Joe gets a life - Never ending story (Relived)

Ok, this is like the other neverending story, except its about a guy named Joe.
The only rule is that Joe can never die. That's it. I'll start.
And no one answers

One night, Joe was walking down the street. There was a great commotion outside this house. Supposedly, a mass murder had just occured. He walk up to the police line and saw a dead body. He said "What the hell? He's not dead!"

"We know" The police said,
"Yeah so do I" said the body
"Shut up Ned your dead remember, anyway anything you wanted?" The police said to Joe 

"I want.......your.....SOUL!!!! said joe.
"Aww shit!" said the cop.
The police run as Joe follows.

Joe picks up a lamp post and swings it at the cop who ducks and turns into Godzilla and stamps on Joe.

Joe wakes up with a shout and looks outside to see a horrific car crash and go's outside to have a look.

Then another car explodes into a billion thousand in a rare occurence in nature where two electrons and a neutron fuse together and cause a reaction which makes the car invariablly explodes.
Then Joe says "Holy shit, my convertible! Damnit!" He then proceeds to kill his neighbor Mr. Fred. Mrs. Fred then was pissed of at Joe.

Mrs. Fred begans to speak absolute gibberish, lulling Joe into a boredom-induced sleep. Suddenly, a quarter of the universe blows up in a rush of black magic. Joe starts waiting for the white light to bring him to heaven, but it never comes.

"Oh, wait, I'm immortal?" Joe exclaims, ejaculating large amounts of intergalactic debris.

Joe starts too wonder why everything has been blowing up, when his words did too

Then his face blew up, but then, with the powers of extreme cellular regeneration, it came back. He politely asked God to fix all the stuff that blew up, and went to his desk job at New Lines Inc.

When he got there, his secretary came up to him slowly. She said...

What the hell is wrong with you? Your on vacation wit me! Get to my apartment tright now!"

But Joe had other plans, rather than do his ass hole ugly of a secretary.

He then went to mcdonnalds and ate a bucket of mCMakES which then molested him with a rubber spatula with the words Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee on the front

After being molested by an inanimate object, He decided to do something drastic.

Side Note: Seriously, 

He stepped on the rubber spatula and shat on it and run off to have an affair with Donald MC Donald

Who turned out to be Michael Jackson and ended up being molested agin

After doing a spatula and a child molester, Joe decides to pull a gun out and shoot Micheal Jackson 59 times. He then orderded a Big Mac. When he was going back to his car, he got ran over by a black van.

Guys then jumped out and started molesting him in there van

Then jackie chan saved Joe and then chuck Norris decided to fight jackie chan

And then, in a spectacular fight that lasted for three days, Chuck Norris took down Jackie Chan. Then he asked "Joe, why is everyone on this forum always thinking of people molesting other people." Joe replied...

Joe replied... I'm going to molest you chuck norris. So he did but chuck norris had not had enough so they had a long sweaty night of love, then nightwolf came and thought that chuck norris was his dog so he caught him on fire. Chuck norris ran around the room screaming in pain then died. joe whent to a cliff and stood at the edge...

Joe decided he was going to turn to a life of good.

...

*3 months later*

"Hey kiki, how you doing?"

"Mmmmhmmmm!!!"

"That's okay kiki, I can molest you more later if you want. *kiss*"

"MMMMMMHHMMMMM!!!!!!!"

"See you later baby!"

But kiki is really not fine with this. Every secsond without joe makes his live harder to live. He decides that the only way to be happy is if he tied joe up and threw him in the basement. So he started his plan by...

...eating some nachos.

And geting a big monkey

Due to the natural paradox of EVOL NACHO4$ COMBIN3D WI|) MONK3HS LOL, kiki died. Such emotional stress broke something in Joe, and he stumbled into a life of...

mass drug abuse where he begins to sell large ammounts of cocaine to multiple people, and gets ridicuosly rich. He then escapes to Chicago to get away from the drug dealers.

Then Joe is like, "I'm Joe Kick Ass!" then he kills all of Chigaco. Making him a bad ass.