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[Writing] Just a story. . Read it

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In her youth, Damari was a calm child. She rarely cried and did not speak often, she preferred to gesture and only spoke when someone did not understand her. She enjoyed sitting and observing the world, most often looking out the window with sharp grey eyes - which was notably odd as her father had blue and her mother brown. She did not find solace in playing with other children, but preferred to watch them as they played, often cheering them on instead of joining in.

When Damari was 10, an event occured that would change her life. Cala, working at the bakery, had met the head baker, Abert and over several years had come to like each other very much. They were to be wed in the spring.

Gagi did not mind this twist of fate - Damari was getting older, and the house seemed to get smaller with each inch the girl grew. She told Damari that fate had dealt her mother a new hand. A few days before the marriage Damari started to experience visions:

"I fear it is a losing hand, Gagi. I had a terrible dream last night. I see a gown of white covered with river mud... and a carriage wheel without a wagon. I do not know what it means... and I do not know if it will happen, or if it has..."

Gagi was afraid of this realization, and told Cala. Cala took precautions; She and her husband-to-be would borrow the delivery horses from the bakery to ride for their honeymoon and Cala would wear a cerubell dress.

The wedding went well and all was as beautiful as could be. Damari saw that the vision was averted and enjoyed herself. When Abert and Cala left for a honeymoon in Vezash, nothing was wrong.

But late that night, Damari awoke from a deep slumber, screaming. Gagi came to her and asked her what was wrong.

"I was drowning... being dragged down... Mud was in my mouth... the water around me swirled with blood... And there was another in the water... a bearded man in livery... he floated above while I sank..."

Gagi tried to calm the child, but without success. Damari stayed awake all night, sitting by the hearth fire and waiting for her mother to come home.

The next day, Damari and Gagi were surprised by a knock at the door. A livery-clad messenger told Gagi that her mother and her husband were attacked and killed by robbers. The Duchess of Sanguia had come across the carnage and saw fit that their royal messenger would tell them. But Damari had no need to hear the messenger - she spoke from her seat by the hearth fire- eyes mussed with soot...

"The carriage received damage; a wheel fell into the river. Several guards were killed. The Dduchess fled from the wagon onto the river-banks while the wagon was pillaged, marring her white gown with mud. She came across two people, a man in finery and a woman in cerubell. Both were drowned, the woman seemed to have been thrown to the bank and beaten before drowning."

She so stated before her mother's mother of the next words...

"Gagi. I believe I am Blessed by Seyella. I must not die, for the sake of the Gods!"

By the age of 28, Damari became so sad with the strength of her visions and the plight of those she could not help, that she left the Seyellan sect, and New-Santhala alltogether. All her life, Damari had known of Seyella and her powers, and wished no more to be of it. So she ended her life.

For those of you who would like to see more of my writing, am would hapily post more. Also this was made by me and my mates.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 10:17:34 AM by boe »
Good Bye. RMRK you were cool while I wasn't there.

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Good Bye. RMRK you were cool while I wasn't there.

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2014 Most Unsung Member2014 Best RPG Maker User - Engine2013 Best RPG Maker User (Scripting)2012 Best Member2012 Best RPG Maker User (Scripting)2012 Favorite Staff Member2012 Most Mature MemberSecret Santa 2012 ParticipantProject of the Month winner for July 20092011 Best Veteran2011 Favourite Staff Member2011 Most Mature Member2011 Best RPG Maker User (Scripting)2011 Best Use of Avatar and Signature Space2010 Most Mature Member2010 Favourite Staff Member
I liked it. It is a good story. Kind of like the myth of Cassandra. It's well written, and I enjoyed it.

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Thank you. .ahh what the hell a "YAY" is in order. GLad you liked it. .
Good Bye. RMRK you were cool while I wasn't there.

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No one else like it?
Good Bye. RMRK you were cool while I wasn't there.

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Its pretty good writing, but if you really want criticism, I can offer a hint.

Don't try so hard to form your sentences. It kind of sounds a little robotic, and carefully worded. A story will draw people in more if it is written the way people speak.

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Damn, he's onto me . .Must Destroy all humans!

Thanks, i understand what you mean. .
Good Bye. RMRK you were cool while I wasn't there.

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lol, no problem. It's good though, just putting my 2 in.