Joe gets a life - Never ending story (Relived)

Ok, this is like the other neverending story, except its about a guy named Joe.
The only rule is that Joe can never die. That's it. I'll start.
And no one answers

One night, Joe was walking down the street. There was a great commotion outside this house. Supposedly, a mass murder had just occured. He walk up to the police line and saw a dead body. He said "What the hell? He's not dead!"

"We know" The police said,
"Yeah so do I" said the body
"Shut up Ned your dead remember, anyway anything you wanted?" The police said to Joe 

"I want.......your.....SOUL!!!! said joe.
"Aww shit!" said the cop.
The police run as Joe follows.

Joe picks up a lamp post and swings it at the cop who ducks and turns into Godzilla and stamps on Joe.

Joe wakes up with a shout and looks outside to see a horrific car crash and go's outside to have a look.

Then another car explodes into a billion thousand in a rare occurence in nature where two electrons and a neutron fuse together and cause a reaction which makes the car invariablly explodes.
Then Joe says "Holy shit, my convertible! Damnit!" He then proceeds to kill his neighbor Mr. Fred. Mrs. Fred then was pissed of at Joe.

Mrs. Fred begans to speak absolute gibberish, lulling Joe into a boredom-induced sleep. Suddenly, a quarter of the universe blows up in a rush of black magic. Joe starts waiting for the white light to bring him to heaven, but it never comes.

"Oh, wait, I'm immortal?" Joe exclaims, ejaculating large amounts of intergalactic debris.

Joe starts too wonder why everything has been blowing up, when his words did too

Then his face blew up, but then, with the powers of extreme cellular regeneration, it came back. He politely asked God to fix all the stuff that blew up, and went to his desk job at New Lines Inc.

When he got there, his secretary came up to him slowly. She said...

What the hell is wrong with you? Your on vacation wit me! Get to my apartment tright now!"

But Joe had other plans, rather than do his ass hole ugly of a secretary.

He then went to mcdonnalds and ate a bucket of mCMakES which then molested him with a rubber spatula with the words Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee on the front

After being molested by an inanimate object, He decided to do something drastic.

Side Note: Seriously, 

He stepped on the rubber spatula and shat on it and run off to have an affair with Donald MC Donald

Who turned out to be Michael Jackson and ended up being molested agin

After doing a spatula and a child molester, Joe decides to pull a gun out and shoot Micheal Jackson 59 times. He then orderded a Big Mac. When he was going back to his car, he got ran over by a black van.

Guys then jumped out and started molesting him in there van

Then jackie chan saved Joe and then chuck Norris decided to fight jackie chan

And then, in a spectacular fight that lasted for three days, Chuck Norris took down Jackie Chan. Then he asked "Joe, why is everyone on this forum always thinking of people molesting other people." Joe replied...

Joe replied... I'm going to molest you chuck norris. So he did but chuck norris had not had enough so they had a long sweaty night of love, then nightwolf came and thought that chuck norris was his dog so he caught him on fire. Chuck norris ran around the room screaming in pain then died. joe whent to a cliff and stood at the edge...

Joe decided he was going to turn to a life of good.

...

*3 months later*

"Hey kiki, how you doing?"

"Mmmmhmmmm!!!"

"That's okay kiki, I can molest you more later if you want. *kiss*"

"MMMMMMHHMMMMM!!!!!!!"

"See you later baby!"

But kiki is really not fine with this. Every secsond without joe makes his live harder to live. He decides that the only way to be happy is if he tied joe up and threw him in the basement. So he started his plan by...

...eating some nachos.

And geting a big monkey

Due to the natural paradox of EVOL NACHO4$ COMBIN3D WI|) MONK3HS LOL, kiki died. Such emotional stress broke something in Joe, and he stumbled into a life of...

mass drug abuse where he begins to sell large ammounts of cocaine to multiple people, and gets ridicuosly rich. He then escapes to Chicago to get away from the drug dealers.

Then Joe is like, "I'm Joe Kick Ass!" then he kills all of Chigaco. Making him a bad ass.

Then, suddenly, he realizes that his childhood hero, Barney the Purple Dinosaur, died in the explosion. Joe falls to the ground and lets out a wail of despair, screaming, "WHAT HAVE I DONE!"

But his wailing is in vain, as presently he comes face to face with...

Chuck Norris. Chuck says "You made me legally gay. Now I must break you." But coincidently, an 18-Wheeler plowed over Chuck Norris, allowing Joe to escape. Joe then realized he was legally gay to, since he had done Michael Jackson, some dudes from a black van, and Chuck Norris. He wanted to change this immediantly, so...

