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[Writing] New Story (don't know the title yet)

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Rep: +0/-0Level 81
GAMING IS FUN!!!!!!!!!! *throws ps3 pad at HD tv*
New story, not sure about the title yet and i'm not feeling the urge to really get into it. So i've decided to show a select few and hear their thoughts on it.
 
NB: ITS IS PURELY FICTION. Just saying. It is all completely made up.
 
H'Enjoy :D lol
PS, objections, corrections etc, can all be pointed out. I will appreciate it a lot :)
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      Funny. I just remembered how little I cared for small things. Even as I stand here, on the top of my former house in, I re-collect on how I could turn a blind eye so easily at things that did not in the slightest affect me. It’s quite funny how things can change.
 
      Glancing behind me, I quickly surveyed the area to determine two things; firstly, that I got my weapons ready to roll and secondly, to make sure I was not been sneaked up on. It was going to be a tiring day after all. I holstered the two guns I had into the holsters at the back of my jeans. They were different, the guns, technically man made, but different. One of the guns was originally a Browning Hi-Power until I got hold of it, after which it became something entirely different. Painted strictly black and gold, it looked like a replica of the guns Nicholas Cage had in Face Off (the movie) only this time, it was exquisitely special. I called it ‘The Gun of the Exorcist’. A long name, I know, but I found it quite cool to say. Its use was, well, to do away with demons; definitely easier said than done.
      The second gun was the killer gun. I hardly used it unless I was in a dire need of saving. It had a kick to it when it released a bullet, even though the bullet was not really even a bullet. Just a plain force of goodness that eliminated demons simply by just even being close their Beings. It was a Colt Anaconda painted pure white and could only be used against demons. Its bullet would pass through a human.
 
      Satisfied that the guns were in their wanted positions, I looked back at the land I was surveying. It laid in ruins; a reminder of the disaster that rocked the world about a year ago. I still remember it clearly. Heck, no survivor would forget it anytime soon. I moved towards the ledge a bit more and sat down, my feet dangling senselessly in the wind. It was not time yet for my act so I figured I could use the free hours to relax and try and cherish the things I could during dark times such as this. Cherish the things I could... Nah! Not possible. All the things I had to cherish got lost in the midst of all the devastation. And I probably could have changed something about it because, oddly enough, I knew about it...
 
      I still remember vividly how it began. It all started with the dreams, the visions, to be more specific. I was camping with some of my friends somewhere near Reading. Not sure where, but it never really bothered me before until the visions began. I slept on one night and had a very strange dream. I knew it was strange because I had a crazy habit of making up my dream before I fall asleep and I knew for a fact that I didn’t make this one up. The dream was quite simple and short but it revealed several images it was almost like a plethora of disturbing pictures. The first picture was the blackening of the sky. The second picture was the fireball that rose above the buildings. The third and most memorable picture was the catastrophe that followed; when the ball of fire fell unto the earth. Every other picture after that was just a flash image of a dead body here and there; kids, adults, young, old, healthy, sick. Everyone and everything that walked the earth was subject to it.
 
      The dreams begin like once a week or something, nothing to be sincerely bothered about. However, if I recall correctly, the first dreams only contained the first 2 pictures. I couldn’t really draw anything from it and besides, I forgot when I woke up. And then, towards the end of our little camping enjoyment, the visions became more frequent, more gruesome...more erratic. I began to have nightmares for the first time since I was a kid. For a week, I was subject to endless tortures of horrid nightmares of deaths that could not be prevented. Oh, it seems like I forgot to explain a bit about the camping. It was a religious camp; Christian, to be more exact. Every year, we all gather to have fun and praise the Lord, you know, like kinda a big youth event towards the end of the year. At the height of my nightmares, I saw the vision that kick-started my journey towards the horror that awaited us all. The vision became much clearer, showing me the fulfilment of events.
 
      First the blackening of the sky was to signify the entrance of an entity or rather entities that normally shouldn’t be on the earth. After which the entity or entities cause the massive balls of fire to rain down on the earth, a prelude, as a sacrifice to bring out something much more. What it was, I was not sure. All I saw in the vision were creatures made of shadow and fire; darkness, rage and uncontrollable hate. The scene changed and next I was on top of a building next to my house. It was a high-rise and it just stood next to the community house I shared with my family. For some odd reason, I knew everyone was at home, having fun and chilling, happy in the community of family. I knew what was going to happen next. I jumped of the high-rise and landed (safely. It was a dream so feats like that were very much possible. I once combined matrix and equilibrum in my dream once. Epic but thats another story) on the landing of the floor my house resided, running with all my might to warn them. I was late...because when I got there and opened the door, all I saw was fire and ashes. The whole building was destroyed by one of the fireballs rained on the earth. And it took my family alongside it.
 
