[GM] My Opening Sequence - not altered yet

[ryanrulz_11]

Ok, so i've made this short prologue which will be modified to be very well used as my opening sequence. May i ask for alot of comments?

The year is 2677 on the planet Ovrana. It is a small planet with dark red water and an orange surface. In 2508; The Demonic Plague was washed over Ovrana which caused the creation of the Red Moon. The Red Moon orbits the planet; creating an evil atmospheric balance between normal gases and the plague. But one afternoon in Vyran Village; a baby boy called Dangan was born. But, he had a mark on his chest which looked like a diamond had pressed against his chest and detained its shape. No one knew what it was and people started to get concerned about his health. Without any main technology existent since the robotic war, no one could tell what it was. A simple birthmark...or something else. When 3 months and 4 days had past, there was a sudden noise. A noise which sounded so evil that neighbours wanted to kill him for their own safety. A man called Master Sonkei was one of the neighbours and he was very wise. He too wanted to kill Dangan. So he approached him and used his pure magical powers to send Dangan to the Dark Realm located inside Ovrana near the Outer Core. But...when he attempted, nothing seemed to happen to Dangan. The people of the village noticed something utterly peculiar. The Red Moon seemed to have gotten closer and approaching...FAST!!! The villagers were frightened, so they resulted in getting their luggage and moving to a safe distance. Sadly; the only safe place was off Ovrana at that moment. The Red Moon was about to collide with Ovrana until Sonkei used all his might to stop it coming; but it was no use. He quickly got out of the way; into the sky and blessed Ovrana with a powerful spell. The spell of delayed revival. A microsecond after, Sonkei teleported to the planet Grutonn while the planet would revive itself. But even thousands of kilometres away, the people of Grutonn could see the mighty flare of molten lava becoming one with darkness which created a purple colour. 4 minutes and 37 seconds later, the planet imploded with the darkness with it...or did it? Sonkei waited until the planet revived itself and returned; finding the planet bare and pale. Just red water and orange land was left, with no scent of evil. But he did sense some disturbance in the air, and whatever it was, it changed how the wind had headed. There was a small object, becoming bigger and bigger as it approached until it landed just metres away from Sonkei. It was some sort of demon. A demon with such darkness that used to cover the planet, fused with the molten lava of suffering death of villagers. All of that, merged with one person. Sonkei managed to speak a few words. "Great! Now what have you gotten yourself into, Dangan?"

[Arrow]

You are adding to much detail into the text. You don't need to describe the colors of the planet. Make a picture that shows them.

Don't DESCRIBE the imprint, show it.

Also, don't give an exact time for the explosion, just say like "moments later".

Be a bit more vague, squash it down a bit.

[biohazard]

yeah, that and fix a few spelling mistakes.  Try and keep it short and sweet, I will draw you a planet later if you want.  just tell me what size.