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RMRK General => Creativity => Topic started by: Jules on March 26, 2014, 03:41:33 AM

Title: [Writing] Mama [This story has the official M00s Schtampf of approval!]
Post by: Jules on March 26, 2014, 03:41:33 AM

(https://rmrk.net/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FLckkQbz.gif&hash=9cc08dc22bae7a5346e4ed92de38af91e71b8eee)

Her face was completely relaxed with just a hint of a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. She was lying on a board covered with a sheet, and another sheet was pulled up to her chest. You could see the outline of her arms beneath the sheet crossed over her chest. A bible lay on her stomach, unmoving. 

They say when someone dies, they look as if they are asleep. I've even said that myself. “Oh he looked like he was sleeping” But she didn't look like she was sleeping. She looked at peace, finally. During the last few months of her life, her sleep had been interrupted constantly by sighs, moans, tossing, and turning as she tried to find a spot that was comfortable. But there had been a war raging inside her body and there were no satisfactory positions left to sleep in. Everything hurt, every where hurt. 

There was no mahogany coffin with a velvet interior and a plump pillow. Her head lay on a flat pillow, similar to the one she had carried around with her always. It was her favorite. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, she'd decided to be cremated. No sense in a fancy burial; she wouldn't be there and it would only cost us money no one had. But we would have gladly spent it, had she wanted one. I couldn't stay there long, looking at her. I knew she was better off. She'd told me from the beginning that she was going to be a winner either way. She'd either beat the disease and be with us, or she would die and be with Jesus. But I wasn't a winner.  I was lost. And seeing her at peace finally only gave me a tiny bit of comfort. Because what good was her peace when I suddenly felt unwhole, ripped apart?

(https://rmrk.net/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FuwaBwil.png&hash=bff90819b3f9fafdc05f68d6df77ca0c81fe83cb)

Title: Re: Mama
Post by: yuyu! on March 26, 2014, 04:05:45 AM

I know I already told you all of this, but I'm going to post it here, too.

I teared up several times when reading this. The pain and sorrow of losing someone close to you is a heavy burden to bear - and I think you captured the moment in the best way possible, as it came from your heart.

I think the best part about this is that it's personal to you, and you're coming out with your feelings and laying them out and facing them. It's incredibly moving.

Lots of love, Jules <3

Spoiler for Maybe some helpful critique:

You know how we are about paragraphs. But this one is so short that I think it's not nearly as daunting. :) The sentences are just a bit cut-and-dry, but that could also fit the theme.

I'm still very moved by it. And slightly teary, ahh...

Title: Re: Mama
Post by: Sophist on March 26, 2014, 04:14:07 AM

Such a sad tale to tell. There is beauty to be had in the directness of writing, and it is not for want here. Your own experience shines through and it is clear you are writing from your heart. Although it is short and isn't a 'story' in the traditional sense, you paint a picture of heartache and languish, a momentary capture from your soul.

Very well done, would read again.  :roph2:

Title: Re: Mama
Post by: EvilM00s on March 26, 2014, 05:02:26 AM

That hit the target.

That's all I'm gonna say. :cry:

Title: Re: Mama
Post by: Ser zacheatscrackers on March 26, 2014, 05:11:37 AM

Absolutely heartbreaking, but brilliant. I have nothing bad to say about it at all; the writing is just perfect.

*sniff*...  :'(

Title: Re: Mama
Post by: EvilM00s on March 26, 2014, 05:15:16 AM

This is just another example of the artist knowing when another stroke would be too much. There is only the art, lean and accessible. Nothing to carve away, just the bullet that you see coming yet cannot avoid. It reaches inside to the emotion dial and spins it all the way to bleak with no effort.

C'est magnifique.

:M00sApproved:

Title: Re: Mama
Post by: FlameMaster5 on March 26, 2014, 06:51:23 AM

10/10 from me.
Not only was it beautiful, it was real, and I've been there.

I really have nothing more I can say. :3