He cut off his wiener and became legally female and thus not gay. Filled with triumph and happiness (and the inevitable pain that comes with the reasonable phase of cutting off your own wiener), he flung it t some far-off place, which proved to be...

wiener land. Where gay men take their penises when they cut them off. Joe' penis invariabbly comes back with all the other two penises and attacks Joe untill he puts his back one with duct tape. He then saw Mandy Moore outside and decided to...

... take his sausage off again and fling it at her. (Hey, who could resist the chance?) The wiener was about to attack Joe again, when he said, "Sic her, wiener of d00m!" The wiener, therefore, transformed into a wiener of d00m, with...

three heads, and the diameter of an old oak tree! It then flings it self onto Mandy Moore. Then, in 9 months, she has a three headed kid that looks like a penis. During that time, Joe killed five clowns, four mimes, and a juggler. By doind this, he pissed off...

the great, insanely good-looking Irgna, who filled him with morters, but since he can't die, he...

took out all the mortars and shoved them all up Irgna's nose. He then pwned him with his shotgun. After pwning Irgna he met up with a friend of his...

...who happened to be a talking tomato. They went to the...

the gardening show. At one booth, people learned how to make ketchup! After passing by this booth though, Joe's friend "disapeared" 
Joe then went on a bloody rampage, during this he killed...

...both Martha Stewart and Dick Cheney. The police violently chased him down, hungry for his blood. He escaped by jumping into an Oldsmobile, but later crashed into a. . .

black van. This happened to be a government offical vehicle, and he went to jail. In jail, he met a guy named...

Bob from Ohio. They became good friends, but Bob wanted...

Hot and Raunchy sex with Hookers.

Except that Bob was a gay pervert that liked to arange meetings with 13 year olds to have...

gay sex. So Joe murdered with a sawed off when no one was looking. Nobody liked Bob anyway, so no one cared. When Joe finally got out of jail, something extrordianary happened. He...

found a shiny nickel. Joe then bought some expensive candy, except Bob's ghost stole the candy. Joe chased after Bob's Ghost. Then....

Joe called the Ghost Busters to suck up Bob's ghost. The next day, he say a giant marshmallow man as tall as the skyscrapers. He...

Kicked him in the nuts.  Then he roasted him and...

Had enough marshmallows to feed all the hungry children in India. But ate it himself, and threw up in his toilet, alot. It was so bad he had to call a plumber. When the plumber came, he realized that it was...

Time for snorting coke off a hookers ass.

After Joe snorted the coke, he realized the hooker was DEAD! hilarity ensued.  After Joe got rid of the body (no after getting his money's worth) he ran out into the street and...

Realized the plumber had a large bomb in his pants! Which coincidently made his apartment blow up! Then he saw...

A zombie hooker! After Joe grabbed his trusty...

chainsaw and ripped that zombie hookers head out her socket. Since his apartment blew up though, he decided to move to...

Montana. But when he got there, he looked around and saw absolutly nothing within a 500 mile radius, so he moved to New York. There he met King Kong. King Kong wanted to go out and...

Get drunk!! But the pub was closed due to...

...suicidal kittens. So they went to...

TESCOS!!...

To have a granola bar and many bottles of....

Coca cola and they also bought a...

Mercenary.

But then they got bored, so they went out to pick up women. But King Kong took it to literally and...

carried a woman to the top of the golden gate bridge and. . .

...and I don't want to carry on to say what he did. Then...

Satan killed him, but God liked this thread and brought him back to life, making him invincible again so he could....

eat pies and...

carry more girls to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge

and

accidently fell off and drown in the ocean. Joe felt pretty bad and went to...
(The next person to post a one word answer FAILS)

FAIL a written exam at colledge. He accidently passed, so he...

burn the school to the ground, because school sucks.

The Joe got bored, he went to the bar to...

meet up with the magical fish people and...

...does the hokey-pokey. Afterwards...

Joe went to Asia where he met...

...a Mexican name Pablo Romero Jose Martinez. The decided to...

go on a voyage to the lost...

Algandars Castle. There they meet...

Fred, an ordinary young boy with a cat in a rocket launcher for a pet. Later they...

played Radiata Stories on Joe's PS2. Then they...

then goku jumps out and turns into super sayin 1

and beats the living s**t out of Bob Marley who walked in about 3 minutes ago. ...

who had already eaten Joe's cat. Joe and Goku then went to...

the lakeside... where Joe got bored and decided to...

...f*** his mom. Then he...

f****d his dad...

then he drank some steroids...

and...

ate a cat...

with...

butter!!!

Then he...

realized that his life was getting dull so Forcystus shot him. He was then brought back to life with much amnesia. He found himself in...

a dark and smelly prison sell, with a big muscly cell mate and an aching ass