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RMRK General => Creativity => Topic started by: Forty on August 07, 2008, 06:18:17 PM

Title: [Writing] Ruined
Post by: Forty on August 07, 2008, 06:18:17 PM

Hatred pulses through my veins.
All of my sorrows from one thing.
My social standing, my poverty,
You ruined me. Do you enjoy it?
You were the best I could have.
But now everytime I see you,
I have to choke back the tears.

Damn you, chocolate bunny,
You have ruined me.
You have made me fat,
I despise you and your velvety goodness.

CREDITS:
Arrow for edits.

Title: Re: Ruined
Post by: Arrow on August 08, 2008, 02:06:39 AM

Clever! x3 This is petty nit-picking, but I think it would roll of the tongue a little better/be more dramatic if, "You made me fat," read off as, "You have made me fat.", period included. Also, instead of hate, perhaps you could curse it in someway, though not literally "curse" as that's cliche.

Title: Re: Ruined
Post by: Forty on August 08, 2008, 02:29:40 AM

Better I presume?

Title: Re: Ruined
Post by: Arrow on August 08, 2008, 02:39:05 AM

I suppose. :3