      I remember it was the first time I screamed out loud of the dream. I woke up so quick only to find myself crowded by my fellow room-mates who had taken the initiative to call in the head pastor in charge of the youths in camp. They were standing afar of from me and I noticed why. The bed I was on was burning. I shouted and jumped off it and watch it wink out of existence. My mind was trying to fathom what just happened and then I remembered the vision. I got up quickly and looked towards the Head pastor for help. She looked at me, a bit suspicious but also, wondering what was going on with me. I guess she must have read from my face that I was terribly terrified about something because she asked me to speak about my dream. I immediately recounted the tales of the dreams only for me to clock the issue I was about to face. I remembered the last thing I registered in the dream/vision. The time in the vision was around 6pm and I remembered the date because it so happened to be that very same day. I checked the time and found out it was 4am. I was going home. I had to make sure, I kept repeating, I needed to be sure.
 
      I was able to convince the Head pastor to let me go and she did, even going as far as getting me a ride back home. I was going to be an hour and a half by car. And I was determined to get them out of the house before 6pm.
 
 -------------------------------
3.30pm
 
I awoke from the dreamless sleep I had. We were still on the highway. I checked the time and panicked. It was 3.30pm. I performed a quick mental calculation only to despair more. We had been on the road for about 5 hours now. We left camp at 10am. Pastor wasn’t going to let me leave until I had spoken to my parents. I told them I was coming back home to see them immediately. They asked why but I just said I’ll be there to tell them. I sat upright and looked at my driver and at once felt the urge to start spouting out thanks like there was not going to be a tomorrow...heck, the more I think about it, the more I seem to believe there might not even be a tomorrow. The dreams had unhinged me badly. I couldn’t even think straight without diverting back to the dreams... I had to get home. I don’t care what happens after but I know I have to be home before 6pm... Everyone must think I’ve lost it by now... I don’t care. My intuition is usually on a 50-50 chance but today, I knew for a fact that the gut feeling was an assurance that something was going to happen today and I couldn’t let my family get caught in the effects of it. Family or nothing... that was what I was going with.
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      I still can’t believe I am laughing at the memory of the events that followed. But then, I knew the laugh didn’t exactly come from my heart. It sounded more spiteful, sarcastic even. I remember the faces some of the people I called my friends gave me. Some didn’t even dare to come and console me. After the bed burnt down, I had already been tagged as a demon by some, or better yet, I had been possessed by a demon. It didn’t even worry me. All I knew was I had to get home.
 
      We had been on the road for near 6 hours now. We were still on the highway. We had gotten into London but the holdup was scary. I had never seen a holdup this bad since back in my birth country. And even then, 6 hours was a long time. I remember the driver told me to sit put and stop shaking... I had been fidgeting all through the journey even after I slept and woke up. I remember the sceptical look he gave me. I could tell he didn’t believe all I had said. That was until the sky suddenly went dark. And then the first of the explosions rocked us all alert. Everyone came out of their respective cars and began to panic. No one knew where to run to... We were all just plainly terrified and scared out of our wits.
 
      Returning back to the present, I adjusted my sitting position for a bit and then stood up after the sudden pain shot up my right leg. Cramps; oh I hate them. I walked around for a bit; Jumping, kicking, twisting, attempting to stop the pulling pain in my leg. It subsided after like 15 minutes and then I was back to normal. Walking around a bit more, I glanced towards the direction of the big shopping centre that kept me excited back in the day. I saw what I was looking for; I had been hearing the sounds of its approach anyways. A simple helicopter pulled out from behind the clouds and began its slow decent towards me. I figured it was time for the mission to begin. I did a quick check around to see if I was missing anything. No. I returned back to the ledge and waited till the helicopter was over me. My mate, Ifyy, let the ladder down for me to grab on to. He gave me that excited conserved smile he always seemed to reserve for crazy missions like this. It made me laugh as I grabbed the rope. Usually, this is where I would climb up and join the crew but I wasn’t in the mood for fraternising. The mission had to be done with the littlest complications and so I was already making calculations in my head. It was so going to be a long day.
 
      I kept running through the mission specifications in my head, checking every plan for the chance of a loophole. I couldn’t afford to lose anyone in this mission if I can help it even though I wasn’t even in charge of the mission. I answered to someone else but I felt I might as well to the calculations too. It is way better to be safe than sorry. In the midst of my calculations, some part of my mind drifted back to that fateful day. Sometimes, I wished I could actually forget those moments but then, it is kind of an incentive to waste the demons I encountered.
 
