I got a phone call from the lord
It was a call like every other
Said he was pretty bored
Asked if I could come over
And so I did
Now my mother's gettin worried
Haven't seen me in awhile
So much love to give
For her one and only child
And so she gave
Now twas she who called our father
Twas she who sounded bothered
Twas she who told the lord
She'd be the next one to be slaughtered
And so she was
Now we are all together
In the kingdom of the sky
But hey don't worry it's all a dream
Cause Heaven is a lie.
In my opinion the ending ruins it, but I don't think it's very good in the first place so whatever.
Comments and shit please :)
It doesn't grab me, but it isn't bad. At first I thought the fifth stanzas in the first three verses were awkward, but they grew on me. I wonder if a fifth line couldn't be added to the fourth verse, just to make it homogenous?
The more I read it, the more it makes sense. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 5 being indifferent and 1 being hate, I give it 6.5, maybe 7.
I toyed around with adding 'And so it is' to the end. But it doesn't sound right to me ;9
Then by all means, omit it. It flows pretty well without, I think.
Alright, thanks for the critique
Keine probleme, mein freund.