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[Writing] A new mythology (find flaws please)

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I came up with a little back story on the villain and the worlds of my next game. Here it is... Now find me flaws or comment please :-)


BACK STORY
Before there was death, misery and despair; even before Terrenia was born, there were only the heavans. The realm of the angels, a place made of clouds, vapors and stars to provide them with heat and light from the darkness of space.

Inhabiting the heavens were the first beings in existence. They are called the Oxydales, but since then have been dubbed angels. Without wings or a physical form, the Oxydales were formed out of a collection of vapors that have been given consciousness by the Creator.

The Oxydales are immortal and everlasting; unable to be wounded or harmed at all, being that they lack a physical form. They lived in perfect harmony in their realm; that is until the Oxydales began to pair together. Their mating process bonded their vaporous molecules together and created a single being.

The solid beings were considered to be offspring that they called Carbodans. Their realm of gas and vapor was unable to sustain the Carbodans, so an Oxydale called Titas created a world from a rogue asteroid that shot across the cosmos.

The world was tiny, and superheated by the power of Titus into a world of molten rock with only a few shores of cooled rock. Smaller asteroids slammed into Hemonia leaving deep craters and filling the atmosphere with dust from the shattered asteroids creating a barely breathable and turbulent atmosphere that consisted of red dust and black ash.

Unaware what the needs of their offspring were, the Oxydales placed their offspring on the new world that was dubbed Hemonia only to find that the Carbodans could not physically sustain themselves. The newborn flesh was scorched off to black meat. Their open wounds were invaded by the harsh atmosphere that consumed them and turned them into beings of low intelligence.

Even creatures of low intelligence knew how to procreate ant the first offspring of the Carbodans was a terrible mutant named Malcius. His body was covered with thick scales, his head had horns and his fingers were claws. This mutation was merely one of many that followed after him. Everything from terrifying winged Carbodans to bulbous thick skinned Carbodans.

Malcius was not only the first born on Hemonia, but he was the first to speak to the Oxydales that had condemned the Carbodans to such an inhospitable world. The Oxydales had no concept of pain, grief or despair as they have no solid form.

As years passed, the body of Malcius transformed from one stage of his life to another. With each shedding of his scales, there was something new beneath of them, until he finally had a pair of gigantic black wings and a mouth full of sharp teeth meant for eating Carbodans.

Malcius flew out of the atmosphere of Hemonia and soared to the realm of the angels. He had adapted with each transformation until he could breathe the gasses of the heavenly realm. When face to face with the Oxydales, he asked them how they could condemn the Carbodans to such a horrible realm.

The Oxydales had no understanding of the harsh environment and that further enraged the enormous Malcius who flapped his giant wings and began to blow the realm into pieces. The clouds dissipated, and the vaporous Oxydales flew apart into oblivious. The majority of the populous was annihilated single handedly by Malcius who had no remorse.

In order to stop the enormous Malcius, the Oxydales combine their might and became a cloud of acid that ate away the giant black wings of Malcius. Without wings to fly on, Malcius spun through the empty cosmos of space, until he finally crashed back into Hemonia.

The Oxydales that had survived demanded that Titas find a better asteroid, a bigger asteroid to forge a better world for the Carbodans. They wanted him to create world that would be more hospitable to their flesh and would not cause their children to be mutated. With the help of Geodonas, Titas built a new world. This time, with the wisdom and artistic creativity of Geodonas, the world was beautiful. It began with a molten super hot atmosphere, but then generations of cooling from the winds of the heavens cooled it into a paradise fit for the Carbodans.

The new world was called Terrenia, and as it was being forged, the enormous Malcius grew in power, size and mass. The once winged Carbodan had tripled in size and conquered the entire world of Hemonia with the help of a demonic army of mutants.

The majority of Carbodans on Hemonia followed the will of Malcius, if they did not obey, they were hunted and devoured. The Oxydales could see the terror that Malcius had created on the already turbulent world and they warned Terrenia that all who did not please the Oxydales would be shifted onto Hemonia and devoured by Malcius.

As the Oxydales were immortal, the only way to displease them was death. It was not comprehendible to the immortal beings and in their infinite power; the Oxydales could reanimate those of Terrenia. The Oxydales justified that if the Terrenians died once, they would die again, so as punishment they were to live again on Hemonia where Malcius would devour them..

To those on Terrenia, the world of Hemonia has been given many names. Some call it the Afterworld; others have labeled it the realm of the dead. No one speaks the true name of Hemonia, because to speak it may frighten them to death.

Terrenian’s on Hemonia with precious skin had it burnt away by the harsh atmosphere just as the Carbodans. The populous of Hemonia kept growing, and eventually Malcius discovered that they were being siphoned from a new world. The world of the living, called Terrenia.

Malcius vowed to conquer the world of the living as well, not only to spite the Oxydales, but to let them know there would be no place safe for their offspring to hide from him.

After centuries of searching for a way to get into the living world of Terrenia, Malcius has finally heard of six orbs that combine elements of Terrenia. The orbs were placed by the Creator to merge the two worlds together.

When the six orbs merge as one giant gelatinous orb and get thrown into the mouth of the volcano of Burning Eye, it will create a gravitational force to pull Hemonia. The force would be great enough to pull Hemonia into the center of Terrenia merging the two worlds with Hemonia inside of Terrenia.

