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[Writing] The beginning of it all....

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When the wind blows.......
I've been thinking of making a game or series of games based off this little story, lets say it's more likely to be the beginning story if anything. I just wanted to get an idea of what you guys think of the actual story itself, should i make a game off it, what if anything is wrong with the idea of the story for a game, is it worth it?

Spoiler for:
The night gleamed with fireflies, with such ardor; Slue moved forward, he couldn’t be in this accursed place too long. Accursed, interesting description he thought, considering this was the holy land, the land of the gods.
The walls adorned with expensive fabrics and fragranced so strongly you would almost think the aroma was forever emitted like an endless power. Power, indeed he thought what would happen if he encountered a guard, he was moving quite fast and efficiently so far, cutting cross vegetation and reaching heights he didn’t believe he could reach, but he couldn’t slow down the risk was too great, not a soul had caught onto his presence , not yet at least… What if he encountered a god, oh what an interesting encounter that would be, he has never seen a god up close before, but even he knew he couldn’t fight a god and they will most likely kill him on the spot or drag him alive, label him a heretic, kill him publically making life for his already struggling family much harder.
   He stopped, on the third tower around the basilisk over looking the Obsidian Library. The air was bitingly cold now, as his realization at his stupidity. He knew why he came here, he knew it was morally wrong but he just wanted make it right for his family at least. But at what cost, they barely survive with him, but without him, he couldn’t let mind consider the thought. Yes, Slue had made a dangerous decision indeed, he had decided to infiltrate and raid the largest basilica of the gods.
He couldn’t fathom how these all knowing gods didn’t know what he was currently planning, maybe their amazing powers are all show, he smiled ,  he didn’t fear godly judgment or any judgment for that matter, he tired of the pointless worship and “receive blessing s” system, where they would worship and give their thanks and lives for what? Nothing but a plate of rice and you should be thankful. While the privileged families rule and get almost endless blessings.
 It was a sad life for him a Messotophian.  At the end of the day all the beings on this blessing abyss of a world, whether it be the Utopians, Krylmians, Raganork, Arrogania and Zrrogania.  Most of their populous was like him they had to live day by day, not sure what the future held. He rose cautiously, remembering what drove him here, if death be his faith so be it, he was not going to die not trying, it was too late for that. He peeked on the ground below for assurance, checked all angles, when he felt it was safe…
The wind was loud and has he neared the landing it got louder, he almost couldn’t hear the shouts, the alarms being raised, they caught on to his figure slivering thought the night quicker than he thought they would, his heart was louder still the noise was deafening, he closed his eyes has he leaped and propelled his self off the ledge. It become silent, but it was for a moment, eyes open he landed on the other side, on top the Obsidian Library were legend foretold the greatest treasure existed. Before he could compose him self, a loud noise shocked him but not as much as the explosion, he was sent flying half way across the roof. He was hurt but lucky as he dusted out the flames and ran with his slightly singed body. This was the power he feared would end him, power over the elements, it was deadly indeed, only gods alone can do it, but he ignored that thought.
Down the chimney and though the halls he ran with not a thought of what lured behind. But he could hear the horrid Celeritous on his tale, it almost seemed pointless he wasn’t going to get out of this but he kept on.
He was lost in directions, has he was in thoughts, until he ran into a dead end room, he turned to leave but the closeness of the fanged cretins sent him to the wall next to the  door. The door edged open to see the nose of the beast; it scanned the room for a while, then it departed. He waited until there ruckus was far away from his location, before he breathed easily.
Examining his surroundings he noticed something strange it wasn’t easily visible, but it was a door within the wall, under all the dust, not everyone would have noticed it, the creases were very tight against the surrounding wall. Maybe if he could…as his force was laid upon the door it moved forward, startling him, he pushed further moved around the mass, he caught sight of the inside.

Only the thin walkway was there, every other part of the floor was 200 feet under. The shining yet dark stone wall made a enigmatic impression on Slue.

