Print Page - [Writing] Air in the Storms [Has the official M00s Schtampf of approval!]

RMRK General => Creativity => Topic started by: yuyu! on March 21, 2014, 09:56:49 PM

Title: [Writing] Air in the Storms [Has the official M00s Schtampf of approval!]
Post by: yuyu! on March 21, 2014, 09:56:49 PM

Author's Note: This was my first piece! It doesn't seem to fit in with anything else I've written, honestly. It's also a bit awkwardly written, but the story itself is something I'm decently proud of!

(https://rmrk.net/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F4bVvfSK.png&hash=35045a2f983206d5c1d5ec49a6e8c60eda685b16)
(Actually by yuyubabe/Deanna Coulton, but the cover was made as a random forum game thing for a random fantasy book. So, yeah. And then I guess I had to go and use it as an excuse to write something.)

This is kinda my first time posting here, so...here goes!

Air in the Storms
by ~~Dwight Harmison~~ Deanna Coulton

   There was no entry beyond a certain elevation of the tower; the approximate number of the height escapes Mitt's mind. This wasn't the only thing that evaded his memory: breakfast? Lunch? The words he had spoken to his mother that morning? Nothing of the sort returned to him, but he was sure that he ate something and said something to his mother.
   Mitt's life consisted of a whole lot of “somethings”. In fact, everyday he would think: “today, I'm going to do something!” He could honestly never remember what it was that he was going to do that day, so oftentimes he would really just do nothing.

   There was just one thing that always stuck with Mitt: the sky! It was always there, and never going to leave. The sky surely couldn't escape him, but he'd have to reach it first, right? He thought all of this as he looked upon the great tower, breathing heavily in anticipation: “today is the day that I'm going to reach the sky!” There would be no distractions, no forgetting, and certainly no rules in the sky!
   Mitt rode the elevator all the way to the final stop: the “top floor”. Of course, he knew this wasn't the actual top of the tower – no, the top was much higher!
   All his life had been a set of limitations, due to his condition. This time: Mitt wasn't going to let any more get in the way. “The sky's the limit,” he let out an almost creepy grin as he looked out a window.
   When no one was around, he quietly slipped out of the window and let his feet balance on a small balcony (that was obviously not meant for human use). He might have scared away a couple of birds.
   With a step here and a grip there, he began to make his way to the top of the tower: very, very slowly. His eyes fixed on the clouds that were pierced by the ongoing walls of the building he scaled.
   A cold wind blew through his hair, and his lips chapped at the taste of it. To him, it was a welcoming kiss from the gales.
   Pain wasn't his enemy. No, his foe was surely the world below. He didn't even want to look down, but it's not like he was afraid or anything of the like.

   Mitt must have been climbing for hours. His muscles ached and breathing became a slight bit of a problem. How was he even still alive? Surely, even he didn't know the answer to that.
   Finally, he found himself upon a small ledge to rest on. Looking up, he had to accept that there was no further that he could go. It's a shame, really. Mitt was beginning to really like actually getting somewhere and doing something.

   Mitt took an hour or so to soak in the view of the clouds and the tiny buildings that made him feel like a giant. He tried his best to see mama's house, but it was small enough as it is. So, instead, he looked to the shopping mall and watched as all the little cars fought over parking spots. It's funny how petty and miniscule everything seemed from so high up in the sky.
   Eventually, a dash of sorrow enveloped his heart: he couldn't stay there forever. Soon he would have to return home to his angry mama, and – well, honestly, he didn't know why he'd have to return – but he knew her wrath would be worse if he waited for too long. But he didn't want to go back. Why should he?
   He wasn't sure and nothing made sense to him anymore. For all he knew, he wouldn't even remember the beautiful view of the tower, the fluffy clouds, and the wind playing with his hair.

   The wind kissed his lips once more. This time, Mitt guessed that it was a good-bye kiss. He took a couple steps, until there were no more. In fact, any more steps would lead him right off the side of the ledge.

   He took another step anyways.

Title: Re: Air in the Storms - A very short story
Post by: yuyu! on March 21, 2014, 09:57:45 PM

Spoiler for Kind of a spoiler:

Title: Re: Air in the Storms - A very short story
Post by: Jules on March 21, 2014, 11:19:39 PM

As much as we're alike we are also very different. In my imagination he flew lol

That was really good yuyu!

Title: Re: Air in the Storms - A very short story
Post by: yuyu! on March 21, 2014, 11:27:47 PM

Quote from: Baroness Jules on March 21, 2014, 11:19:39 PM

As much as we're alike we are also very different. In my imagination he flew lol

He could have flown. ;_; You never know!