The orbs were purposely placed on Terrenia, so that only they could cause their own destruction. When the two worlds merge as one the impact will create a chain reaction of giant waves, and dust so thick that it will block out the sun for eons and will kill everything on both worlds leaving only the heavens and a dead Terrenia.

However, Malcius knows that only he would survive, because he is so enormous, powerful, unyielding to death and has survived decades without anything to breathe. He would live to torment whatever new race of people was to inhabit the world.

Untrusting of the competency of Terrenians, the Oxydales combine themselves to create six daughters that would defend and protect the orbs; thus defending the Terrenians from their own destruction. However, as Terrenians, the daughters fell pray to mortality and the conflicts of their emotions; their personal struggles to be good or evil.

The first daughters were twins, split from the same Carbodan. One was bathed in fire at her birth to give her the traits of that element. Her name is Fiera and fiercely defends her orb hidden within the navel or Terrenia.

Her twin Thundra has relinquished the duty of defending her orb in order to guard her people against the threat of a giant Terrenian race. Thundra has given the orb to a giant golden colossus to defend, far better than she ever could.

The third daughter born to defend an orb was named Gail. She is the most free spirited of the six daughters. She is so free spirited that when she found her orb, she traveled the world as defending it by moving it. However, Gail met her demise when she met a collective of hostile primitives and was sacrificed to their God; a wyvern.

The next daughter Serenity defends her orb in a peaceful calm; completely devoid of life and warmth. When she arrived to find the orb, the region had been a thriving paradise, balmy weather and the citizens barely clothed. Serenity froze the entire region in order to defend the orb.

The fifth daughter is Chaotica, who upon finding her orb has taken up residence beneath the oceans of Terrenia. She uses her powers to capsize ships and send harsh weather and hurricanes to all of the nearby lands.

The last sister born is the one that has chosen to live amongst the Terrenians. Not only live amongst them but rule them as their queen! At a young age she married the king of the land and after his death, she has remarried and vowed to take the responsibility of guarding all six orbs with her entire empire defending them.

This is how it has been for almost a generation now. The forces of Malcius try to convince the Terrenians to obtain the orbs. The daughters of Oxydale defend the orbs by slaughtering the Terrenians. And finally the Oxydales keep the balance to the Creator’s master plan for all of the realms and races.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 10:10:02 AM by boe »
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Nice story, but there's a couple of confusing points.


One: If Hemonia and Terrentia was created by the Oxydales, why would the Creator create a way of merging the worlds?

Two: If Malcius' vendetta was against the Oxydales, why is he determined to kill the Terrentians instead of the Oxydales?

Three: If all mortals who die on Terrentia are banished to Hemonia, then who resides on Terrentia? (You made it sound like the inhabitants souls were reincarnated, but if they're sent to Hemonia, who's left on Terrentia?)

Four: Are the inhabitants of Terrentia also Carbodons?


Sorry if these questions seem stupid, but if it helps clear fog for someone like me, maybe they'll clear the fog for others too.




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One: If Hemonia and Terrentia was created by the Oxydales, why would the Creator create a way of merging the worlds?

I thought of that too, but in my own mind. The Creator is a balancer with a pendulum effect. Chaos will become harmony. Many will become one. One will become many. Harmony will become chaos.

Example: The Oxydales are harmonious, when they become one. It creates chaos by making a new being. A chaotic new world is created. Carbodans have powers that can kill Oxydales due to the ignorance of the Oxydales that Hemonia created mutants out of their offspring. Thus balancing out the cosmos. Terrenians are in between them both, and are the ones that can cause them the realms to merge as one.

Two: If Malcius' vendetta was against the Oxydales, why is he determined to kill the Terrentians instead of the Oxydales?

This is another flaw that I thought of while writing it. I did think that I found a way around it. With the gravitational force that would merge the two worlds, it would pull the heavens down into the atmosphere of Terrenia. Merging all 3 realms as one, and being that Malcius would survive, he can kill off the Oxydales on the new planet that is formed from all 3 realms.

Three: If all mortals who die on Terrentia are banished to Hemonia, then who resides on Terrentia? (You made it sound like the inhabitants souls were reincarnated, but if they're sent to Hemonia, who's left on Terrentia?)

2 Oxydales merge to become 1 solid being. That being is sent to Terrenia and becomes a Terrenian. 2 Terrenian's procreate, have babies :-) Thus populating Terrenia so no more Oxydales have to merge to populate Terrenia.

Another thing cause this is an RPG... you do get ressurected by Terrenian priests, brought back to Terrenia from Hemonia.

The inhabitants are reincarnated, but if Terrenia and Hemonia merge as one, and the ash is so thick that if chokes off and freezes the new world no one would exist, even if they do get sent to Hemonia when they die.

Four: Are the inhabitants of Terrentia also Carbodons?

Carbodans and Terrenians are the same. However, when in Hemonia, flesh gets burnt off and the offspring are mutated due to the harsh atmosphere. Terrenia has a good atmosphere, so their skin doesn't get burnt off and their offspring look like them :-) It was my own way of saying norms and ghouls.
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Ah, it makes sense now.

In that case, I wish you luck with your game.  ;)




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I spent an entire day coming up with this and a plotline for a game. I hope most of it made sense, cause I'm going ahead with it :-)
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It does make sense, and you made it clearer by explaining Zylos.

It has to be good ofcourse, you spent a day on it ^_^. Good luck
Arlen is hot.