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[Writing] Unrequited

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“Elise, do you know why you're here?”
“Yes, because you need my help.”
“That's right. Can you remember what we need your help with?”
“I'm being stalked, and you need me to tell you what happened so that you can put him away.”
“Ok, Elise, take me through this, from the beginning”

Elise stopped to check her reflection in the store front and casually glanced over her shoulder. He was there again, across the street staring at her. Should she call for help? And to what end? If someone came, by the time she explained that she was being followed and tried to point the man out, he would be gone. And she would look like a fool again. She was tired of looking like a fool; not this time.

She turned on her heel and headed on to work. She would stay where people were. After all of this time being followed she knew how to avoid him. She knew how to keep well ahead and stay in groups so that he lost her and she only caught a glimpse of him here and there.

The first time she'd noticed him had been on the bus. He was actually quite striking and she was taken with him. His blue eyes were framed with long dark lashes. His hair was the color of midnight and continued down along his jaw in a days worth of stubble. Which only made him more attractive in her eyes. She had been headed to work when he'd asked if he could sit beside her.  He was dressed in slacks and a sweater and would have been at home in a board room or in front of a classroom and she just couldn't get a read on him.

“I'm Matt”

His cologne had wafted over her and she still rememberd that smell. Though now it didn't bring back the pleasant memories of anticipation it had in the beginning. Now when the scent found her, it terrified her. He had seemed so normal and they'd talked about silly little things. A baby that was crying a few seats up and how the mom seemed so distraught. The beautiful weather they were having. All too soon her stop had come up and she'd gotten off the bus. Their interaction had been brief but the spark had been mutual. She'd felt an instant conneciton with him and knew he longed to meet her again as well. 

Later that day when she'd taken the bus back home she was anticipating seeing him again, but he wasn't there.  It was a week later as she stopped for her morning coffee that she bumped into him again.  She was standing in line digging through her purse for her wallet when she sensed a presence beside her and the scent of his cologne drifted past her. “Well hello there” his voice had come to her deep and throaty, and his smile lit the room.

They had chatted for a few minutes and she'd learned that he was indeed a teacher and that he had taken that particular bus because he was returning from visiting his elderly parents.  And then they'd parted ways again, still without exchanging numbers. Elise had spent the rest of that day in a daze, daydreaming about him. She now knew that the only time he was in her part of the city was when he was visiting his parents. This saddened her because she wanted to see him more and see where this.. this whatever she was feeling led.

Their paths had crossed a few more times. Always for a moment, but when one saw the other they would smile and say hello.  But then things began to change. As she was walking home from work one day she had bumped into him coming out of the deli she frequently stopped at for dinner.  He had given her a look of frustration as he pushed past her and rushed away.  She'd thought that odd but had pushed it out of her mind. Probably just a coincidence.

Then she began seeing him randomly. Once she caught a glimpse of him staring at her as she went by on the bus. She'd smiled and waved but the vacant stare he had given her had chilled her to the bone. Elise had seen him several more times over the course of the next week. A few times even bumping into him at the coffee shop and deli. When she'd tried to strike up a conversation with him he'd dismissed her rudely.

She wondered why he was suddenly in this area so often. She considered this her part of the city and she knew he didn't live here. And why did he suddenly seem so cold to her when he had been so friendly on that first day? Then one night she had noticed him walking down her block and he'd stopped in front of her apartment building and looked up towards her apartment. She had been staring out the window just contemplating her life as she often did. A shiver of fear that she couldn't explain had run down her spine.   

After that she'd become more vigilant about keeping up with him. They had never again bumped into each other long enough to have a conversation. But she had spotted him over and over again somewhere near her.  Elise couldn't pinpoint at exactly what point she had gone from interested in Matt to terrified of him. Maybe it was the vacant stare she caught him so often looking at her with. Whenever she'd see him across the street or in one of her favorite places and she caught his eye it always seemed as if he were looking through her, not at her. 

The first time she had called the police was after she had seen him outside her apartment for the third time. This time he hadn't been right in front of it but just down the street and she was really starting to be afraid of him. She told herself that she was being silly, but she couldn't shake the feeing in the pit of her stomach that told her something was wrong. 

By the time the police arrived he was gone and all she could tell them was that his name was Matt... something. And that he had been following her. She knew what the cops were thinking. They would follow her too. She wasn't being conceited. Her mom was a supermodel and she had the misfortune of inheriting her good looks. Her appearance had been her burden to bear her whole life. Good looks only brought you more attention. And attention was something that Elise tried to avoid. She'd gotten that from her father.

The second time she called the cops she had been walking to the bus stop and seen him inside a shop as she passed.  She'd quickened her pace when she heard the bell above the door jingle just afer she had passed it.  Glancing over her shoulder she confirmed that, sure enough, he was behind her. She had quickly ducked into a market hoping that he would go on. But he had followed her inside. Every aisle she went down, he was there.

The police had come at her call and she had pointed him out.  He'd seemed surprised when they asked him to step outside for a moment and she'd watched from inside as his face registered shock and incredulity. He'd spoken to the police for just a brief moment and then they had let him go. One of the officers had even shook his hand!  They came inside and told her that he had just been out getting a few things he needed. And that she didn't have to worry, he wasn't stalking her.  She pointed out the fact that he lived on the other side of town, why would he be shopping here?  Near her place? They told her he was staying with his parents, and that she shouldn't be so paranoid. 

“Elise, tell me about the last time that you saw Matt.”

She had been at the market and he was there, again, always. She had finally realized that the only person who could help her, the only person who could save her, was her.  So she had walked right up to him and asked, “What do you WANT from me?  Why are you following me?”  He had quickly turned and walked away and she had followed him. And when he began to run, so did she. Not this time, he wasn't going to get away this time. 

“Do you remember anything else after that?”
“Not really, I just remember that I wasn't going to let him get away”

“Ok Elise, I'll be right back.  Relax for a minute”

Dr. Carl March softly closed the door behind him and shook his head. 

“She still believes that he was the one stalking her. She's created a world where she's beautiful and wanted. And the man the she wants desires her as much as she does him.”

Tara Pleid, District Attorney stared through the glass partition at the girl inside. She was plain with indistinct features. Her limp hair hung over pale brown eyes which were set apart by a small nose that would have been cute, but for the way it upturned making her look much like a pug. Her mouth was small and mishapen and her cheeks were plump and round. She wasn't an ugly girl, as much as she was just plain, nondescript.

 “How is Matt handling all of this?”

“He's ok,” Tara replied, “he is still helping care for his father. They don't know how long it will be now. He just wants this whole mess behind him. He said if his father hadn't been sick he never would have met her.”

“She seems to think he was in love with her from the start”

“Maybe because he was the first person to ever be kind to her?  That's just how Matt is, he's a caring person. He first bumped into her when he was on his way to take his father to the doctor. After they received the diagnosis he was shaken to the core. That was the first time he brushed her off. He said he wasn't trying to be rude or mean. He had stopped by the deli to pick dinner up for his family and he had a lot on his mind. Every time he saw her after that she would try to include herself in whatever he was doing. Once early on he had mentioned the he was considering moving to the city. He wanted to be closer to his parents so he could help out. Elise had recommended her neighborhood. But he soon realized she was infatuated with him and that living near her would probably not be a good idea. The more he tried to distance himself from her, the more obsessed she became. He doesn't want to see her hurt. He said she seems like a really sweet person. But a really troubled one. ”


“Well tell him not to worry. Elise is going to be here with me for a long time.”
« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 09:25:06 AM by boe »

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1,888 words. I'm under the limit :mad: 


Critique my friends~

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Holy wow, that's a freaken awesome twist. o.o I wish I could have written more, but I'm in a bit of a rush. ;_;

Also, what genre would you like me to put this under? ^_^


Things I liked

Okay, first of all, I really love the plot twist at the end. It really did turn the whole thing upside down. Wow. o.o

I also really like how you explained the reasoning behind everything he did. It was a very practical story, with a believable scenario. The characters were presented in a way that is very believable, as well. You also use a fair amount of detail, not too much or too little!

The ending was simply perfect - down to the cut-and-dry line stated by the doctor. I have absolutely no qualms with the ending line and couldn't have done it better myself!


Critique

There were a couple minor grammar errors, but nothing serious at all! B) I could still read it without a problem! But, I was a little put off by the large paragraphs, but that's more of a personal preference, so it's not really something you should have to change. :)

Everything was sort of spelled out for us at the end, which I originally didn't really like, but with some thought, I think it totally worked out. B) After all, the story is a bit more practical - so, I think a direct approach was sufficient!
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I couldn't decide whether I should spell it out or leave it hanging honestly. I kinda like things spelled out for me sometimes, so I went with it lol~  Please point out the grammatical errors so that 1) I can correct them and 2) I can learn from them :D 

I have no idea what genre this would be lol mystery?  no clue xD

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I think it would probably fit Obsession, but Mystery could work, too. B) Whichever one you prefer!

Whenever I get back from the store, I'd be happy to go through and do some editing work! B)
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actually obsession is what I was going for so let's do that lol Thank you miss!

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 - What I liked
        I knew where I was. I was never floating in space.
        Matt sounds cute, he is now my husbando.
        Fast pace, but not rushed.
       
 - : o
        Wall of text. Maybe break of the paragraphs a bit. :x
        Maybe some commas? They're fun.

 - Other stuff I liked
        I could feel it going somewhere, but the ending wasn't obvious or stupid.
        I like the sandwich story thing here, Present->Past->Present.
        Matt sounding cute is something that hasn't stopped being a thing, he is now my husbando for sure.


._. I'm really bad at thinking of good things to say, if your story had sucked I would have a paragraph of text here, but I'm really bad about telling somebody what I liked.


Edit: Also, people with Ys in their name should use IRC. I hear it's good for their memory or something, and eyesight.
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Ok the common theme I'm catching is you guys don't like big blocks of text lol I've been told before that I am really good at writing a "wall of text" lol  So I broke it up a bit more. Thanks for the comments guys! I promise I will try my best to review your works soon. It's really easy for me to read someone's work. I have a hard time judging lol

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actually obsession is what I was going for so let's do that lol Thank you miss!

I'll be sure to add it to the Challenge thread! ^_^

Maybe some commas? They're fun.

Actually, that was basically the only grammar problem I found with it. ;_; Just needed a couple more commas, and that's all! ^_^

Edit: Also, people with Ys in their name should use IRC. I hear it's good for their memory or something, and eyesight.

Who...me? Aww, shucks!

I have to go to Malson's house soon, so I'm about to be driving. ;_; Also, have school early tomorrow, so I can't keep any promises. ;_;
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This was an incredible story!
As Lord Stark said, it was short, detailed, but not rushed at all. I had no way of being lost in the story at all, and I never had to wonder.

I like the twist at the end also - third story today that took me by surprise! XD

There was a few grammatical areas, but I'm not overly concerned with that after how well the story itself went. It wasn't enough to throw me off into a petty mess, so that's aces. ^^



If I had to rate it on a scale, I'd give it 8/10. Superb!
I love psychological stuff anyhow. ;]

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Gee thanks!


You guys are really sweet!  Please feel free to point out any errors you see. I have proofread this thing about 10 times. At this point I can no longer see them lol  And I obviously didn't see them in the first place. I'd really like to learn something from this :ladyj:

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The whole "being followed" concept is one of the most haunting around, in my book, and I think this story captured it pretty well! Another thing I found quite fascinating was the irony about having feelings for the 'stalker'; I don't really see that often in any story, and it really gave Elise a surprising amount of depth in that regard.

The ONE thing, though, is the way 'ok' is spelled; it's really just a nitpick, but I'm personally a bit too used to it being spelled 'okay' in fictional stories. But again, it's not really a flaw by any means, and it didn't detract from the story.

Great job, ma'am!

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Shoot why did I wait so long to start posting on all these stories o.o

I actually love the story! I kept wondering why he was so cold while being the stalker, then at the end I was like "Oohhh!"

The only thing I think is kind of funny is how the District Attorney talks as though shes knows him pretty well with the statement
"That's just how Matt is"
but it kind of adds more back story for me to imagine :p

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LadyJ: do you still need me to go through a look for grammar stuff? :) It might take me a bit to get around to it, since I got a lot of catching up to do, but I'm always happy to help! ;)
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Yes ma'am.  No rush, just whenever you get the chance to! 

Edit: One thing I wish I had done is ended it sooner. There was so much I wanted to say and I felt like the ending was kinda rushed because I was trying to get it in there within the 2000 word limit.  If I had it to do over I probably would have ended it sooner and then continued it in another short story. 
« Last Edit: March 25, 2014, 10:10:52 PM by Baroness Jules »

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I like it. The twist at the end was simple and believable, yet it was unexpected. Overall the pacing was done really well and I don't have any strong criticisms, there were a few things that were personally not my taste, however. Not to say that these are necessarily flaws or that they are singular to your story alone.

We have the little intro up there (which I almost feel would be better left out, I'm not sure), and then we have the recounting of what happened that follows. However, even though Elise is being told to start from the beginning, that is not where we start. We start somewhere in the middle, it seems, with her already being "stalked" by Matt for however long by this point. And then we get to the first time she had met Matt. Because of the two preceding paragraphs, it makes it seem like a recounting within a recounting. Besides that, I personally dislike when stories do the "tell me everything that happened" but then we go into flashback mode. I get the point, because if it were really one character telling the other what happened for a long period of time then it gets dull and there's no sense of urgency because it's set in the past rather than taking us to the past and making it "present". There's no real way around that, I know, and it's certainly no fault of your own or anything you should worry about, just a bit of rambling.

Other than that, until the end everything goes smoothly and is told really well. And again, the twist is done well, but after that it feels very rushed (which you already mentioned). Or maybe not rushed, but, especially the last paragraph before the final sentence, feels very much like "HERE'S EXPOSITION BECAUSE WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" rather than being told in a more interesting way.

I have to go now, so this was typed rather quickly but hopefully I made sense lol
:tinysmile:

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Not bad at all, Lady!

The Good: Visual descriptions of the characters were very complete. I had no trouble seeing them in my head, and description is essential in most forms of storytelling.

The scene you set up was pretty flawless, only to have it turned upside down at the end. The fantasy that Elise had made was complete to every important detail, and that makes the twist believable. I had no doubts that she was a nutjob by the end.

The story required a second read to find the nuances that were to clue the reader in to ELise's mental illness. It's often difficult to hide a twist and still have the reader believe that the main character is in control, and you did it very well. Once you know, you can plug them in rather easily, and that fosters verisimilitude- again, essentail in storytelling. I found myself saying, "Ooohhh, so THAT'S why that happened!" in the second read- through.

The Bad: Unfortunately, when a plot twist is waiting to happen, writers tend to make the story a little dry because even though WE know what lurks around the corner, the reader doesn't nessecarily. I would have tossed in a few flaws to her fantasy world. Even then however, one needs to be very careful not to break the illusion of normalcy for the afflicted character, and you didn't do that... so all in all, not a big deal.

Since Matt was supposed to be a little afraid of Elise, I would have had him try to move away from her rather than look trhough her. Since he is a polite guy, I think hard looks confuse the character development (as much as can be had in 2k words or less; this is hard to do). Again, not done badly, but could be fine-tuned in a future project with similar themes.

The Ugly: Not much to say here. While the punctuation was incorrect in sever instances, it didn't take away from the story to the point where I said "who worte this, a five-year-old?" It also did not make the message unreadable; I knew where you were going with everything you wrote. That's more thasn I can say for some professional work I've read.

As you said yourself, the ending was rushed, I think you understand what made it feel that way, so no further analysis needed. Again, with <2000 words, it's hard to fit everything in!

It seems to me that you have a love for storytelling, and as a reader you know what you want out of a story. That's good, because you can then give it to your audience when it is you telling the story.

I'd nominate this piece for a compilation. I enjoyed it!
« Last Edit: March 26, 2014, 04:51:50 AM by EvilM00s »
:tinysmile:

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* Baroness Jules blushes from her toes to the tip of her head


I.. I don't know what to say except thank you!  I'm working on my punctuation. Apparently I have a fear of commas xD  lol

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Jules.

You rock and this story was awesome. I loved it!

Internet high fives.

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That means a lot coming from you! Thanks <3