The way your brain works in a stressful situation is pretty simple. It tries to lock in on something familiar. It does this, because if the entirety of the horrid predicament that you've entered into is acknowledged, the brain can do some pretty terrible things to the body. The major concern is being internally drowned in chemicals that could make you numb. I don't mean just "fell asleep on your arm" numb. I mean that you're pretty much a mannequin. If this happens, nobody wins. If you freeze, then what was all this for?
The trick is to focus on the details. This way the brain feels safe. It feels like it understands. After all, we need to keep that big bundle of nerves and cords happy. If we don't, it just might kill us. And if it doesn't, well, let's face it: we'd still be of no use to anyone.
"The barrel of the gun is tangled in her hair."
Now there's something I can work with. A straight forward problem, with a cut and dry solution. And look at that! The brain's favorite tool can be used: A list!
Step 1 - Clear away excess hairs so that the trouble spot can be located.
Step 2 - Carefully untangle the errant follicles.
Step 3 - Suppress gag reflex.
Of course, in this state, she probably wouldn't even notice if I yanked the fucker out. But I don't mean to be crude. After all, one shouldn't speak ill of the dead. Especially when the dead occupy the same room as oneself. The same bed. The same crib.
I promise I'm not crazy. I'm not a psychopath. She was injured, and the baby... Well, the baby was just too damn much for me to handle alone. I didn't even want a kid until the end, and even then I knew that there was no chance at a normal family life. The world was just going to be different. I had to look after myself. You understand?
If you're wondering if I cried, the answer is no. Sure, details can help with some of the insanity, but a bit still creeps through. It seeps into the cracks and hardens, becoming nearly impossible to scrub off. Still, through all of this, I find comfort in knowing that they won't have to see what comes next. I have a feeling it isn't going to be much fun.