 -----------------------------
4.00pm
Everyone was panicking now. I was too. Just didn’t know how I was showing it. The guy next to me, Driver, got out of the car and I did the very same. With everyone running in all directions, we just stood there for the next few minutes until the next explosion...on the bridge. The heat was so immense I feel it. At that point, the driver grabbed my hand and planned to drag me away. Common sense demanded I follow which I was about to do but then, the dream came back in waves. I wasn’t going to leave my family behind. I yanked my hand back and started running towards the fire. My plan was quite stupid but simple. I could probably die but I wasn’t really concerned. I was going to run through the explosion and find another ride into town. We were outside London after all.
 
The driver wasn’t going to leave me alone, it seemed, because he followed me still. I could hear him yelling at me to come back but I just ignored it. My conscience said I should listen to him but I dismissed it. I got lucky. The fire had surprisingly died down by the time I got to the explosion site; however, I got stunned by immense shock. The amount of people caught in the blast was a lot...enough for me to crumble to the ground. I couldn’t cry but I was filled with despair. The driver got to me and covered his mouth when he saw the site. I think he felt like puking. He pulled me up and told me we need to get off the bridge. This time, I complied and let him lead me away from the scene. I don’t know what happened after that but the driver helped get another ride. I wasn’t paying much attention. I was still running through the images of the mass of bodies disfigured by the 2nd blast.
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      The aim of today’s mission was actually quite simple. Get in, get the person with the blessing/innocence and get out as safely as possible. So basically, it was a recovery mission. The helicopter continued its journey towards our destination...somewhere southeast. I wasn’t even sure myself but I guess the pilot had the directions as to where the person was going to be. I just hoped there were no demons lurking about because they have a nasty habit of jumping out of practically nowhere. It’s just like one minute, its all clear and next, you’re being swarmed by a mass of angry ugly demons. Scary stuff, I can tell you that.
 
      We got to a small village by the countryside. Not much to look at but it surprisingly had a large warehouse. We landed in a clear meadow on top of a hill overlooking the village; needed as much view of the place as possible. The mission specifications noted that the person will be found here. Where the person might be hiding was another case entirely. All the Exorcists got down and we huddled up together. We were 8 in number; 3 majorly attack type, 3 defence type and 2 support. Not surprisingly, I only knew 2 people personally in the group they chose. The Higher ups loved mixing and matching. They seem to believe a group having Exorcist with high proficiency in abilities are much better than a team that work well together due to previous engagements or rather, friendship.
 
      I really didn’t mind anyways. I wasn’t in charge of the mission. I was just a member. The leader was a guy everyone called ‘The Silver-Haired Swordsman’. I never really learnt his real name. I didn’t care that much about it. Rumour had it that he was quite strong and I was ordered to accept his leadership. I agreed. Nonetheless, I made sure to promise myself to watch the way he leads because I kept having a really odd feeling about him. Nothing serious...just felt more like a guy to be cautious of. He was speaking of how we were going to run the mission. 2 of the defence peeps and 1 of the support were going to stay with the pilot and the helicopter and keep them safe from anything. Their main job was to cover that area and keep it demon free when we begin our journey back from the village for extraction. The remaining five of us were going to the village and then going to split up; 2 of the remaining people to go with him while I and ifyy sort ourselves out. He actually said those very words. We just nodded because let’s face it; we could work around each other quite easily.
 
 
      We began our descent down to the village. When we got there, we split up as planned. Ifyy and I chose to go and explore the warehouse area and see what we find. Something was up, I could tell. I just didn’t know what was but I knew something didn’t feel right. Like for example, an empty village doesn’t exactly speak of safety for us. Granted the people most likely ran away but then again, an empty village could also mean something had come to take its place. Hopefully, that was not the case. My mind drifted again for the umpteenth time back to when I got back to London on that fateful day. The mass of dead bodies jarred my memories but it was the silence that got me unnerved. It was a prelude to some great evil or some great bad news but whichever it was, it still wasn’t fun.
 
----------------------
4.45pm
 
Our ride to inside London was immensely bumpy. But the guy that was driving just kept going... He didn’t stop, didn’t pause. He just kept moving on. The guy took me and Driver all the way home or rather to my area before the car engine died. We got down and bid good luck to the fellow. Somewhere in my mind, I prayed the guy stayed safe. We continued our journey by foot, me running at full speed, Driver just tailing behind me. By the time I got to the road adjacent to my house, I think my mind broke. Everything was either burning or burnt down. The building my house was burning and I panicked. It was too early. The vision said 6pm. It was just some minutes past 5 at best. I took off at full speed towards my building. I didn’t even look back to check if Driver was following. I got to the door number of my house and found it broken down. I could feel the fire and I knew by rule I should be burning, suffocating on the fumes or sweating like a mad dog. None of the above occurred. It was like I was protected by something. I didn’t care though. Tears were running down my eyes now. I couldn’t stop them. I kept telling myself that I was cheated...that the vision said 6pm until I saw the clock; the same one from my visions. The clock really did say 6pm. And then it occurred to me what had happened. I misread my vision...
 --------------------------------
 
      I got nudged back into reality by Ifyy. He looked at me and signed to me which meant only one thing; movement. We crouched and flanked each other. Each working our way through the warehouse divided by distance but kept the communication between us clear and silent. Staying close to the extreme left of the warehouse, I felt the wall, placing my hand steadily for balance and also for re-assurance that my mind was focused. It wasn’t the time or place to start day-dreaming again. The warehouse was illuminated slightly by the pale light of the setting sun shining through the blinds at the windows located at the uppermost parts of the building, subtly reflected by the silverware the warehouse seemed to hold.
 
      Walking slowly towards the source of the probable movement, the only source of sound was the wind howling quietly. If I stopped to listen, it’d probably sound ominous and I could tell the sound was somewhere along that line because I felt the quick sharp shivers down my spine. It was about to get rough.
 
      Halfway into the warehouse, Ifyy stopped and looked at me. I signed to him to ask why the action. He signed back faster than I expected and that could only mean two things. First, that the message was urgent and I should probably stop and do a quick survey. Second, was quite simple; Demons. I looked at the direction he pointed at and I felt my heart skip a tirade of beats. It was a higher level demon. This was bad news by all standards simply because demons can track by smell. Some demons actually specialise in tracking and possessed powerfully noses but a constant among all demons was that the higher the level, the better they are at smelling or sensing. So I put 2 and 2 together and figured he most likely knew we were here. That meant that he’s probably waiting for us to try something or he’s got a trap planned.
 
      I didn’t see the point in waiting for instructions, so I whipped out my babies (my guns, sorry) and turned round just in time to see a Winged Sneaker descend on me. I let my hands do the rest, fingers pulling triggers, spinning the guns and so forth as the rest of the demons revealed themselves. I just did everything by instinct; ducked, spun, twisted, dived, punched, shot, everything. I was working overtime based completely and totally on instinct, almost failing to see that the high level demon was moving from where it stood...almost... I got my eyes back on him immediately I saw movement and began to fight my way towards it. I keep saying ‘it’ but to be sincere, ‘it’ looked more like a ‘him’. Higher level demons had a penchant for posing as humans making it easier for them to blend into society and causing havoc and disunity but then again, society wasn’t exactly united anymore ever since that day. Quite ironic that the incident that had the potential of uniting nations ended up being the incident to cause the greatest divisions. Everyone adopted the ‘I’m just doing me’ mentality. Anyways, I managed to escape the swarm of demons in the warehouse, leaving Ifyy to handle it and raced after the High level demon. He was moving much faster now towards the centre of the town, seemingly heading for a small house just close to what I assumed to be the local pub. He stopped just short of the place and turned round to face me.
 
Zsinic.
 
I almost immediately got hit by a reel of memories of how much I hated this demon. I knew him more than I should care to but it was all that seemed to hold me together. He was the cause of a lot of misfortunes I had faced and he might just be the first living thing I could actually say I hated.
 
“Hatred is feels amazing, doesn’t it?” He called out to me, smiling.
 
I don’t answer. I try to arrange my feelings back into order. Control was key in dealing with this demon and I knew that much.
 
“Come on, don’t hold it in... Let it out! Show me some anger, show me some hate...” He kept going.
 
He began to move backwards a step at a time and I followed a step at a time knowing full well that he was either trying to bait me or he was trying to do whatever he came to do and run off. In the midst of all of the drama, I suddenly remembered by mission specs. The innocent stuck in the village was priority. According to the specifications, she was a pure one blessed with a gift also. She wasn’t on any side yet. It made sense that a demon would be sent to covet and convert. He was still going on about how I should give in to the hate I was feeling within but I ignored all that and activated the beeper to the entire remaining Exorcists lurking around the village. I needed help and I wasn’t ashamed to say it.
 