Also, I don't know why my stuff keeps turning out like this lately. o.o I'm not a dark or depressed person, but I still end up writing things that are a bit more gloomy. I need to find a more positive way to make an impact. Or maybe it's an emotional outlet. o.o

Spoiler for A little spoiler:

Title: Re: Air in the Storms - A very short story
Post by: EvilM00s on March 21, 2014, 11:52:01 PM

I'm sorry, what was the ques- hey, who are you people?

Not bad at all, tiny friend. I'll just put it this way: I read the whole thing in one take because I wanted to see what happened next.

:M00sApproved:

Now, I myself DO like creepy shit like this, so to see the dude jump to his painful, gory and inevitable doom was a happy ending to me. I was gonna be :mad: if he like, burst into a cloud of colourful butterflies or something... I love how despite Mitt's obvious mental deficiency, you write the scene on the building as though we are with Mitt as he is in the moment. That was fantastic, and I'll even be a little Hipster here and say it was on a level I don't think most people will get, just the sMrt ones. And because he knows he won't remember the wonder of his experience, he chooses to end his life- if he;s going to lose the memory anyway, do so on his own terms! Harosho!

I was under the impression he had a mental disability like Down's or something, but STML works too. (Now for the critique) I do think the story alluded to a deeper disability than just memory problems. Mitt approaches the conflict with child-like ignorance... or innocence, if you prefer.

You style is consistent, but your usage is a little off. Nothing that the Grammar Police want you for, but it could run a little more smoothly, like with a few sentence structures. I also notice that instead of commas you use semicolons before a quotation.

But academics aside, I really enjoyed that story! And you said you didn't wanna write for Team Hephaestus... pffff. Pff on you, I say. PFF!

Spoiler for pff:

Title: Re: Air in the Storms - A very short story
Post by: yuyu! on March 22, 2014, 12:07:25 AM

Oh, wow!! I'm really flattered... Thank you!! ;o;

I'm thinking about writing something else now, based off of another random book cover, haha. I'll try my best to make things more smooth! ;]

Title: Re: Air in the Storms [Has the official M00s Schtampf of approval!]
Post by: bluntsword on March 22, 2014, 05:56:09 AM

Not creppy yuyu. Just good story telling.

Hats off!

Title: Re: Air in the Storms [Has the official M00s Schtampf of approval!]
Post by: yuyu! on March 23, 2014, 02:10:28 AM

Thanks, bluntsword! ^_^

I'm glad you liked it! Now I think I'm a little more motivated to finish another one, lol. ;o;

Title: Re: Air in the Storms [Has the official M00s Schtampf of approval!]
Post by: Sophist on March 27, 2014, 04:21:00 AM

This was an interesting read. Your snapshot of someone's life (or then lack thereof) is quaint and takes an interesting angle on something dark and often ignored. Your phrasing and wording of both up and down served the verisimilitude of the piece, and is what kept me in. Your stream of consciousness writing served to bring a character's thoughts and feelings to life, which is admirable and something I myself lack skill in.

I'm still wavering on how someone could go upon their doom without grief or much hesitation, but as I read again, the point of memory could have been touched on a little more. It felt a little spelled out at the beginning and then not doted upon at the end, but it was short enough to where it didn't matter as much, the concept was still there.

Overall very good entry, and is quite encouraging for me to read the rest of your work.

(https://rmrk.net/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzFYZn.gif&hash=7cc0fa1b9890cf1b889a673779af6ec439743473)

Title: Re: Air in the Storms [Has the official M00s Schtampf of approval!]
Post by: yuyu! on March 27, 2014, 04:25:21 AM

Man, I can't tell you how much that boosted my confidence and made me feel encouraged!! :gracie: This was my first one, and it seems like with each one, I go a weird direction. o.o

I'm glad you liked it!! I'm starting to feel better about my writing abilities from all this really useful feedback! ^_^

Title: Re: Air in the Storms [Has the official M00s Schtampf of approval!]
Post by: FlameMaster5 on March 27, 2014, 04:41:37 AM

I see why you like my own use of very short sentences because you did that just now as well at the end.
And that means shit just got real. XD

I LOVED it!
Like M00s, I would have been pissed too if he sprout wings and flew or got caught in a cloud. XD

Spoiler for:

Title: Re: Air in the Storms [Has the official M00s Schtampf of approval!]
Post by: yuyu! on March 27, 2014, 04:43:18 AM

I love every single one of you forever. ;_;

Thank yooooooooooooooooooouuuu! :roph2:

The RPG Maker Resource Kit

RMRK General => Creativity => Topic started by: yuyu! on March 21, 2014, 09:56:49 PM