I have a funny joke...

This is from Pete and Brian (youtube)

So a priest a Rabbi, and a SHaman walk into a bar...

except there isnt a Rabbi or a Shaman...

And its my 8th birthday.

...and im being molested by the priest...
..whos my dad. WHo isnt a priest.


My dad molested me.

That's not really that funny....

This is a pretty funny joke I guess:

A married man took a solo trip to Bermuda that was part work.
He fell so inlove with the place, that he called his friend and said: "Take the next plain here with your mistress!"
The friend said: "Your wife and I are arriving at 4:30 PM, but hopw long have you known about us?"

Lame.

Ok, here's a cannibal joke:

Oh so funny!

Three men lost in a jungle were captured by Cannibals. The cannibal king told the men they could live if they successfully under took a trial. The first step of the trial was for each to go into the forest and collect ten pieces of fruit of the same kind. So they all took their separate ways. The first came back with ten apples.
"You have to shove the fruits up your ass with out an expression for making a noise, and if you do, you will be eaten!"
The first mas shoved one apple up his ass, on the second one he winced, and was eaten by the cannibals.
The second man came back with ten berries. He inserted the first nine without making a sound or an expression. But on the tenth, he burst into laughter.
Before he was eaten, the cannibal king asked him: "You got nine up, but why did you laugh on the last one?!?!"
The man replied: "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"

Ok, one last cannibal joke:

A french man, an english man and a new yorker were captured by cannibals.
The king said: "You will be killed, eaten and your skin will be used for canoes, but I will aske you how you want to die."
The French asked for a sword and yelled "Vive la france!" before plunging it into his heart.
The english man asked for a gun and yelled "Long live the queen!" and then blew his brains out.
The new yorker asked for a fork, and started stabbing himself all over until he had many holes in him and was pouring blood. The cannibal king asked: "Why are you doing that to your self?"
"There goes your god damned canoe!" Yelled the new yorker.

LOL!

I heard the first, but it had to do with a farmer's daughter...

The second one is great 

I know, isn't it?

I couldn't stop laughing the first time I heard it. 

That's neat Mexento.

Got this from a random newspaper jokey part:-

A famous Hypnotist had a show. Many people were there to watch it. The hypnotist took out his pendulum thingy and started rolling it.
The people were getting the effect.
The Hypnotist told them to stand, they stood, he told them to jump, they jumped. But the pendulum suddenly fell out of his hand, and he said, "SHIT!"
And it took 3 days to clean the stage.

Lol. That's a funny one. I also like the first cannibal one. I need to find some more jokes to tell...

This is a long one, but I find it pretty good.


A woman was cheating on her husband with Peter on a rainy day. From down stairs, they heard the front door open and her husband's voice.

"Quick, jump out of here from the window! He has a gun and a bad temper!" The woman exclaimed to Peter.

In panic, Peter quickly grabbed his clothes by the arm and hopped out of the window. There happened to be a marathon going on, so he quickly blended in the middle of the runners.

Eventually, the runners started questioning him.

The first runner asked, "Do you always run naked?"
Peter answered, "Yes, it makes me feel so free!"

The another runner then asked, "Do you always run with your clothes under your arm?"
"Yes, that way I can put them back on fast after the run."

"Do you always run with your condom on?" Questioned the third runner.
"No," Peter answered. "Only when it's raining."

Pretty funny.

nice.

A old marred couple are in bed and the woman asks for oral, the man says yes and goes down, after a few seconds he comes back up and says ' thats disgusting, what the hell' the woman looks down and replys 'i have arthritis'

the man looks amazed 'how do you get that there'
'i don't, i have it in my arms, its hard to wipe your ass when you cant move your arms properly'   

 
It's funny...but disgusting

I didn't get it.

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Kinda of nasty but i am sure you all are grown men!

A old marred couple are in bed and the woman asks for oral, the man says yes and goes down, after a few seconds he comes back up and says ' thats disgusting, what the hell' the woman looks down and replys 'i have arthritis'

the man looks amazed 'how do you get that there'
'i don't, i have it in my arms, its hard to wipe your ass when you cant move your arms properly'   

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Kinda of nasty but i am sure you all are grown men!

I don't get either of them....

I got the second one but not the first. 

I'm guessing for the second one, it was talking about a girl's private part?

Aye!

Here is another one:

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

and for the ladies

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

That was on ebaumsworld, too. ><

85% of men masturbate in the shower.
15% sing.
What song do they sing?

Spoiler for:

I didn't think you would know.

Well, I can't say that's not totally stupid, but I don't get the last part, is it saying that they don't sing?

Well, I can't say that's not totally stupid, but I don't get the last part, is it saying that they don't sing?

It's saying your on of the ones who masturbate rather then sing. That's why you don't know what the song is.

I find that funny how the joke was directed at guys yet they didn't get it but DS did. >_>

OH!!! I GET IT! 
But, no, I sing Jamiroquai, or some band like Kinky. (I know, ironic. But they're a techno ish group)

I just fall asleep...

in the shower? what?

I have no regrets not knowing that song