[Writing] From Worry To Love

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Genre: Love

Word Count/Short Description: 496. Much shorter than my previous works, due to the story having a completely different plot in a completely different setting. The mood is also much more optimistic.


Story
Spoiler for:
I finally managed to obtain my paycheck after what seemed like a fourth of a year of working at the plant. It was plenty of money for a cruise; adding to the hundreds I'd been saving prior, it was enough for the cruise to the Bahamas I wanted to take my wife on for years.

Then I received a call from my friend, stating that I forgot to pay him for the TV I'd accidentally broke at his house. Hey, it was the Vikings vs the Packers, I was nearly dead drunk and the Vikings lost; I'm not perfect. Shock ran down my spine like a rat with cheese running down a wall, and I barely managed to tell him that I'd be able to pay him back before my wife, Charmaine, came in.

I told her that I probably would not be able to take her on the cruise, and she expressed brief disappointment. But after some pondering, she decided to treat me to a night at the Acquerello, much to my initial confusion. However, I agreed to go anyway, deciding that I could use a good dinner. She invited some friends, which only served to turn my confusion to worrying.

We ran up a pretty hefty bill ($300 or so), and by the time I had to pay the check, I was worried sick. Then Charmaine whispered something in my ear that made me light up like kid about to enter Disneyland; her friends all managed to earn huge paychecks from their relatively high-paying jobs. The bill was then paid off like it was nothing, but I was internally conflicting with myself about whether to speak of the debt or not. Charmaine, however, seemed to be reading my mind, and whispered, again, in my ear that she got her friends to pay off the debt. She told me that prior to me even finding out that I still had to take care of it, she knew, but she already had "a plan" in mind.

My happiness knew no bounds at that point; my heart grew like dough rising in the oven, waiting to be kneaded into a delicious stromboli. I simply stared into the distance, mouth slightly open, trying to register what just entered the mind that I had worried sick for the past several hours. Slowly, a smile formed on my face, and I turned to Charmaine, embracing her. We were at it for two straight minutes, then I finished off the bill.

From the car ride home to our bed, we continued to kiss like our faces were stuck together with epoxy. My love for Charmaine was almost literally off the charts that very day. We married only a week or so before this incident, and while our mutual love was already strong, this debt only increased it. When you think of it, it sometimes is the problem that serves as the foundation to happiness.

Truly, my worry has turned to love.

Trivia
Spoiler for:
  • A working title for this story was 'Together In Debt', though considering what that implicates, I would have had to majorly change the story and defeat the entire purpose of it

  • The major theme of the story is NOT debts equaling happiness, for those who're looking too deeply into it; the theme is that for all the problems in the world, plenty of them can be changed around in your favor with just a bit of thinking and a positive mindset
« Last Edit: May 25, 2015, 09:20:26 AM by boe »

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My happiness knew no bounds at that point; my heart grew like dough rising in the oven

This was an awesome line. I could literally feel my heart swelling because I totally understood the emotion that you were portraying.  More of this xD 

We ran up a pretty hefty bill ($300 or so),

Saying hefty is adequate, leave the amount up to the imagination. I do this same thing in my writing. Sometimes I'm so intent on making sure people understand what I am saying that I give too many details. 


I have a really hard time connecting with your stories. Mostly because they always leave me with so many questions.  If he had saved hundreds, how in debt were they? If they were in debt why were they going on a cruise?  (since the debt seems to be a very worrying thing to him) Why would her friends pay off your debt? How did the debt increase their love? 

When you think of it, it sometimes is the problem that serves as the foundation to happiness.

I think I would have ended it here. Just enough to get your point across, and leave the reader sighing contentedly.  I know this will sound odd coming from me because I'm  wordy, but sometimes less really is more. There are points in your story that could use a lot less words to portray your meaning, and parts where you needed just a little bit more. 

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Yeah, depending on how much you think about what I write, you'll definitely find yourself stumped. Nothing wrong with that, though, since I usually tend to go for articulacy and complexity, occasionally at the expense of making sense.  :P That, and I don't really consider myself totally professional by any means, so I'm still trying to perfect the art of storytelling, and the way I write tends to attract pretty critical thinking, which, again, is nothing bad by any means.