He graced his eyes with the object lying in the middle of the room and pedestal, was it valuable? It was strange, it pretty much looked like a piece of paper, but the writing on it glowed brightly, it had a weird but powerful pull on Slue. He picked it up, he looked at the writings it was written in Holik, a old almost forgotten language, that he knew, he remember his grandmother used to drill it into him. He laughed, those days.
If he was reading right it was an agreement of some kind he wasn’t one for reading so he skimmed though it then read the last line he didn’t know what it meant thou….wait, was he losing it, as a myriad of scents arose, it swept him aback, “Slue, help me” “Slue” “Slue!” voices, where were they coming from, who were they? His sight began to betray him he was seeing many things around him, too much in fact, he couldn’t absorb it, he closed his eyes but could hear the world of voices in his head again , the sounds of war and joy, smell the bouquet of fruits to the grime of decaying bodies. What was happening to him, what can of sorcery was this!?
In all his confusion he dropped the paper it was dissipating now, until it became nothing.  Then the pain came, he screamed, the room is enveloped in light, striking the sky on this once quiet night broken by the screams of a fool who will gain a burden no one should bear. This light reached the apex of what was suppose to be heaven.  It poured rain that night as the light stroked the sky seemed trivial regular people supposed, they had other problems the light was not their concern.
The screaming was enough but when guards reach the chamber they are greeted with blinding light, and no sign of Slue…The morning was calm and normal as such, dew on the grass as such, birds chirping as such, animals feeding on their daily diet as such, except for Slue lying on the grass patch, other than that everything was normal.
Slue was awoke for a while now, not sure how he got here though, but he realized that he saw things, heard things and he wasn’t sure what to do with these visions or apparitions. It was so vivid it was like he was almost there, or maybe he was? He was felt like he was dragged though eras of events and possible events all related our world in a way. He wasn’t sure but he thought he saw the past, present and possible future , indeed it was insanity to think these things but its too real to ignore, considering it would probably now become his responsibility, and that if what he saw and heard was right the future wasn’t as bright as the god’s make it out to be. On a another the note, that power that the god’s wield they call it divine wielding, but in reality it was named Hexjinamas (hexjin for short) and it wasn’t the privilege of gods, every being of the original 50 races can use this power. Could that be so, it was a hard thing to believe, but his visions said that it was so. There was so much information in his brain that he needed to evaluate; this would take a long time indeed. For now he would see if this power is really generic among the masses.  He would start with himself, even now some of the voices return to guide him, and it is an ongoing ability it seems, yes he would use it. Maybe he is mad, oh well might as well go with the wind…
« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 09:32:05 AM by boe »
Life Is just as clear

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For going the distance for a balanced breakfast.Project of the Month winner for June 2009For being a noted contributor to the RMRK Wiki2013 Best WriterSilver Writing ReviewerSecret Santa 2013 Participant
I almost read "It was written in Holk..."

Well, lemme sum up. Your writing has potential, but unfortunately your english skills are slightly weak. I'm picking up on your story, but the grammar (not so much the spelling) make the story hard to read. There are many run-on sentences and incorrect tenses used in the text, mistakes which- as I say- make it VERY difficult to read.

On the other hand, the material itself is interesting, if not as entertaining as it could be if it had more description. The layout of all the information you're trying to include is a bit off-putting, but I do think that it's all information the reader will need to enjoy the story. If you could somehow out the names of the gods and the peoples somewhere closer to the beginning I think the story would benefit.

Similarly, break your paragraphs down! You seem to write in natural paragraphs, but the text does not reflect this.

I do encourage you to work with this, fix the errors and breathe some real life into it. Just know that if you choose to make a game based on this passage, you'll need to condense a lot of it into a readily accessible history for the player to follow.
:tinysmile:

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When the wind blows.......
I see, thanks, i'll keep at it.
Life Is just as clear