      After a few seconds, I got no reply and my heart rate spiked. Zsinic noticed the change in my actions and began to laugh before disappearing in a wisp of black smoke. I rushed back to the warehouse and found Ifyy still going on with the soldier demons. I joined him and cleaned the warehouse of the infestation. I told him a brief summary of what transpired between me and the High level demon and advised we get back to the Helicopter. We made our way back there only to find it empty.
 
Our so called team had left us.
 
I hate dejection...
 
Especially when it comes from the people regarded as allies. Here was I...stranded alongside my mate practically in the middle of nowhere. I say nowhere because we didn't know where we were.
 
My friend and I did a quick survey of the surroundings. We wanted to be sure that we weren't just making a wrong assumption but in this case, they really did leave us.  Ifyy began to smile for some odd reason. Reading his face, I kind of got the gist of the smile. He wasn't in the least bit impressed and that smile was more of a "revenge is going to be sweet" smile.
 
I just bent my head down for a bit and closed my eyes. I had to think of a way out from this mess.
 
Ifyy nudged me and pointed towards the village below us. I followed the direction he was pointing at until I saw what he was trying to show me. A small girl, guessing around the age of 10, was running for her life. She was being chased by a Slither Demon.
 
*****
“Slither demons are ugly things. Towering about 10feet in height, they have four massive arms and a scaled body. Their lower bodies were replaced with the lower body of a serpent. Their face was where the terror they enacted came from. They actually don't really have a face but rather changing faces. Except in their case, a look at their face(s) encases the victim in an ethereal vision of their worst nightmare.”
 *****
 
Ifyy was on his way down before me and I followed almost immediately. I shouted to him to take the girl and find cover while I'll draw the Slither Demon away from her. He made his way down and grabbed her, and dived towards the shade of one of the small houses by the side. He was just in time too because the demon had lunged and just missed by metres. I shot the demon just by the side of its head to get its attention. It seemed to work because it howled in pain and then smacked me aside with its lower body...or tail...whichever.
 
I smashed into one of the deserted cars on the road; my breath knocked out of my lungs. I was disoriented for a moment before instinct told me to duck left which I did watching as its tail smashed the car. I rolled away and began to shoot. It had to go down before I saw its face. Taking the white gun from my right holster, I aimed at the demon and pulled the trigger. The demon dodged in time and before I could release another shot, looked at me.
 
Its face changed...
 
...And suddenly I was back in my house, watching an endless clip of my family having fun until the first explosion and then the ball of fire smashing into my house and destroying all I hold dear. With every repeat it felt more and more like I was dying over and over again. Hot tears streaming down my face, I kept trying to warn them to leave the house totally oblivious to the fact that I had no effect to the events. My soul dying, I raised my voice thinking that the louder I shout, they'd hear me but that didn't work either. And at that point I lost hope and crumpled to my knees...
 
...BANG! The sound was so loud it made me blink, the scene changing back to the Slither Demon thrashing about just as a dying serpent would. As the thrashing died down, the demon's tortured soul ebbing away back to the depths of Hades; I tried to stand but instead fell down and blacked out.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 09:33:11 AM by boe »
one does not just simply walk into Mordor

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You know, I think its all gonna be okay.
For going the distance for a balanced breakfast.Project of the Month winner for June 2009For being a noted contributor to the RMRK Wiki2013 Best WriterSilver Writing ReviewerSecret Santa 2013 Participant
The content has potential. The pseudo-religious demon world setting reminds me of Constantine, one of my favorite movies.

I was distracted from enjoying the material because of the host of grammatical errors in the writing. I understand that it was an attempt at style, but it gets rather confusing- readable only after the second go at certain passages, and that does not lend itself to a smooth, quick read.

On the other hand, the story layout was good, except for the sudden explanation of the Snake Demon. It kinda made me think Pokedex. I think that if you worked the descriptions into your paragraphs from the point of view of the protagonist it would flow better.

Additionally, the descriptions of the Exorcist classes were short and not informative. I'm sure though, that if handled properly in later chapters, they would make sense, or you could try to describe them differently.

Altogether, I think it needs some editing and revision before it can really shine like you want it to.
:tinysmile:

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Rep: +0/-0Level 81
GAMING IS FUN!!!!!!!!!! *throws ps3 pad at HD tv*
Thanx for that... I really appreciate it. Most of the mistakes I have seen. I am trying to do something my friend suggested, about writing the whole story first and then going back to do editing and revision before i think of publishing. Nonetheless, I really appreciate the honesty and criticism :-)
one does not just simply walk into Mordor