won't allow it.

Years go by, and you stopped coming;
I wonder why you gave up on me.
I feel that I turned worthless, wanting to end it all....
But I can't,because I'm stuck in this coma....unable to die.

A long time goes, but I'm still here....wondering about you.
But one day I see, a light in my everlasting hell.
I reach out my mind, to touch the light....

The light infuses with my warm, still living body;
My eyes open, but the scene changed.
I'm stuck in an alley, and I today is the day that I;
Realize that I made up, everything.

[I feel emo now, XD]

[JAP]

As a girl, I personally will fall in love immediately.

"So sweet..." is all I can say.

=)