Now to answer da questionz

How much they were in debt is best left to the imagination, really (though I'd say a significant amount). And keep in mind, of course, that he was planning to go on cruise BEFORE remembering that he had the debt to pay. Afterwards, it was still on his mind, but he didn't know whether to consider it or not, and he didn't know if Charmaine knew about it. Charmaine also often talks with her friends about him and they basically decided to throw him a bone.

It really wasn't the debt ITSELF that increased the love, since that'd be downright ridiculous, lol; it was her having the initiative to pay it off and thus turning the problem over it's head so they would have nothing to worry about. That basically increased their already strong relationship, since it solidified him knowing that he could trust her with anything (not that he didn't trust her beforehand, of course, since a major part of marriage is trust, but still).
« Last Edit: April 01, 2014, 03:15:17 AM by zacheatscrackers »

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You know, man, Jules said it best: I just can't connect with your stories. There's just not enough believablility in them.

The ideas you present are fragmented and simply not cohesive enough to tell a good story. I'm really not trying to be a dick here, but with so much left to the reader to assume you're not telling anything. His wife knew about his massive debt? How? Her friends paid it off? Then that's a significant event that requires an explanation, or at least a setup. By the fourth paragraph is over it sems pretty clear that the story would be way more interesting from Char's point of view.

Additionally, too much focus is put on incidental occurrences. The imagery put forth doesn't make sense half the time, like the make-out scene while driving home. If his job is so good, then that TV must be really expensive to not only drain his paycheck but match the price of a cruise as well- not to mention his few hundred in savings.

The similies are long, drawn out and clumsy- like the rat with cheese running in the wall. The "with cheese" could have totally been skipped.

This story matches the style used in D&R, which you said was satirical. I now know that was a cover, because here we have another, unrelated story which follows the same pattern. You have some good stuff in there, you DO. It's just buried under a lot of mistakes. The communication is unclear and incomplete within an unbelievable premise.

I'm really sorry, brother. It just isn't good material.
:tinysmile:

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Don't worry, you aren't being a dick at all. It's not your fault if you can't really connect; I really don't expect everyone to like my writing, honestly. It's definitely flawed, but the simile-heavy style is just the way I tend to do things. I did my best to balance the cohesive/believable details with the wordplay, but whenever I write, the final versions of my stories simply tend to favor the latter. It's something I really can't help, and I seriously need to work on it; that I know full well.

I think I'm going to take a break from writing for now, in any case; I think I've exercised my skills enough. I'll post why in the Short Story thread.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2014, 11:36:54 PM by zacheatscrackers »

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You know, man, Jules said it best: I just can't connect with your stories. There's just not enough believablility in them.

The ideas you present are fragmented and simply not cohesive enough to tell a good story. I'm really not trying to be a dick here, but with so much left to the reader to assume you're not telling anything. His wife knew about his massive debt? How? Her friends paid it off? Then that's a significant event that requires an explanation, or at least a setup. By the fourth paragraph is over it sems pretty clear that the story would be way more interesting from Char's point of view.

Additionally, too much focus is put on incidental occurrences. The imagery put forth doesn't make sense half the time, like the make-out scene while driving home. If his job is so good, then that TV must be really expensive to not only drain his paycheck but match the price of a cruise as well- not to mention his few hundred in savings.

The similies are long, drawn out and clumsy- like the rat with cheese running in the wall. The "with cheese" could have totally been skipped.

This story matches the style used in D&R, which you said was satirical. I now know that was a cover, because here we have another, unrelated story which follows the same pattern. You have some good stuff in there, you DO. It's just buried under a lot of mistakes. The communication is unclear and incomplete within an unbelievable premise.

I'm really sorry, brother. It just isn't good material.

Man M00s, you say everything I want to say in such a better way. I just need you to be my mouthpiece from now on lol

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I was gonna say the same about you... ;)
:tinysmile: